ACTORS: Skills Lmt
by Shining Riku
Summary: PostSupremacy. Master Hand sets up a theatrical production, and forces all of the smashers to participate. Meanwhile, Crazy hand has sworn to play the ultimate prank, and doom everybody to eternal stage fright! Can the smashers keep their sanity?
1. Vacation? HA!

**As thou can see, I am back yet already!**

**MH: I couldn't keep you away from here even if I had the Heart of Chaos!**

**AH!!! Speaking of which…for anybody that's read Supremacy (You BETTER read it before reading this if you haven't!) …Did anybody notice what happened at the end of the Epilogue? Pay good attention to that, as it's extremely important.**

**MH: We dursn't tell you for fear of spoiling it. So go an read it!**

**Oh, yeah…For people unfamiliar with my story format…**

**MH: What are you talking about!?!?**

**means Master Hand!**

**MH: Now you're pointing at me with weird little stick things on the computer. I'm getting outta here…**

**(Master Hand floats away)**

**OH WELL! Anyways, if you have NOT read Supremacy, and you review, **_**I WILL KNOW**_

**No…really, I won't, but you'll miss out badly, and you'll be very confused about some things. Explanations about things in past stories are things I shall not be providing, so go and read!**

**Speaking of read, let's start the chapter already! I'm RANTING!**

**RANTING, I TELL YA!**

**(Curtains fall on the author) **

REAL Summary: After an extremely long, trying, and difficult journey, EVERYBODY needs a break! Master Hand decides to make everybody audition for a big play he has planned, but Master Hand made the mistake of letting Crazy Hand pick the plays! Also, Crazy has sworn that he would play a succesful prank, and ruin the whole shebang! Can the Smashers save face, and survive the mad parts they get assinged, and live to tell about Crazy's crazy pranks? Or will everybody suffer from stage fright for the rest of their lives?**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

It was a nice, sun shinny, shinny sort of day, with happy, drowsy clouds, singing flowers, and-

WAIT A MINUTE!?!?!? SINGING FLOWERS!?!?!?!?

------------------------------------------

Kirby was walking about happily on the roof of the smash estate, more specifically, the Smash Mansion.

He was merely enjoying the view of rolling green hills, beautiful emerald trees…

He squinted his eyes, and put an stubby arm above his face to help him see better. He could see a janitor in plain clothing running about with a flamethrower, chasing after what looked suspiciously like singing flowers.

"Poyo." Kirby sighed. That janitor was a whack job, he was.

Kirby jumped off the ledge, and landed on a balcony below, which led into Mario's room.

Kirby pushed the glass door open, and walked right in.

"Hello, Kirby!" Mario called out cheerfully.

He was in bed, with a white bandage wrapped around his head. His cap was on the end table next to his bed.

It was a pretty room, with a plush red and green carpet, and with pretty, dark wood walls. The bed was a bunk bed, and it was made of treated mahogany. It was nice, and very shinny from excessive waxing.

Luigi was snoring in the top bunk.

"Pyo?" Kirby asked as he jumped into Mario's lap.

"Yes, I'm feeling much better. Thank you for your concern." Mario said.

"POYO!" Kirby screamed.

"You're hungry, huh?" Mario asked. "Sorry, I don't have any food here."

"Poyo." Kirby sighed.

He walked over to the window, and flew out like a birdy.

Well, he WOULD have flown out, if it weren't for a certain problem.

Ya see, he DIDN"T fly out.

He SOARED out.

THUNK!

"POYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"…He's done it again…" Mario slapped his forehead. He quickly removed his head and moaned, having just slapped his sore head.

"LuIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIgi!" Mario yelled. "Wake up! It's breakfast time!"

"Whoa!" I'm up, I'm up-" Luigi started saying, but he rolled off his bed and sank into the carpet upon impact.

"Thank goodness for the soft carpets, eh?" Mario smiled.

"Yeah, yeah…" Luigi said sleepily. "See ya downstairs…Yawn…"

Luigi walked out of the room, which left Mario alone.

He carefully lifted himself out of bed, and he gingerly got up, put his cap on his head, then he walked out.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Later, in the dining room…

Mario walked in the dining room, and breakfast was already in full swing.

As usual, Yoshi and Kirby were inhaling pancakes by the hundreds, and everybody else fought over who had what.

Perfectly normal.

Mario sighed with relief. After all they've been through, it was nice to know they hadn't changed any.

Or had they?

He just shrugged the thought off, and walked over to his chair, where he ordered his breakfast from a wire frame chef.

He had just barely sat down, when, Master Hand rang a bell to get everybody's attention.

"Hello, everybody!" Master Hand called out cheerfully. "I know everybody's been lazy bums for the past week and a half, but we've got a good moth left! So…I decided we'd do something together!"

"Like WHAT?" Samus asked bluntly white shoving a biscuit in her mouth.

"Well…How about a theatrical production!?!?!" Master Hand said excitedly.

"A WHAT?!?!?" Lloyd Irving yelled.

"A PLAY!!!" master hand shouted back. "People love plays, and it'll help everybody in smash city to relax, and recover from the recent cataclysm of having all their worlds melt together. Whatdaya think?"

"I think…IT'S GREAT!" Roy said.

Silence.

"Roy, sit down, before somebody kills you." Marth whispered.

Roy sat down.

"Come on, you lame people!" Master Hand said. "It's not like it's going to kill you or anything."

"Unfortunately, some of us lack acting abilities." Ganondorf replied mildly. He tipped his head back and drank some coffee. "Mmm…That hits the spot!"

"…Yeah." Master Hand said. "But if you think about it, that adds to the comical hilarity, sometimes! So, it's decided!"

"Nononono! We didn't 'decide' anything! Did you decide something?" Bowser asked accusingly, poking a finger at Kirby.

"Poyo!" Kirby protested angrily. He tried biting Bowser's finger, but all he managed to do was stick tight.

"Let go, you overgrown cream puff!" Bowser said.

"Boiyoh!" Kirby yelled.

"Crazy, if you please…" Master Hand said. He floated back, and Crazy Hand, his insane brother, took his place.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Crazy laughed deliriously. "It has been DECIDED! We'll do a play on Hansel and Gretel, Rapunzel, Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Beanstalk, and one of Shakespeare's most finest plays, The Taming of the Shrew!"

"NOOOOOEZZ!!!" C. Falcon screamed while holding his head in agony. "We suck at acting!"

"Too bad!" Master hand said. "You people have lived with worse, so get used to it! I expect you all to be in the auditorium for auditions at noon today, so get ready."

Most everybody started complaining, and the room was filled with noise.

"Well, that's that!" Master hand said. "They may not want to believe it, but this'll be really fun!"

"YESH!" Crazy howled with delight.

Master Hand floated away humming happily, but Crazy stood still, and clenched himself into a suspicious, scheming position.

"HE HE He HEeeeeeeee…I'm gonna play a BIG prank! He he he…THIS THING'S GOIN DOWN!!!!"

"…Pardon me?" Marth asked. He was walking by, but now, he was currently standing still with a glass of water in hand, and a confused expression on his face.

"Oh-Um-AHEM!-WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-What was that, now?" Crazy asked him innocently.

"…Nothing." Marth said. He walked away.

"…That was TOOOOOOO Close." Crazy sweated.

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**Tell me whatcha think! I'll update as soon as I can!**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**

**(I've hit a record with Supremacy, I think. 2****nd**** place for the longest story, and I think 1****st**** place for the most reviews. Nuts, I tell you…**

**But, it's all thanks to my loyal reviewers! I am very thankful, and encouraged.**

**Thank you, and see ya next time!)**


	2. Normal life at Smash Mansion

**Omg…Back from vacation, which was far from it, I tell ya.**

**I HATE road trips. I H-A-T-E riding in a car for twelve hours straight!**

**Try driving from Georgia to Ohio. TELL me if THAT'S fun!**

**No, it isn't, so there. I'll shootsie the next person that tells me driving for long periods of time is fun.**

**Na, I'm ok now. I'm happy, 'cause I'm HOME! Nothin like home, peeps. I'm feelin good.**

**MH: Now that you're done ranting again, it's been at least a week and a half since you've updated. Get ta work!**

**Yessir! Have fun, ya hear?**

**Roll a-la chappy!**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**Thank you for the reviews, by zee vhay! Mucho appreciated! ******

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Marth continued walking down the hall, but with a perturbed look on his face.

_Just WHAT is that insane hooligan planning?_ Marth wondered as he walked down the hallway towards his room. He took a sip of water from his cup, and peeked at his watch while holding the tumbler upside down.

His eyes shot wide open, and he spewed a cloud of water out his mouth, and gaped at his watch.

"9:38!?!?!?" He screamed. "I'm late for my job interview!!!"

He threw the cup on the ground, and dashed down the hall as fast as humanly possible while the sound of breaking glass decorated the air in the hallway.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Mario walked out of the front door, having finished his breakfast. In his hand, he held a newspaper, and a cup of coffee to help him wake up all the way.

He tottered sleepily across the lawn, and around towards the back of the mansion, where there was a pool, a row of lawn chairs, and a huge garden with a greenhouse to the south.

The front of the mansion faced north, and the rear side of the mansion faced south. The Smash Mansion was located just twenty miles south of Smash City, where it lay among beautiful emerald hills and forests.

It was really pleasant outside the mansion, year round. Spring and summer were mild, and semi-tropical, without the uncomfortable humidity. Fall was nice and cool, and the forests around the mansion were like blazing infernos of color, while the air was crisp and clear. Winter was chilly, but it often brought soft dusty snow that easily packed together for good snowball fights.

Just living at the Smash Mansion was vacation. It was perfect for the scores of heroes that lived inside it.

Mario finally found his lawn chair, and he sprawled back in it with his coffee on a small table next to him, and with his newspaper on his lap.

He hadn't been sitting there long, when Link walked by, towards the garden.

He was dressed in clothes he normally didn't wear.

He had on sandals, a pair of dark green pants with the legs rolled up to make shorts, and a white shirt with what looked like half of a green jacket stitched to it.

"What's up with the outfit?" Mario asked politely.

"Oh, this? I've been living in a farm village just before our most recent adventure started. I've decided to be the mansion gardener." Link explained. "Just recently, we got chased by my ole neighbors when we landed in Hyrule the last time."

"Oh, yeah." Mario said, recalling the funny tale.

"Well, I'm off to fix up the garden, and maybe beat up the janitor if he even touches those new flowers Crazy imported. They were so expensive, I swear I heard Master hand's wallet screaming."

"Those singing flowers?" Mario asked.

"Yeah, those. Did something happen to them?"

"…Uh, not that I know of." Mario lied.

"Alright, then, see you later, Mario!" Link said while walking away. He soon disappeared among the foliage, leaving Mario alone to read his paper.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

About an hour later, the pool was full to the brim with playful people as they splashed each other, swam about, and played with stuff like beach balls.

Mario was still sitting on his lawn chair, but he was asleep, with the newspaper draped over his face and big snores emanated from under the paper.

SPLOOSH!!!!!

"WHAAAAA!!! MAMMA MIA!" Mario yelped in shock as a blast of water splashed on the paper, and soaked him through. He rolled off his seat and fell on the ground with a thud, then he sprung into the air and sued his Mario Tornado, causing wet newspaper to fly everywhere.

"Ha ha!" Roy laughed as a few of the younger smashers around him busted their guts laughing. "Mario's had a relapse!"

"What are you-a talking about?" Mario asked unconsciously with his accent.

They only laughed harder.

FWOOM!

Mario threw a fireball that hit the water, and erupted into a geyser of steam. In the middle of the pillar of steam, there was a huge splash.

Roy looked at it for about one second, before a wave of water erupted from it, and blew him backwards and underwater. He shot up and gasped for air, only to see Mario grinning mischievously.

"Water war!" Roy declared.

"You're on!" Mario said. He rolled up his sleeves, then pulled back one of his open palms, and threw it forwards. His firebrand attack sent a cloud of steam shooting across the pool, creating perpetual fog.

"Fog of war!" Roy cried. "Get 'im, boys!"

"And GIRL!" Nana yelled.

"And GIRL!" Roy corrected himself.

Roy, Ness, Y. Link, Popo, Nana, Yoshi, and Kirby swam towards where they thought Mario was. Mario quietly went beneath the water, and swam towards Ness.

"Incoming!" Ness screamed, who was tracking Mario with his PSI abilities.

Mario shot up from the water with a super jump punch, and the sudden Mario-displacement caused a quick hole in the water that drew everybody in and slammed them together, while Mario used a butt stomp.

Everybody pushed off each other just in time to avoid Mario, who came down with a huge splash. Popo shot a chunk of ice from his hand, and froze the water just above Mario's head. Mario swam away from the water that was freezing behind him, then he jumped out of the water again, and threw a fireball at the ice.

Nana and Popo created more ice chunks, while Ness threw them at Mario with telekinesis. Mario spun around with his Mario tornado attack and deflected the ice, when Kirby came up behind him, and spat a huge glob of water at him that knocked him off balance. Yoshi made eggs full of water, and passed them so that everybody could throw them. Mario used his firebrand two more times to keep up the veil of steam, then he hid underwater and charged up one huge spurt of flame.

Roy and co. kept throwing projectiles, when suddenly, the water in front of them erupted in a massive explosion, and hit everybody with warm water.

Mario started spinning and creating a whirlpool, which sucked in his opponents. Kirby inhaled a huge amount of water, then started shooting about like a speedboat against the current, which dispelled Mario's whirlpool.

Roy swam up, and seized Mario by the arms.

"Sorry, but we win today!"

"Pooh!" Mario said playfully. He jerked his hand loose and threw another fireball, and when the steam faded, he was gone.

Roy looked about, and Mario was sleeping on his lawn chair.

"Hey, Kirby…blast Mario with some more water. Use as much as you can this time, though."

"Poyo…" Kirby laughed evilly while rubbing his stubby hands together with a scheming look on his face.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Link walked along the side of a hedge, then, when he got to the end, he flattened up against the leafy wall, and carefully peeked around the edge.

He saw a fountain, and a ring of a wide variety of flowers surrounding it, with a walkway going around that in a circle, with a few paths branching off it. There were a few benches, but Link didn't see what he was looking for.

In the distance, a loud yell followed by an even louder splash was heard, but he knew what he was looking for wasn't the cause.

_Couldn't be that janitor._ Link thought.

He stepped into the area, and sat down on a bench. In his hand he held a hose with an attachment on the end for spraying a fine mist.

He aimed the hose at the flowers, and started spraying nice, cool mist at them.

He was sitting there for a while, when, there was a high pitched scream.

_Is it the flowers?!?_ Link asked himself mentally. He was answered when the Janitor ran past, with flowers chasing after him. Link looked at the flowers, and silently hoped he hadn't seen purple venomous fangs.

The janitor and the flowers disappeared, and Link continued on with his work.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Marth ran towards a door, and quickly opened it, and dashed in.

"…WHEEZE…I'm so sorry, Mr. Tom." Marth apologized.

A generic manager spun around in his swivel chair, and faced the panting hero.

"You finally showed up…_**FIFTEEN MINUTES LATE**_." He said, placing such heavy emphasis on the last three words, that they fell out of the air, and created holes in the floor. "But, since you're the first person ever to apply here…"

"…Yes?" Marth asked apprehensively.

"Although I hate your guts, and care nothing for heroes, YOU GET THE JOB!!!" He cheered.

"Uh, wow, I don't know what to say!" Marth said, rubbing the back of his head.

"Don't say anything, and get to work, ya bum." Tom said, before throwing a pile of work clothes at Marth, who caught them and fell on the floor. "Get dressed, and get busy."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**I'll put more in next time…**

**Anyways, what's going to happen now? I'll take requests for which characters will appear in the next chapter, so, request away!**

**I'll take requests via PM, and reviews, so have fun!**

**ALSO, one character request per person, and no requests for a character that hasn't appeared yet…in the story series, I mean, so you have a pick from about sixty characters.**

**Have fun, and see ya!**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**


	3. Sports Day

**Hmm, only one request so far. I'll honor it!**

**Ok, hopefully, I'll be able to please most of you this time around…because I feel like I'm failing to keep up the ante. Please, trust me, and give this a little bit of time. It won't nearly be a big as my first story, but it'll definitely be uber crazy.**

**I'm not focusing much on battles in this story, but there'll still be a few! They won't be super cool or anything, but I think I can guarantee lots of absurdity.**

**Ok, let's go!**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Marth got his job, all right.

But he was already having doubts about it.

"Here's your change, Ma'am." Marth said politely. He pressed a button on the cash register, and the drawer opened up. He put the money inside the drawer, and then pulled out a small amount of change and handed it to the little old lady.

"Thank you." She said. She hobbled out of the store slowly, holding her bag of groceries. She disappeared outside, and soon after, there was a screeching of burning rubber, and a hot rod convertible tore out of the parking lot.

"Crazy grandmas." Marth sighed in exasperation.

He looked about the store for the millionth time. It was just a common corner grocery store, out in the middle of almost nowhere, Smash City.

Yes, it was an actual location. The Nowhere side of Smash City. Crazy, random stuff happened there all the time, and everything ceased to make sense.

Therefore, Marth wasn't surprised when the ground started shaking.

"Oh, great." Marth moaned. "Another chicken stampede."

He slumped his shoulders, and stood glowering at his register, but then a sweet, perfume kind of scent reached his nose.

"Oh-Oh NO!!!" Marth screamed. He threw his work apron on the ground, and ran for his life.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Wario happily rode his motorbike, humming a little tune to himself while speeding maniacally. Behind him were six police motorcycles.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

RING!

RING!

RING!

"Oh, $$!" Snake muttered. He rolled over in his bed, and grabbed his phone.

"Yeah? I'm cranky right now, and I'm about to shoot." Snake warned.

"Hey, Snake!"

"Otacon? That you?" Snake grumbled, asking the person on the other side.

"Yeah! I finally learned how to use a phone!"

"You've always been a technology geek. I'm surprised you didn't call me by that special mission thing."

"Anyways, I've got to get to the point." Otacon said. "The police have a job for you."

"Yeah? What is it?" Snake asked, his interest piqued.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Bowser and Ganondorf were walking along the sidewalk in upper Smash city, a part of the city where almost every road was sloped. It was really high, and at the highest part of the city, you could see the city, and the ocean for miles.

Smash Mansion, and the city were located on an island, created by Master Hand. It was a very tropical sort of island, with a very comfy climate, where a denizen of almost any land could feel comfortable.

Usually, the city was almost completely crime free, but every once in a while, there would be an incident or two, which would be dealt with by the Smashers and Police alike.

Either you had a lot of guts, or you were supremely stupid, to commit a crime on Smash Island.

"I still can't get over Master Hand setting up this stupid play!" Bowser growled.

"Oh, come on. How much can it hurt?" Ganon asked. A random Mime ran up, and stole his coffee. "MY COFFEE!" Ganon screamed. He ran after the mime, who tripped and rolled downhill.

"…Ok." Bowser said.

He continued walking uphill, when, there was a roar of a really loud motor.

"Bugger!" Bowser yelped. He threw himself down on the pavement, just as Wario and his bike flew over the crest of the hill, followed by eight policemen.

"So much for following the law. This is going to ruin us all." Bowser said to himself as he looked towards the quickly retreating figures.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Wha ha ha! NOBODY can catch me! Even the law!" Wario proclaimed as he zoomed down road after road, always staying a step ahead of the police.

"This is your final warning!" The chief cop called out over a megaphone. "Stop now, or we will open fire!"

"Then, this is the first shot! WHA HA HA HA!!!" Wario laughed. He farted super hard, and left behind a massive, slightly luminous yellow cloud of gas. The Policemen ploughed right through it, and crashed all over the road, coughing violently. Some even vomited.

"Ha HA Ha ha!!!!!" Wario laughed triumphantly.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"I can't believe I'm doing this…" Snake said. He pressed a button on the wall, opening the garage door. He hopped on a camouflaged motorbike, and he quickly started it up and revved the engine a few times. He shot out at high speed, and tore off down the country road towards the city.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Marth ran for all he was worth, but somehow, it wasn't quite enough.

Behind him, there was an enormous mob of fangirls, and Marth was having trouble keeping ahead of them because of his hyperventilation attacks.

He ran uphill, with the fangirls behind him swamping the roads, and blocking off every type of traffic, EVEN air traffic!

_I…am…going…to…die!_ Marth thought slowly, because his brain was slowly running out of oxygen.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Ok, Otacon, Target in sight." Snake spoke into his headset.

He was riding on his motorbike, and some ways in front of him was a yellow motorcycle, with a fat guy on it.

"Hey, Snake? You brought your gas mask, right?" Otacon asked apprehensively.

"Yeah, now why, again?"

"The target's recently used nerve gas against the police chasing after him, and they're en route to the hospital. It's very potent gas, too!"

"Ok, ok." Snake said. He put his gas mask on, and he looked like a fly. "Now what?"

"Get 'im!"

"I like that!" Snake smiled evilly inside his mask. He pumped the gas pedal a few times to make his motorcycle roar, then he floored it, and shot after the yellow cycle.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"WHA HA HA HA HA HA HA…Huh?" Wario laughed madly, then stopped. He looked over his shoulder, and saw a masked man riding a camo motorcycle.

"Cool…I have MERCENARIES Chasing after me! I rule!" Wario laughed. "Time to treat them to some exotic smells!"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Snake! Watch out! There's a massive buildup of Methane near you!" Otacon yelled from the headset.

"Got it. Taking evasive action." Snake replied.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Marth was running down an alley, heading back towards one of the main roads.

He shot across the road, just as a yellow motorcycle roared past, and expelled a massive fart. The fangirls ploughed into the cloud, and stopped dead in their tracks, coughing and screaming in agony.

Marth looked back, and the cloud loomed over him dangerously.

"…AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Marth screamed. Now he was running not from fangirls, but a murderous cloud of gas!

He ran downhill in a feeble attempt to escape…

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Snake watched as Wario expelled the fart, and it stopped a mob.

Snake pressed a button on the board between the handles, and the cycle flew over the cloud of gas, and landed safely on the other side.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Ok, then, if that's not gonna work, then I'll take him round the loo!" Wario plotted evilly.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Wario revved his engine, and shot ahead.

"Not gonna leave me behind that easily, prey." Snake growled. He floored his gas pedal as well, and pursued Wario. Wario drove right towards oncoming traffic, weaving in and out of the cars. Snake did a wheelie, and hit the front bumper of a car. He shot up the hood and the windshield, skipped across the top, and landed on another car before bouncing off that one. He skipped across car after car, and landed on pavement, nearly behind Wario.

Then, Wario turned slightly, and stopped completely. Snake shot past him, and u-turned as quickly as he could. Wario did the kiss-my-butt taunt, and shot off down another alley. Snake chased after him. They shot down the alley, neither gaining of losing each other. They shot out the other end, right across a sidewalk, and into the road with traffic coming in on both sides. Wario expertly dodged the cars while causing tons of crashes, and when he reached the other side, he knocked over a few pedestrians.

Snake waited for the crashes to stop, and then he weaved his way through the wreckage before shooting off down the sidewalk after the rogue. Wario left behind another cloud of gas, and Snake turned right into the path of a car. He popped another wheelie, and the force of the collision sent Snake somersaulting into the air, screaming. He landed on the front wheel, with the back wheel sticking in the air, and his body parallel to the pavement. He was balanced, but he shot down the road with absolutely no control.

Snake threw his head back and the rear tire hit pavement again, then he floored the pedal once again, shooting after Wario. Wario drove into an empty lane, and let gravity carry him and his heavy bike down the slopes faster and faster, until Snake easily saw a gap forming. Snake drove right down the slope after him, steadily putting pressure on the pedal. The gap slowly stopped growing, then, it quickly got smaller and smaller, bringing the two close.

Snake rammed Wario, sending him flying into a subway tunnel. Snake cursed to himself, and shot after him while turning on his headlight.

Wario shot through crowds of people as they dived aside, and he shot right through a ticket booth into the empty subway tunnel. Snake stopped for a second, and looked at his watch, and the subway schedule, then chased after Wario in a frenzy.

There was a good chance they'd end up in the graveyard for this one.

He pumped the pedal again, shooting across railroad tiers. His teeth chattered violently as he bumped over the planks, and hoped he wouldn't have to get braces.

He spotted Wario's tail light. Snake balanced the motorbike's wheels on the rail closest to him, then, he shot down it at top speed, quickly gaining on Wario.

"Wario, you are _Under Arrest!_" Snake yelled.

"You'll be six feet under if ya mess with the Great Wario!" Wario retorted.

"Yeah? Tell that to Master Hand!" Snake countered.

"Wha? Snake?" Wario asked in disbelief.

"YEAH!" Snake yelled. "Let's get outta here. Master Hand might get you out of trouble! For a price…"

"Trouble? I AM Trouble! WHA HA HA HA!!!" Wario laughed maniacally.

"We'll both be dead if we don't get out of here now!" Snake yelled.

"Why!?!?!"

"There's why!" Snake yelled, pointing over his shoulder.

They both looked back, to see a big, white glaring light.

"…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" The screamed in unison.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! the train blared.

The two smashers picked up speed, going faster and faster, until they reached another station. They drove to the right, just in time to avoid getting hit by the train. They shot out of the station, up the stairs leading outside, then they flew over a bunch of pedestrians, over a road, and right into another road. He dodged more cars, and shot up another sidewalk.

They were going at it for about five seconds, when Wario said,

"Ha ha! SUCKER! See ya!" Wario shot ahead, leaving Snake behind again.

"Get back here!" Snake roared.

"WHA HA HA!!! Nobody can catch me, Wario!" Wario declared.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Ohh, what a day." Bowser moaned. It was really sunny, and Bowser was cooking inside his shell. He sipped a lemonade he had in his hand, when, a screech of an engine reached his ears.

"Huh?" Bowser asked nothing in particular. He turned around, and suddenly, Wario shot over the crest of the hill, right towards him!

With no time to react, Bowser threw himself on the pavement, and tucked into his shell.

"Wah ha Wah ha Wha wha whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" Wario screamed. His front tire slammed into Bowser's shell and blew, then it bounced off and sent Wario and his bike flipping into the air, where it landed on the front tire, and slowly leaned forwards until Wario landed on his head, with his bike on top of him.

Snake, gas mask and all, appeared at the top of the hill, and drove towards Wario.

"…Wario, you are under arrest." Snake said, slapping handcuffs on his wrists.

"Go suck some daisy roots." Wario retorted. He struggled against Snake, but already, the police were appearing, and surrounding the area with their cars.

"Ow, my shell!" Bowser moaned.

"Well done, Bowser!" The police chief said, clapping him on his back, which caused Bowser to wince. "Sorry about that. You helped to catch a great danger to the public, and you will be rewarded!"

"Uh, wow! I don't know what to say! What do I get?" Bowser asked.

"..." The chief didn't say anything, but he handed Bowser a plastic police badge. It was a toy.

"Oh well, better than nothing." Bowser sighed. "Maybe my kid'll like it!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**He he he…what'd ya think of it? Did I do good?**

**Wanna see more? I could use a few ideas, and I easily get those just by getting requests! Plenty of characters to see, peeps! Of course, I do have a plot, just not quite yet. Chapter after next will be the auditions!**

**Ok, well, see ya next time! I had fun, and I hope you did too!**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**


	4. PreAuditions

**Ok…Today, I think we'll follow a few of the special characters! Then, the next chapter will be the beginning of the auditions, which, I assure you, will be really…absurd.**

**Anyways, from here on out, I don't think I'll be as occupied with other things, and I suppose I'll update faster, but I'm not making any promises. I'm feeling pretty lazy nowadays.**

**I'm sorry if this is causing any inconveniencies to you people. So…let's get going before I bore you people with another rant.**

**MH: But, you're already ranting.**

…

**MH: Oh well, here we go, everybody!**

**(MH opens the curtains)**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

"Hey! You can't lock me up like this!" Wario yelled angrily.

"Get in there, and maybe in a day or two, we'll be willing to let you loose on parole." The cop carrying him growled.

Wario was wrapped up in a straight jacket made of tough rubber, and the cop carrying him was surprisingly thin for his strength.

The cop kicked open the cell Wario was to occupy, then, he threw the tubby motorcyclist in. Wario bounced off the back wall, and landed in the middle of the room while the cop shut the door.

"I hope you like solitary, pal." The cop said before turning and walking away.

"Hey, what are you in for?" A female voice asked.

"Me?" Wario asked the person. "…Just for being an idiot, I suppose. Don't I know you?"

"Yeah, Wario, you probably do, if you've paid any attention. I'm Aika!"

"Oh, that snotty pirate girl. What'd you get tossed in for?" Wario asked.

"I almost robbed a jewelry store…" Aika sighed sadly. "It's hard to break old habits."

"Say…I've got some gas…wanna bust out?" Wario asked mischievously.

"I may do it often, but I'm in no mood to get in trouble, thanks." Aika said.

"Fine then. Smell ya later! WHA HA HA HA!"

PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!! 

Wario farted super hard, and the gas instantly disintegrated the rubber shirt, and the cell bars. Wario laughed again, just for good measures, then he bolted out of the room.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Cloud was walking along the side of a street, towards a small town café.

He was being his usual expressionless self, walking down the sidewalk and scaring nearly everybody that looked at him.

He walked into the building, and instantly walked over to his recent haunt.

In the back of the dimly lit shop, was a table with a few people sitting around it. Cloud walked to the table, and sat down on the chair in the corner.

The people were revealed to be Luigi, Roy, and Pikachu.

"…Don't tell anyone." Cloud smiled.

"You have my word." Roy said pompously.

"Pika Pika Pi!" Pikachu squealed happily.

"If people torture me for information…don't blame me." Luigi said shyly.

"Who would want to know anyways?" Cloud asked.

"Let me guess…People wanting to ruin your life? Reporters, for example?" Roy said.

"Pika…"

"Yeah, you said it, Pikachu." Roy said.

"Well, what do you guys think about this play?" Cloud said.

"Personally, it's a load of posh." Luigi commented, examining his cup of espresso.

"Master Hand's lost his marbles." Roy said, wide eyes. "I mean, I don't think _anybody_ expected him to do this."

"Pika Pika!"

"Well, let's go, guys. We have a few rounds to do at the hologram machine!" Cloud said.

"Yeah!"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"WHA Ha ha ha!!!" Wario laughed wildly. He ran through the garage type area, and by scanning the area with his eyes, he found his impounded motorcycle. He jumped on the cycle and took off.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Master hand was in his office, signing a few papers.

…They were resignation papers.

From various smashers. Among the list were General Ike, Queen Elincia, and many others.

Master Hand reflected on the mess of notes on his desk. Many of the heroes felt that their duty was done, now that the danger was past.

He sighed. It was fun having them all along, but, he wasn't their boss. They had their own lives to lead.

Hector, Ephraim, Lyon, and Erika were the only new fire emblem people staying. Eliwood and Lyndis were returning to Elibe, as they had ruling duties to do. Hector did as well, but he wasn't worried.

Vyse, Enrique, and Fina were staying too, and Aika HAD to stay, because she had stupidly gotten herself thrown in jail for attempted shoplifting. Riku left to go back to destiny islands, and Sora and Paul decided to stay. Lloyd and Collette had already returned to Sylvarant in search of their friends, who somehow went missing.

Everybody else was staying for the show, and for that, Master Hand was glad. There was going to be plenty of actors!

"…Man…Why do I have the feeling everything's about to go wrong…?" Master Hand asked himself as he slouched in his chair.

He had this foul premonition of impending danger, but he just couldn't put a finger on it. It was too far in the future to interpret, but still very close to deserve a good bit of attention.

He sighed, and started twiddling his fingers, when, the door in front of him creaked, and opened up a crack.

"Master Hand?"

"Come in, Cress. You don't have to ask me for permission to come in." Master hand sighed.

Cress walked in, and sat down in a chair in front of the desk.

The room was very dark, with no windows, and only one glaring lamp above Master Hand's desk.

"Cress…just by looking at your face…" Master Hand said.

"And judging by the way you're fidgeting…" Cress said.

"You're worried about something." They both echoed.

"…Do you have that one…ominous feeling?" Master hand asked.

"That something big's about to happen, and that we can't do anything about it?" Cress finished.

"Ah…so you've felt it too." Master hand said seriously. "…I've been feeling it every night since the world was pieced back together."

"Yes…I hoped never to feel it again." Cress sighed. "But why only at night?"

"There's nothing you can do about it, if _he's _coming back."

"You and I…we have so many untold secrets." Cress said. "Do you thing we should tell them the truth?"

"No, it's not their burden to carry. They've done enough." Master Hand said firmly.

"Then…" Cress said.

"No, Cress. We'll talk about that later…It's very late, and we should get some sleep." Master hand said. "…Anyways…I need some time to think…"

"…I do too…See you later Master Hand. Don't do anything without me around."

"I won't." Master hand assured him.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Wario's face was plastered to a shop window.

Inside, were tons of super teched-out motorcycles. Wario was drooling as he looked at the cycles. He looked left and right really quickly, to make sure nobody could see him.

It was past midnight, and most of the action in the city was still. It was like a wasteland. A very quiet wasteland.

Wario stopped for a second, and froze. He felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise, like somebody was looking at him. The feeling stopped, then he made his move. He smashed through the glass window with a elbow barge, then he grabbed the motorcycle he targeted and ran out with it towards a gas can he had. He filled the cycle up, and took off with it, leaving the shop behind with the alarms blaring.

He drove down the street towards a jewelry store, and pulled out his wand, Goodstyle.

"Make me Thief Wario!" Wario demanded.

"Dear Sir! I would question the intelligence of robbing a-" the wand protested, but Wario interrupted him rudely.

"Ain't nobody gonna catch me." Wario said determinedly. "Just do it and be quiet."

Goodstyle obliged, and with a flash, Wario had on his thief outfit. Wario sprung up to the top of the building like a cat burglar, and walked over to a vent and opened it up. He slipped into the store, and nimbly avoided the security lasers while approaching a diamond necklace on a stand in the back of the store. He nicked it from its case, then he proceeded to steal every last bit of jewelry in the store, and packed it all into a burlap bag.

He escaped the store, and when he got to his cycle, he set the bag on the ground, and then he set up his cycle for the bag.

He looked at the ground, and now there were two bags.

"Wow! I hit it rich tonight!" Wario exclaimed happily.

"….Wreor."

"…Huh?" Wario said.

The bag opened up, and a blur shot out, leaving the bag flat on the ground.

"The cat's outta the bag, Wario!" A young voice chided.

"Felious! What're you doing here!?!" Wario yelled.

"Didn't you know? I'm a policeman." Felious smirked. "And, I think you're busted."

Then, a flood of police cars drove into the area, blocking it off and surrounding Wario.

"NOBODY catches me!" Wario shouted. He farted super hard and knocked all the police out, except for Felious. He dashed out of the way and vanished from sight, leaving Wario behind.

"Heh heh, he wasn't so tough." Wario boasted.

"Take this!"

Felious tackled Wario at top speed, sending the two rolling across the pavement in a cloud of punches and kicks. When Felious was on top of Wario, he kicked off him and flew into the air, landing on his feet. In another blur he shot past Wario and left a gash on his arm, which started bleeding .

"Ow! Now you've asked for it, Hairball!" Wario growled.

"You've breathed your last, scum." Felious hissed. "Shame you didn't use it on something nice."

"Bring it on!"

Felious yowled like a cat, then flew at Wario and attacked him in a blur of precise and lethal jabs. Wario managed to deflect a few of the lunges, but shallow stab wounds appeared on his arms quickly.

In a matter of moments, Felious subdued Wario, and had him on the ground, gasping in pain.

"Sorry, Wario, but today, you ALMOST escaped the police. We'll be talking to Master Hand about your punishment. If you're lucky, he'll let you off…AFTER you've paid for the cycle and the jewelry, and all the damages caused."

"…Dirty bugger." Wario cursed.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Ok, that's all! I'll update again tomorrow, so expect me!**

**Thank you all for reading and reviewing, I really appreciate it! Character appearance requests are welcome, as long as it's a character that's already appeared in either Supremacy, or this story!**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**


	5. The Auditions!

**Sorry about the late update! I did say to a few people I'd update today…but man, is it ever late!**

**MH: Today, the smashers are to audition for the fairy tale plays, and for Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew". If any of you like very good plays, I do believe you'll enjoy this one, as it is very humorous!**

**I do a lot of reading. I'm one of those bookworms, or, more recently, a computer story worm. Anyways, let's get going! This'll be hilarious, trust me!**

**I don't let you down…often, at least, right?**

**Let's go! He he he…time to put moi craziness to the test!**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Beep Beep Beep!

Beep Beep Beep!

"Ooooohh…" Master Hand groaned. He sat up in his office chair, and stretched his fingers out, then he used his index finger to silence his alarm clock.

Upon a closer look, it was seven in the morning.

"…Darn it, I fell asleep while thinking." Master hand sighed.

He stiffened, just as a thought popped into his head.

The Auditions!

Master Hand sprung up, and flew over to the intercom speaker. He pressed the red button on it for speaking, then, he began talking.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Good morning, Everybody!" Master Hand called out. "Today, as you all know, it's Audition day! You know what that means…GIT YER BUTTS IN THE AUDITORIUM!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!"

"Mamma mia…Just when we thought he'd stop doing that…" Mario said.

Luigi replied with a loud snore.

"Oh, brother." Mario sighed as he jumped off the top of the bunk to wake his brother up.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Shortly after he aired the news, Master Hand was in the auditorium with everybody that stayed assembled.

"Now, as you all know, we have five plays that you all can audition for. Knowing some of you, you may sign up for every play." Master Hand said.

"You won't catch me dead signing up for this." Snake growled.

"Me either." Ganon insisted.

"You will." Master Hand commanded loudly. "You all will sign up for at least ONE play…Or, you will be doing _Community Service_ for the rest of the vacation!"

Everybody screamed in horror.

"Ok! Now that we understand each other…Let's do it!" Master Hand cried exuberantly. "Crazy…Papers please!"

Crazy flew into the room laughing like the maniac he was, and he threw the notepad down on Master Hand's podium before flying off-stage and crashing through the wall he entered from.

"…Anyways, just a reminder, the plays we'll be doing, are, Hansel and Gretel, Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Beanstalk, Rapunzel, and, for the millionth time, the Taming of the Shrew."

"Who would name it THAT?" Samus asked rudely.

"Somebody who knows symbolism well." Master Hand commented idly while shuffling the papers.

"Oh, what the heck." Samus said. She was in her zero suit, and lately…she had taken to carrying around either muffins or biscuits. She crammed the muffin in her mouth, and walked up to the podium, and a line formed up behind her.

She put her name under The Taming of the Shrew, then she walked off stage to allow a disgruntled Marth to sign up as well. His normally sleek and shiny blue hair was a mess, and there was a faint odor about him.

After a few minutes, everybody signed up for at least one play.

"Thank you…And while I take a few minutes to consider these lists, I want you people to just, socialize." After saying that, Master hand flew behind the curtains at the back of the stage, and left the crowd alone.

"…Would you believe me if I said I signed up for every play?" Ganon whispered to his ex-nemesis Link.

"I don't know." Link said thoughtfully. "That would depend on how much Coffee you've had today."

"I knew I should have had a cup before coming down." Ganon pouted.

---

"So, which play did you sign up for?" Roy asked Cloud.

"…Rapunzel, and that Shrew one." Cloud replied gruffly.

"Oh? I signed up for that one too!"

"I think a lot of people did." Marth said.

"…Ugh!" Roy crinkled his nose at the stench. "What happened to you!?!?"

"A big yellow cloud, that's what. I've been trying to wash it off ever since." Marth sighed dejectedly.

"Try tomato juice." Mario whispered. "If you ran into one of Wario's gas clouds, it's just like skunk musk. It'll work, I'd know."

"Thank you." Marth smiled. "Hey, what do you think about some of the people that left? They didn't seem happy…"

"Maybe something happened?" Roy suggested.

"There hasn't been anything on the news, so I guess everything's ok." Ephraim leaned in from his seat a row back. "I'm not worried about Renais. They're doing ok without me or Erika around."

"Still…" Lyon said.

"Still what?" Everybody around asked.

"Everything's too quiet." Lyon said simply.

"…"

"…We'll keep our eyes open for anything suspicious." Marth said. "I didn't think of that."

"Then, you haven't possibly stayed up late at night, have you?" Zelda said quietly.

"I go to sleep early." Roy said helplessly. "What can I say? I play and eat like a kid!"

"Yeah, we should call you the Kitchen Cleaner!" Cloud joked.

"Hey! At least I don't eat as much as Kirby or Yoshi!" Roy protested.

"POYO!"

"Now, now, Kirby." Yoshi comforted the puff. "They weren't dissing you! It's fine."

"The lady has a point. Listen." Meta Knight said.

"As I asked, have any of you stayed up late at night, lately?" Zelda asked.

"Like before…Nope!" Roy said.

"I have." Lyon said.

"So have I." Aliana spoke up suddenly. "I get this really weird feeling, that we're being-"

"Watched." Jun said.

"Only magical people, so far." Cloud said. "Anybody see any patterns?"

"People that have connections with the flow of magical energy." Lyon echoed. "I haven't had the 'watched' feeling, but I've sensed odd ripples in the magic flow."

"I've felt both." Zelda said. "Just between all of us, let's keep our eyes open."

"Got it." Everybody echoed.

-----------------

Everybody sat there for a bit afterwards, just prattling on about random nothings, when Master Hand suddenly sprung out from behind the curtains!

"Alright, everybody! I've tallied up the people, and I've found perfect matched for all the characters!"

"Woo hoo." Ganon said in monotone, waving a tiny flag.

"…Ok, anyways, I'm going to post the list up on bulletin boards around the mansion, and I'll be sending you all that are in the plays your lines, so you can study them. Oh…and Mewtwo?"

"What?"

"Come with me." Master hand said.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"What'd I do this time?" Mewtwo asked gruffly.

"I'm not stupid, Mewtwo." Master hand said as he turned around. "You didn't sign the roster. You had G&W forge your name."

"So?"

"It's Spring Cleaning for you, Pal!" Master Hand said. He threw a bucket and mop at Mewtwo, who attempted to catch it with his mind, but was forced to catch it with his hands.

"Why couldn't I use my mind!?!?" Mewtwo yelled, distressed.

"Because, that set is a 'gift' from me. Afraid of a little labor?"

"Grr…I'll get you for this!" Mewtwo yelled.

"Now, to put up those lists…" Master Hand said to himself as he floated away.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Later…

Around the mansion, a few groups of smashers were gathered around news boards in the hallways, showing who got parts for what.

"Unbelievable…:" Ganon moaned. "I get to be the witch in Hansel and Gretel, and the witch in Rapunzel!"

"I get to be the wolf in Red Riding hood." Fox commented calmly. "So what if you look like a witch?"

"WARLOCK!"

"Hmm, musta gotten it from your mom." Fox said.

"Get over here so I can strangle you!" Ganon roared. He turned towards the foxy smasher, only to see he was already gone. "C'MERE!"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Looks like I get to be the hunter in Red Riding Hood." Matt said.

"That's nice!" Fox yelped as he shot past, closely pursued by Ganondorf.

"I'm Jack!" Y. Link piped up happily. I get to steal a golden goose!"

"Whahoo." Popo said in monotone. "As expected, Nana and I are Hansel and Gretel."

"We get to eat lots and lotsa candy!" Nana squealed.

"I didn't get picked, so I'll just watch ya people suffer." Ness smirked playfully.

"Because you got no acting skills!" Y. Link taunted. Ness immediately went red.

"I can too act!" Ness protested.

Everybody laughed, while Ness stood there blushing like a ripe tomato. Fox zipped past, and shortly after, Ganon appeared, panting heavily and lumbering after him.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Later…

"Man…" Ganon sighed. "I'm tired of behaving! It makes me feel…Ewwy!"

"I know how you feel." Bowser said. "Say! I've got an idea!" He cried, snapping his fingers.

"And what would that be?" Ganon said softly.

"We'll have a 'naughty' day!" Bowser cried triumphantly. "Just one day! Half a day, even! Just to let us loosen up a tad bit."

"By jove, you've got it!" Ganon cried, jumping up. "So, what'll we do!?!?"

"Hmm…Let's go visit mute city!" Bowser said after a moment.

"And what will we do there?" Ganon asked.

Bowser leaned over and whispered in his ear, and an evil smirk covered Ganon's whole face.

"I LIKE the sound of that, pal!" Ganon said.

"Partners in crime!" Bowser said. "…But, it's not a crime, because it happens all the time! We'll be fine."

"I sure hope so." Ganon said.

C. Falcon was around the corner, listening to the two plotting.

One idea flashed through his head, and he really didn't like it.

He silently turned, and walked towards the garage where his race ship was parked. He had a long day of preparation ahead of him.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**He he he…So………………………..**

**Yes, I'm getting you all tense. I have a sub plot going on that leads to the next episode in the Supremacy saga, but, you people will just have to ponder the mysteries as they come! BWA HA HA HA!**

**MH: Time to activate the evil nefarious plan blocker again.**

**(And so, while I am ranting on, it is all bleeped out.)**

**And that's it! Pure genius! HA HA HA!!!**

**MH: Yup, perfect. Anyways, see you all next time! There'll be another update soon, so be expecting us!**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**


	6. Urge To be Naughty

**Ok, time for a bit of good old madness, and in a few chappies, I'll get back to the main plot! I'll reveal more of the smasher's roles in the plays as we go along.**

**MH: Yes, today, we will hang out with some people that have an Urge to be Naughty!**

**Yep! Today, Bowser and Ganon are the stars of the show! So, let's go!**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

"WHAT the CRAP is Captain Falcon doing in there!?!?" Seth shouted.

"Sounds like to me he's dismantling his car and building it back up." Link said. "He's never been this fervish before. He's never worried about winning his races…he just DOES it."

"Yeah…That's the picture I got, too. Heck, I've watched him race on TV, and he doesn't even worry!"

SLAM!!!

"I am…FINISHED!" Captain Falcon cried triumphantly. "Tomorrow, there's no way I'll lose!"

"Cheers!" Link said.

"Thank you, Link. I heard the comment, Seth, and I appreciate that too. Well, now that my business here is done, I have elsewhere to go. See you at the track, boys!" C. Falcon said as he walked off.

"…Ok, something has him worried." Link finally said.

"I thought we decided that already!" Seth exclaimed.

"No, we didn't. And besides, you could see by the way his mouth twitched."

"Really? I didn't notice…"

"You haven't been with him for a few years. It's hard to notice."

"I'll take your word for it, then." Seth said.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Later…

Cheering.

Lots of it.

Captain Falcon ran from the doorway as the announcer called his name out, and he stood by his car for a moment to show off to his fans before hopping into the Blue Falcon.

"Captain Falcon's all set, and now that all the drivers are properly introduced, get ready!

On your mark…Get set…

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!

Captain falcon's engines screamed, and then, he instantly shattered the sound barrier as did everybody else in the race.

The contestants roared out of the stadium where the starting line was located, and headed down the track. The course was located somewhere is Mute city, which was recovered already from the disaster from their latest adventure.

C. Falcon steered between ships as they closed in on him, then he floored his pedal and his ship shot out from between two cars as they crashed into each other.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"C. Falcon seems to have this one in the bag, already!" The announcer cried excitedly. "Just look at him go!"

"…Wow." Seth said. "He really IS going faster than usual. Think it involves what happened earlier in the garage?"

"I guess so." Link replied.

Just behind them a row, sat Ganon and Bowser.

"I think it's time for us to start. We have a minute to get down to the front rows." Bowser whispered.

"I get ya." Ganon whispered back.

They got up, and walked off as if going towards a concession stand, to avoid suspicion. They walked down a few hallways and staircases, and ended up right by the road, amidst a crowd of fans.

"They won't know what hit 'em!" Bowser cackled.

Ganon shared a quick evil laugh with him, then, when the announcer, well, announced the coming of the racers, they made their move.

When C. Falcon passed, they vaulted over the railing, and landed smack in the course of oncoming racers.

"Whoa! Look there, two people just jumped on the pitch!" the announcer cried.

People screamed as the anticipated crash quickly came into play, but instead of Bowser and Ganon getting hurt, the cars started flying like mad, while a few managed to squeak past them.

Left and right, Bowser and Ganon smashed any F-Zero race car that got close, sending tons of parts flying everywhere, miraculously without hurting anybody, even the drivers…too badly…

"Ha ha!!!" Bowser laughed wildly. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY!!"

Ganon laughed along with him, while using a long sleek machine named the Death Anchor as a bat. He swatted a machine off the track, and it flew into the air and exploded like a gigantic firework, while the driver flew off in his ejection pod and parachute.

"Master Hand! Do something!" Zelda shouted above the din.

"I can't." Master Hand said. "Believe it or not, there's no laws saying random people can't jump around mauling the machines."

"Yeah, remember that one day we battled on the Mute City course during our Melee tourney?" Marth said.

"Oh…Yeah." Zelda said.

"Even then Bowser and everybody else was smashing cars, just for the fun of it. Relapse, I guess."

"If that's the case…My friend there has good tastes!" Link said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some SMASHING business to attend to."

"I feel I'm up to some smashing…Midna, would you like to tag along?"

Midna popped up from Zelda's shadow, and floated about on her back like she was floating in water, with her two hands behind her back.

"He he he…Count me in! I'm bored to tears." Midna said, sounding like her usual mischievous self.

"Race you there!" Link said, jumping over the rail in front of the seats into another aisle below, which he ran down towards the course.

Zelda just simply warped to the bottom, and waited for Link to catch up.

"Hey! No fair!" Link cried.

"First one to ten KO's wins!" Zelda taunted.

"I'll win this one!" Link said determinedly. He jumped over the rail onto the road, and quickly began smashing up race cars, while Zelda warped down and started blowing cars to bits with Din's Fire.

The road became a full out brawl as the smashers did their work, smashing cars left and right. There were hundreds of racers, for some reason.

Bowser smashed a car, and froze for a second when he realized it was just a _normal_ car, not a F-Zero racer.

"Hey, what're a bunch of losers doing here?" Bowser asked his partner. "I just threw a guy, and he had a buggy!"

"So what?" Ganon said. "Smash 'em harder!"

"I heard that one!" Bowser chuckled before resuming the senseless bashing of idiot racers.

There was a sudden loud roaring, as Captain Falcon's car came screaming back through the finish line. Everybody scattered, except for Ganon and Bowser, who were too preoccupied smashing racers.

There was a boom as C. Falcon Hit the two, and both of the pranksters were splatted on the windshield of the Blue Falcon.

"Look at them go!" The announcer cried. "I wonder…Has anybody ever survived one hundred G's, and with no wind protection?"

"No." Master hand said, appearing behind him.

"And there you have it!" the announcer said. "Now, while the victor does a victory lap, I'll go get myself some coffee!"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!!!!!!!!!!" Bowser and Ganon screamed at the top of their lungs, even though nobody could or would hear them.

Captain Falcon yelled as he tried steering, but he couldn't see a thing, with two of the biggest smashers ever plastered to his windshield.

He swerved left, and right, but failed to swing the two off. In his confusion, he didn't see the guard rail.

He smashed right through it, and plummeted through the air, a good ten miles above Mute City.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Mmm…Good Coffee!"

SLAP! Master hand slapped the announcer on the back of the head, and he started doing his job again…not that he was being paid for it. Or, not that he wasn't couldn't be paid for it, but that doesn't make sense, now, does it, matey?

"Man…Look at that!" The announcer cried. "Falcon's past the guard rail, and he's taking the old death drop to the city below…"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

C. Falcon pressed a button on the dashboard, which caused a few thrusters underneath the ship to activate. The jets slowed the fall, while stabilizing it. The moment the machine stabilized, it rocketed forwards like a missile, right through the top of a gigantic department store.

They smashed through the wall, and Ganon and Bowser were subjected to loud torture as they shot through the kitchen section, hitting their heads on a continuous line of pots and pans.

They hit another wall, and shot out from the building, through another just next to it.

Buildings randomly blowing up around them as they shot through the city, causing so much damage it was like Wario farted on an Atomic Bomb.

Needless to say…Master Hand wasn't pleased.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"You two destroyed Mute City." Master Hand said simply. "Have you anything to say for yourselves?"

"…" Both the smashers remained silent, partly because they thought they were in trouble, the other partly was because they were suffering from third degree wind burns…which ARE possible, but I'd question the 'third degree' part.

"…Come on, you guys!" Master Hand said. "I want to know what you think about it, so we can stick the pictures we took in the yearbook!"

"Really!?!?" The two cried excitedly.

"My personal wish has been made true." Master hand sighed. "I never hoped to see the day Mute City would burn to the ground…However…"

"What?" They asked, crestfallen.

"There's still the matter of how much money you owe the racers you smashed to solve."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Tsk Tsk.**

**Lesson number one: Don't destroy other people's property!**

**MH: Really, though, Mute city's full of nasties.**

**Oh well, anyways, sorry it was short. I changed my mind about doing a long chapter of it, for some reason I got bored of it rather quickly. Next up, a chapter with the Cootie wimp, Mewtwo! **

**Watch as he battles the evil scum of the universe…in his own basement! BWA HA HA!**

**I'm overdoing it…Oh well! See you all next time, and I hope you had fun!**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**


	7. The Cootie Wimp!

**Ok, now, for that cleaning war I promised! Ha!**

**Sorry about last chapter, everybody. I know it was short, but all I can say is, I got somewhat bored of the idea, and it's no use to draw such things on for long.**

**Hopefully, you DID enjoy what there was, right?**

**Anyways, time to start chapter seven now! Yayz!**

**Let's-a go!**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

"Ugh…I STILL can't believe Master Hand did this to me." Mewtwo moaned pitifully as he mopped the kitchen.

He cringed every time he squeaked the mop across the floor, and he hovered above it to avoid getting germs on his feet.

Those, he was _deathly_ afraid of.

He'd never been ill in his whole life, and he wanted to KEEP it that way.

Unless if you counted the time, five minutes ago, when he was cleaning the toilet.

He ended up scrubbing the whole bathroom a second time to get rid of his vomit.

Merely recalling that made Mewtwo convulse a second time, before continuing his dirty work. He hadn't been scrubbing the kitchen long, when an odd sloshing noise reached his ears.

He stopped on the spot, and used his mind to look around the room, in every single nook and cranny. Nothing.

_It better not be that scum monster the kids were screaming about, years ago._ Mewtwo thought.

He went back to cleaning again, when the noise reached his ears again. Instantly, Mewtwo was looking at where the sound originated, in his mind's eye.

Still nothing.

He unconsciously looked at the sink, where a slimy purple tentacle with an yellow eye was looking at him. Mewtwo screamed, and stepped back.

"ARRRRGH!!! FIIIIIIIIIIILTH!!!" He shrieked.

The blob sucked itself down the drain with a slosh, and just like that, it was gone.

Mewtwo shuddered violently. That monster had a dark aura about it…AND LOTS OF COOTIES!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

After sitting in the hot, comfy and sanitary shower for a few minutes, Mewtwo finally got his senses back.

_Master Hand left it up to me to take care of the mansion, so, that's JUST what I'll do!_ Mewtwo decided.

He slammed the shower door open, which caused it to shatter when it smashed into the wall.

"…I'll clean that up later." Mewtwo sighed.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

A few minutes later, Mewtwo was ready.

He was wearing one of Snake's spare headbands, and a belt full of ammunition and grenades. Strapped on his back he had Luigi's vacuum cleaner, and floating on either side of him was a few various types of cleaner and disinfectant.

Mewtwo flexed his fingers, then he teleported back down to the kitchen., where he started looking for traces of scum monsters.

He didn't have any luck, until he looked in the sink, which he saved for last.

He looked down, and spotted something new.

Around the drain, was a scum ring, like in a bathtub?

"Hey! I cleaned this just before that beast appeared!" Mewtwo shouted to himself. He stood up straight, growling while steam shot out his ears. He regained his cool, then he dashed to all the bathrooms he had already cleaned.

Dun!

DUN!

DUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Mewtwo howled. All of the bathrooms were filthy! Even the toilets, which he had spent so much time cleaning, were now scummy, as were the bathtubs and the sinks.

"Well, that explains why Peach and Zelda are always cleaning." Mewtwo said. "…Looks like I'm gonna have to go to the source!"

He walked back downstairs, having forgotten in his hurry that he could have warped. When he was down in the kitchen, he screamed.

The whole place was overflowing with purple, rancid sludge!

"I have HAD it!" He screamed angrily. He flew out of the kitchen into the dining room, then from there into the foyer at the front of the mansion. He went right through the room into a hallway on the other side of the mansion. When it branched off, he turned left and turned right down a staircase into the basement.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Down in the pipe room, he was faced with a huge puddle of foul sludge, which had seeped up from the ground. It smelled like a sewer, times ten!

The ooze had penetrated a few of the pipes, which explained all the scum in the mansion.

Mewtwo stepped forwards only once before the sludge twitched.

It gathered itself up, and formed a puddley body, with two arms, and a dome-like head, with two yellow eyes and a giant gaping mouth.

"I should have known the mansion was infested with a Muk!" Mewtwo growled. He gathered up a ball of psychic energy, then he threw it at the pokemon.

The Muk oozed out of the way, and blubbered angrily. He retaliated by spitting up a gigantic wad of waste at Mewtwo, who knocked it aside with his mind, then he hit it with his Psychic attack.

Just like that, the Muk was KO'd.

"Just as easy as always." Mewtwo smirked. "No Poison type pokemon stands a chance against me!"

He watched as the muk oozed into the hole in the ground, and eventually, the stinky pokemon was gone, but he still left behind a good deal of stinkyness.

"Unfortunately, my job's not done yet." Mewtwo sighed.

He grabbed his mop and bucket again, and got busy with his work.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

A few hours later, Mewtwo was in the foyer cleaning, when Master Hand and everybody else walked into the front door.

Master Hand instantly curled up into a fist at the stench, and aimed towards Mewtwo as if glaring.

"I explicitly gave you a JOB!" Master hand roared furiously. "AND, you go doing the exact opposite, just to spite me!?!? Get a LIFE, and some maturity, while you're at it!"

"But, b-but I-!" Mewtwo sputtered.

"Spit it out." Master Hand demanded.

"It was a Muk!" Mewtwo protested. "It came out of a hole in the pipe room!"

"And I'm supposed to believe you?" Master hand asked.

Mewtwo didn't respond, but he just sighed and hung his head in despair.

He unconsciously opened up his mind, and he caught a stray thought that instantly made the situation make sense.

_I hope Ness doesn't miss that Muk I released._

"Just admit it!" Mewtwo yelled suddenly, pointing his finger at Ganon, who started sputtering angrily.

"What do you mean!?!!? You think I, of all people, did it!?!?" Ganon screamed.

"Thoughts don't lie…most of the time." Mewtwo declared.

"Like we'd trust a liar." Ganon snorted.

Silence.

"…I think it's time for a lie detector test, BOTH of you." Master Hand sighed.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Only minutes later, Ganon was seen mopping the floor furiously, with the enchanted mop and bucket, courtesy of Master Hand.

Ganon cussed irritably under his breath as he cleaned the floor, wishing the foul stench would just go away.

"…Now, thanks to you, everyone knows I have a pokemon collection!" Ness screamed.

Ganon sighed. Ness has been screaming his guts out at him for the past few minutes, and Master Hand even egged him on a little.

Ganon kept mopping up the mess, barely hearing himself think about finishing while Ness screamed his guts out.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Oh well. I'm pretty satisfied with this chapter, but, what about YOU, now?**

**I'm sorry it took so long, I don't know how many times I've said it, but I've been feeling real lazy.**

**I guess it's because of all that work I did for Supremacy. I didn't really take a break after finishing it, but I have been kinda lax about updating, so oh well.**

**Thank you ALL, for reading and reviewing! I hope you all enjoyed the chapter as much as I did!**

**With That said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**


	8. Good Thing It's Only Acting!

**Hmm, so I started thinking, MAYBE IT'S TIME TO GET ON WITH THE PLAYS!**

**MH: Took you long enough to come to THAT conclusion, SR!**

**Dude…can I help it if I run outta ideas? My 'adventure' gears are running, but I'm not sure I can say the same for 'humor'. Aye, an' I was 'hopin I would make this fic uber funny, too!**

**MH: So what. Each person has their individual skills. Maybe you're stretching too far.**

**ARRR!!!!**

**(Time freeze)**

**Ok, everybody, before I continue fussing with MH, I just wanted to say, I THOUGHT I had super good ideas for this story, now's I'm thinkin' otherwise.**

**I'll have a couple of goofing around chapters, but don't expect this story to extend past twenty. I'm RLY in the mood to start on Episode two, and you know what I mean by that, right????**

**STILL, I'm going to give this my best, and try to really make something outta this story, and make it a REAL humor story. I feel like I've been lame, of late. I could use some encouragement, then again, even still I get lotsa that:D**

**I'm outta ideas, as far as extra, sub plots go. All I have is the plays, and, trust me, I'm REALLY going to mess them up!**

**CH: No, you mean, I AM!**

**(Time continues)**

**HEY!!!!**

**CH: WHEEEEEEE HEEEEEEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE**

**BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!**

**(Master Hand Atomic punched Crazy, and, of course the results were catastrophic. Crazy flew through a nearby wall, causing the whole building to collapse.)**

**Oh, brother. Let's get on with the chapter.**

**MH: I'm REALLY about to commit a horrible crime, and none of you need to witness it!**

**(Master Hand clenches himself menacingly)**

**Uh oh. Bye bye!**

**(RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!)**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let down your hair!" Enrique cried overdramatically, and mushily.

He was dressed in his normal princely clothing, only he had on a cape.

Peach, who was 'Rapunzel', had super long hair. How? I think hair tonic…

Peach was at the top of a giant tower, and she was looking at the tiny purple speck below that was Enrique.

One thing Master Hand didn't tell them, was, where they were performing, or how.

They found that out later, in the auditorium.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

One Hour ago…

Everybody was seated inside the auditorium, looking up at the stage where Master hand was floating.

"Hello, everybody!" He said, over-cheerfully.

"Stop SCARING us!" Ganon screamed in agony.

"I can't help it you big macho villains hate being happy." Master Hand retorted.

"Huh? Who said I didn't like being happy?" Bowser grinned toothily. He resumed eating out of his gigantic tub of popcorn, which Ness stole a few pieces from occasionally. "MINE!"

"Anyways…" Master Hand said, ignoring the outburst, "I thought about it, and here's what I decided. I got to thinking, 'it's boring just doing the plays on a stage, with crappy plots.' Guess what? This time, we're going to revolutionize the concept of theatrical arts, by REALLY DOING IT!"

"What does that mean?" Vyse asked apprehensively.

"Better to show you than to explain." Master Hand said. He made a giant remote appear, and he pressed a button to make a big screen drop down. The lights faded, then some credits flashed up on the screen from a projector.

Master Hand appeared on the screen, in a blank, white cubic room.

"Hello, whoever is watching this!" He said. "Today, we're putting the mental into Experimental!"

"Loser." C. Falcon muttered quietly. He was swiftly bopped on the head by Marth, who helped Roy and Zelda to drag him away.

"Now, look closely at this room I'm in." Master hand said. "…It's a hologram!"

He snapped his fingers, and instantly, the room exploded into color as a big battle faded in. Fox, Meta Knight, Samus, and Roy were battling on top of a space ship as it flew through tons of different places, with an asteroid belt being one of them.

"By taking advantage of holographic, computer-rendered worlds, instead of being on a stage, we can actually BE there, doing it ALL. Know what I mean by that?" He snapped his fingers again, this time a peaceful forest, with a little cottage appeared.

"Words are useless at this time." Master Hand insisted, as Nana in a red parka ran down a little path towards the cottage. "See, we all know this setting. Red Riding Hood!"

CLICK!

The lights turned back on, and the screen went back into the ceiling. Master Hand floated back onto the stage, looking like he expected some people to start asking questions.

He got them.

The whole room exploded into noise as everybody either protested some random thing, or said things like, "AWESOME!"

"Ok, ok, OK!!!!!" Master Hand bellowed. "I can already see that SOME of you like the idea, but others of you, don't. Boo hoo. I'm sorry, everybody, but THIS is how we're going to do our plays. By acting in artificial worlds I've created, it'll look like a movie, and will be fifty times better than just some crummy old building."

"Hey! I like old buildings!" Paul yelled. "Well…Except for when they fall on top of me."

CRASH!

The ceiling buried him in the spot, miraculously missing Sora, who was sitting next to him.

"HA HA HA HA!" Ganon laughed. The ceiling caved in on him too, miraculously missing everybody around him.

"Well, what do you think?" Master Hand asked. "Do you think it'll be more fun, or what?"

"It'll suck." Samus stated bluntly.

"Yes, Katherine, I figured you'd say that." Master Hand sighed.

"My name isn't Katherine!" Samus exploded.

"Ah! But, in 'The Taming of the Shrew', you're Katherine, the Shrew!" Master Hand said.

"I am not a mouse."

"You fail to see my point." Master Hand hummed. "A shrew can also be a very mean, feisty, scary, and…and feisty woman!"

"Ha ha!" Ganon laughed. The ceiling squished him again.

Samus froze, glared at Master Hand, then shot one super missile at him before storming out of the room.

He was taken by surprise, so Master Hand took the blow full on. He flew back and ripped a hand shaped hole in the curtains. There was a huge explosion shortly after, and he floated out, looking burnt and worse for wear.

"Ok, I've blabbered enough. Just practice, while I go upstairs and arrange some anger management classes for Samus."

Master Hand floated out of the room, which left the smashers all alone.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Upon finishing her recollection, Peach heard Enrique below, yelling impatiently.

"Curse it, Peach! We're PRACTICING our act, not astronomy!" Enrique shouted.

"Sorry!" Peach yelled back.

The tower she was in, was in a small clearing in a really large forest, which seemed to expand to the horizon forever.

She lowered her long hair, like she was supposed to. Her hair went all the way down to the bottom of the tower, which was WAAAAAAAAAYYY below. The hair hit Enrique in the face, and he sputtered in surprise as he pulled a few strands of the super long braid out of his mouth. He started climbing up the hair/rope, when Peach screamed.

LOUDLY.

She was sitting on the window sill, looking at the ocean of trees, when, a sudden tug on her hair upset her balance, and sent her hurtling to the forest below.

"Oopsie." Crazy hand said. "I hope Master Hand doesn't mind."

He was watching the rather horrible acting on a screen, and he was in the holographic generator control room.

He flipped a lever, and Gravity reversed, causing Peach to go screaming the other way. Enrique clung to the ground with a fistful of grass, but eventually, he flew into the sky, and hit the overhang on the top of the tower.

Peach, hair and all, flew into the sky like a kite, then suddenly, there was a loud explosion and a blast of light.

"Enrique wins!" Crazy Hand cheered. He had made a few settings, meaning he set the hologram to be an arena. Peach and Enrique were sitting in a battle arena, unknowingly.

"AHEM."

"Oh, Bugger." Crazy said.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Crazy screamed, both in delight, and in terror.

He was inside the hologram world, only this time the whole forest was on fire, the tower was falling apart amidst an earthquake, and a giant black dragon chased Crazy around, snapping at him and breathing flames.

Master Hand sat at the screen with a wii-mote, controlling the dragon and making it chase his brother and such.

"This, is the price one must pay for misusing the hologram machine." Master Hand called out over the loudspeaker, while broadcasting the 'game' on every TV in the mansion.

He cloud hear everybody on every floor laughing at the mindless destruction.

"Revenge is so sweet." Master Hand laughed, while he pressed the A button to make the dragon chew on a screaming Crazy Hand.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**YAY! Now you see how the plays are gonna be done.**

**Do ya like it? Honestly, I don't have anything against acting in a real theater house, but hey, I wanted to do something new, and something I can easily do something crazy with!**

**Please, let me know how I did, and thank you all for reading and reviewing! See ya, and thanks again, everybody!**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**

**(I'm in the mood to update fast, so expect an update either later today, or tomorrow!)**


	9. Suspicion

…**AHEM…**

**I got this one random idea, and I had already written three, no, two pages of it, when I deemed it, 'unbelievably stupid, uncreative, and lame.'**

**Thankfully, I deleted it.**

…**ANYWAYS…'AHEM'…Let's just start already. 'Nuff said!**

**Oh, yeah…More sub, yet, important plot advancement! Last minute decision!**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Link ignored the chilly breeze as it blew through his hair, carrying with it the cries of the janitor that had fallen to the evil, singing flowers that WEREN'T piranha plants!

Well, he tried to ignore it…

Link finally thrust his trowel aside (That's a small hand shovel, for those that didn't know), and looked into the cloudy sky.

Strangely enough, fall wasn't supposed to come for another month, and yet…

Here it was.

A crimson red leaf drifted through the air, and fluttered in front of Link's face. He snatched it out of the air, and crushed it between his fingers. He watched as the red powder drifted on the wind, eventually disappearing from sight. When the dust was gone, Link looked into the grey, cloudy sky.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Heavy footsteps echoed down the hallway as a figure rushed through, panting heavily. It sounded as if he had run for miles on one breath, and was now trying to make up for it by heaving gigantic breaths.

He stopped in front of metallic double doors: Master Hand's office.

He thrust the doors aside, revealing Master Hand facing him from his desk, as if he expected him.

"Master Hand: I have bad news." Cress gasped.

"…It's happened already, hasn't it?" Master Hand inquired. Cress shook his head sadly. "…I see. I can't say I'm surprised, but things are definitely going wrong faster than I had hoped. Nobody saw you come in?"

"Of course not. As far as anybody's concerned, I've been scarce since the celebration party we threw at Dhaos' defeat." Cress said.

"Good, keep it that way." Master hand sighed. "…I trust you can handle this yourself?"

"…I believe so." Cress said. "Why can't the smashers help us?"

"I said it before." Master Hand said firmly. "This is OUR fight: they've done all that we expected of them, and I wish that they do no more. They're all lucky to still be living, and I want to KEEP it that way. Besides, this is our fight, and…they're not powerful enough…They'll surely face defeat, if not worse."

"…Makes you wish a few of our old friends were still around." Cress sighed.

"…That would be most helpful…Indeed." Master Hand said. "However, we're the only ones left, out of our whole team."

"What about Palutena?" Cress asked.

"…Her heart was taken by Marluxia, and she was transformed into a Nobody. Her Heartless is unaccounted for."

"I wasn't expecting that. She still has a chance, though. The rest of us…though…"

"Don't." Master hand finished. "…Alright. Keep your eyes open, and come back if you get any more news. I'll work something out so I can conveniently disappear, then maybe we can do something about it."

"Ok, then. I'll hold you to your word." Cress said. "Adieu, Master hand. Until we meet again!"

He drew an odd, mystical sword that had a light bluish purple blade. He swung it once and thrust it into the air, and vanished in a shaft of light.

"…Now I'm really wishing I didn't dismiss those smashers." Master hand sighed. "…Oh…So much trouble."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Zelda was sitting in her large, queen sized bed, in her nightgown, when there was the sound of a footstep outside her room.

She looked away from her book, to the right where her alarm clock was.

It said Twelve o' clock.

"Golly, it's late." Zelda yawned. She put a marker in her book and set it aside, then slipped out of her bed and headed towards the door.

She peeked outside her room, and looked down either side of the hallway.

At the south end, near one of the windows, she saw a silhouette.

"!" She shot back into her room, then carefully looked out, exposing only enough of her face so that she could look with one eye. After her eyes got used to the lighting, she recognized the faint black and green outfit of the one standing by the window.

She carefully closed her door, which made the person jump a foot into the air and turn around.

"Oh! It's you…" Paul sighed with relief.

"…I heard you prowling outside my door." Zelda said.

"…I wasn't spying on you, if that's what you're thinking." Paul said. "I'm having a hard time getting to sleep. I usually go to bed at two in the morning, anyways."

"Is that why you're here now?" Zelda asked.

"No, normally, I'd be in my room reading or doing something else…but something caught my attention.'

"What would that be?" Zelda asked.

"…That." Paul said, pointing out the window.

Zelda looked at his face for a second while she was walking towards the window, then she pressed her hand against the glass and looked down at the yard.

Two specks of faint red light waved back and forth. Zelda gasped, which caused the eyes to look up. When it did, nobody was there.

Zelda and Paul were booking it down the hallway, which was pretty long.

They stopped halfway down the hall, in front of a door with a plaque across the top, with the name, Lyon, on it.

Paul rapped the door with his knuckles, and in a few seconds, Lyon appeared at the door with messy hair, and a bunch of papers in his hands.

"Sorry, what did I miss?" He yawned loudly. His eyes were half closed, and he looked like he'd fall asleep any second.

"There's something in the back yard." Paul said.

Instantly Lyon woke up, and looked at him attentively. "Really? It can't be any of us, because I know for a fact everybody's in their rooms."

"Really…" Zelda said.

"…Except for us." Lyon said. "Anyways, what did you want again?"

"There's something odd in the backyard." Zelda repeated.

"…" Lyon looked from Zelda's face, to Paul's, and back to Zelda's, before he ran for the window.

The two smashers followed behind him, and caught up to him, with him looking out the window.

"…I don't see anything!" Lyon said, slightly frustrated.

"But! But there was-"

"If this is some sick joke, go bug somebody else." Lyon snapped. "I fell asleep while doing some important studying, and I really don't need interruptions. Now, Goodnight."

Lyon stomped off, leaving the two surprised magic users behind.

Slowly, they made their way back to their rooms, wondering what they had seen, and what to make of it.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The light came early, and on the east side of the Mansion, the sun shone through crisp clear air, into the east bedrooms.

Mario woke up when the light splashed on his face, and he took a few seconds to stretch and rub the sleepiness out of his eyes.

He hopped from his bed, and landed on the floor in front of Luigi, who still slept peacefully.

Finished stretching, Mario scratched his sides, and straightened his rumpled clothing. He had slept in his clothes during the night, and his clothing was very wrinkled.

Mario walked around the bed to the window to open up the shades, and when he did, he gasped.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

A few minutes later, Mario, along with most of the smashers, were all in the back yard, standing around and looking at the line of unidentified footprints.

They weren't human, and the best description for them, was, they were triangular with the inner sides curved. From the front of each of the prints, there were gouges from long sharp talons.

"…My Lawn." Link moaned.

"So what about the lawn?" Falco said. "Something was prowling around last night."

At this, Lyon scowled at Zelda and Paul, but said nothing.

"Last night, I was up in my room when I sensed an odd presence." Paul said.

"Why couldn't some of us feel it, then?" C. Falcon asked.

"…Those attuned to the flows of magical energy can pick up the presences of other beings." Zelda explained. "I felt it too, but only faintly. I forgot about it, until Paul walked past my room. Only in moments after that, I looked out the window, and saw two red glowing eyes."

"…I'd better go call pest control." Marth said. He started walking away, but Ganon caught his cape, and held him.

"Forget it, Marth." Ganon said. "I'm almost certain it wasn't a pest. It's our sort of thing."

"A heartless, maybe?" Sora suggested.

"No, definitely not a heartless." Paul said. "It was…much darker."

"I don't know of anything that could possibly fit that description." Bowser said. "I know I'm not involved."

"Yeah, that's the thing." Ganon said. "Whatever it was, it's definitely something new."

"What do we do?" Ness asked.

"We keep our eyes open." Jun said. "It's all we Can do."

"…Alright, then." Mario said. "We keep this to ourselves for now, but if it gets any worse, we're telling Master Hand."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Okay, that's all for today. Next chappy will resume the usual crazy stuff!**

**Next chappy will be a Friday the 13****th**** special! It's late, yesh, I know, but it'll be funny…As funny as I can make it, I hope.**

**Well, anyways, time is out for this chapter.**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**


	10. Fear of the Thirteenth

**Paraskavedetriaphobia.**

**Supposedly, it means 'Fear of Friday the Thirteenth"**

**That gave me an idea.**

**I know this is late for the occasion, but this is a Friday the thirteenth special!**

**MH: …If he's dead tomorrow, I SWEAR, it wasn't me!**

**Bah! I don't know how this is gonna turn out, but right now, it's pretty random. So…I don't know what to tell you to expect.**

**MH: Expect ANYTHING, ESPECIALLY when this maniac is at the keyboard!**

**(One important decision I made: I do believe I said Pichu was a boy in my other story. I changed my mind. Pichu seems more like the sort to be a girl, and personally, I like Pichu better that way. Pichu's a girl in moi stories now, so…I thought ye'd like ta know dat!)**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Luigi sat silently on the garden bench.

He was completely numb with fright at what his brother had told him. Some beast had been prowling the very garden he was sitting in, near his own window!

He shook like a leaf in the chill breeze, because both the wind, and what was on his mind.

Last night, that monster was but five feet from him. Oh, of course there was a few feet of brick and stuff between them, but that meant nothing to Luigi, at all.

He was vulnerable. All that needed to happen, was for it to come crashing through the window, and it'd be over…for him, probably. He was on the bottom bunk, easy prey.

He was always easy prey. He lacked self confidence, and easily lost his cool in fights.

He sighed sadly, and washed the thoughts from his mind, and stared at the fountain as it bubbled happily, oblivious to everything around it: the weather, the singing flowers, and the man sitting on the bench.

"Pichu!!!"

Luigi looked at the bushes where the cry came from, then, quite suddenly, little Pichu erupted from the bushes and tackled Luigi. He flopped on the bench, with Pichu sitting on top of him, smiling cutely.

"Aww, Pichu!" Luigi laughed.

"Pi!" Pichu squealed happily. She bounced about on Luigi's chest, then hopped off and danced about on the stone walkway before jumping up and down on the spot while squealing.

"You want me to play?" Luigi asked.

"PIII!!!"

"Alrghty, then!" Luigi cried. He pounced from the bench, and soared towards the little mouse. She playfully screamed, and zipped away. Before he smashed his face on the ground, he flipped and landed on his feet, then, he took off after the tiny mouse.

They ran through the garden, going almost everywhere, down every aisle, past every flower. Luigi had a hard time keeping up with the little pokemon, she was so fast.

"I GOTCHA!" Luigi said. He pounced at Pichu again, who used her quick attack to zoom out of the way. Luigi once again prevented himself from knocking himself out, and he continued the chase.

Pichu shot down a long aisle of hedges, and Luigi pursued, flying down the path. He slowly caught up, and almost had her, when she shot around the corner and headed the other way.

Without any time to slow down, Luigi kept flying forwards, until he crashed through the hedge before him. He hadn't realized he had gotten himself completely stuck, until he opened his eyes and looked around.

His head was inside a dark thicket that was just outside the garden, and his body was aligned horizontally, with his legs sticking out the back, his arms were stuck to his sides, and his head was out the other side. His upper legs, and everything above that until the neck were stuck in the bushes.

Normally, he'd be laughing his head off at such a silly thing, but something unexpected had happened.

He was face to face with the mystery monster!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Pichu cowered at the intensity of the scream, but she quickly recovered from the shock, and shot back to where she had last seen Luigi.

She came to the corner of the garden where she lost Luigi, and saw his legs sticking out of the bushes, kicking furiously while he continued screaming.

She gathered up her might, then, with one bound, shot over the hedge and into the thicket.

Upon landing, she heard a feral growl, and turned to see a grotesque monster, with piercing red eyes.

There were no pupils. The eyes were completely red, and seemed to glow with demonic energy. Its body was shaped somewhat like a humanoid lizard body, with a head similar to an alligator's. The snout was ringed with crooked, yet uber sharp fangs that looked sharp enough to cut steel. The beast's arms were long and thin, like whips, and as it walked closer, they dragged on the ground. On the ends of the arms were sharp claws, spread out like a paper fan. The feet fit the footprints exactly, and in person, they were somewhat dinosaur like; they were scaly, as was its whole body.

The scales were pitch black, and the beast itself was hard to see in the semi-darkness of the thicket, but its red eyes easily gave it away.

Pichu squeaked in surprise, and the monster growled before lunging.

Pichu zipped out of the way, then used Quick attack on Luigi's head, which freed him from the hedges, but also separated the little pokemon from any help.

The beast rushed at Pichu again, who charged up an ample charge of lightning, and tackled the monster in the chest.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Link was in the garden, close to the mansion, when he heard the piercing scream rend the autumn air.

He froze for a second, taken by surprise by the scream, then he threw down his garden tools, and ran towards where he judged the source of the noise was located.

He was looking for about a minute, when he saw Luigi fly out of the hedge.

Luigi flew into his chest, and the two fell to the ground with a thud. While they were getting untangled, Link could hear Pichu and some other entity duking it out.

Link managed roll Luigi off his chest, and get up to draw his sword. With his spin attack, he slashed a gaping hole in the hedge, revealing the reptilian monster with Pichu clinging to its chest, shocking it mercilessly.

The monster saw Link, but before it could react, Link had already thrust the Master Sword through the roof of its mouth, all the way up to the hilt. Link closed his eyes as tons of volts of electricity shot through his body.

Pichu finally fell unconscious, and Link did too. They all fell in a heap, with the monster on top.

The monster looked as if it could jump up at any moment, but it was clearly dead. Its crimson eyes continued to glow, even after death.

Luigi quavered with fear, as he looked into its face. He watched as black blood seeped from its head, and trickled across Pichu's fur, and Link's arm.

"….EEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!!" Luigi shrieked. He kicked it off Link's chest, and watched as it flopped over like it was made of rubber. Apparently, the arms lacked bones: instead, they kept their form, with a skeleton of cartilage, like a shark. Only the arms were like that, though.

All too soon, people appeared at the scene, everybody from earlier.

"…That has to be what I saw!" Paul exclaimed. "I can't sense it anymore, seeing as its dead, but that has to be what I saw."

"Yes, I recognize the eyes." Zelda said.

"…So it wasn't a joke after all." Lyon said.

"I don't care what anybody says." Marth said. "I'm telling Master hand."

"I think we should, too." Mario said. "We'll need to bring the body, too, as proof."

A few of the smashers, including Mario, walked up and carefully picked the corpse up and carried it off. Captain Falcon picked Link up off the ground, and Matt picked Pichu up.

Luigi looked at the corpse, and then at his two friends, who had saved his life.

…_Wait a minute. Wasn't there black blood?_ He thought. He shook it out of his mind, and followed after the group.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"That there, is called a Sharb." Master Hand said.

"Well, then what was this sharb doing in our yard?" Matt asked.

"…I really don't know why." Master hand said. "Given the circumstances, I'm not surprised you found one."

"Well, ok, it's a sharb, but WHAT IS it?!?" Peach asked. "It's scary…"

"I know as much as you do about them." Master Hand said. "Only, I knew its name."

"…Is it dangerous?" Luigi asked.

"Very." Master Hand said. "But then so is everything else you all have dealt with. It should be easy compared to other monsters, like Redeads."

"NOTHING, is weaker than a goomba!" Mario said.

Everybody laughed for a tiny bit, but then Master Hand continued.

"…Not all goombas." He said. "You can't forget Goombario."

"Or Goombella." Luigi said.

"Yes, you should be careful about what you say, Mario." Master hand chided him, while Mario blushed embarrassedly. "This goes for all of you: You would do well to remember your friends, and what you've been through with them. You never know when you'll need them again."

"…What if we don't have any friends?" Felious asked suddenly. "…What do we do then?"

"Then, for friendship's sake, remember those lost to you, but continue searching for someone you can share life with. Life's lonely without a partner, of ANY type."

"…"

"Now, as I see it, this sharb was dispatched rather quickly, right?" Master hand asked.

"Yeah…"Luigi sighed. "Pichu was shocking it with lightning, when Link came, and cut through the hedge between us. He then rammed his sword through its skull, which shocked both him and Pichu, and knocked them out. I had just kicked it off of Link, when you guys appeared."

"Did it bleed any?" Master hand asked.

"…At first, I thought so, but now I'm not sure." Luigi said.

"I see. Send Pichu and Link to the infirmary so that they can recover from being shocked. As for the rest of you…keep an eye out for more sharbs, or things of a similar nature. They're quite pesky."

Everybody slowly filed out of the room, and as the crowd thinned, three wire frames came in and carried the two wounded smashers away.

Master Hand turned around in his swivel chair, and faced the wall behind his desk, with his back to the now locked door.

_It's happening…all over again._

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**I'm not explaining ANYTHING! HAR HAR HAR!**

**Ok, I'll update again soon, which means possibly later today. Unless something comes up, expect another update today!**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**


	11. Before the Show

**(Rubs back of head in shame)**

…**Ok, last chapter wasn't much of a special, was it…?**

**Oy…Anyhow, there's more to what happened last chapter than you know. Next story, things will start making sense, so that'll make ya look forwards to getting answers:D**

**I'm not baiting ya intentionally, but I'm a big fan of suspense and mystery, so hopefully you can cope with all the mysteries and stuff.**

**Yesh, about the sharbs, I made them up. They're fairly important, but how, that's for you to find out! Master Hand's lying about them, you KNOW that, don'tcha?**

**Yeah, pay attention to everything, even if it seems unimportant. Lotsa stuffs happening behind the scenes, stuff the normal smashers aren't seeing.**

**That's the advantage of being a reader. Ok, now that I'm done ranting, it's time ta start!**

**Oh, yeah, Devil Deity? HA! I UPDATED:D (Party! PARTY!)**

**Ignoring that, ENJOY!**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Link was resting peacefully in his bed, but inside his mind, he was facing something dark, dangerous…

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Ha! HYYYY…..YAAHHH!" Link cried. He was standing in a black expanse with an invisible floor, while he slashed and hacked away at the red eyes floating around him.

He had a tiny bubble of light around him, and every time one of the creatures approached him, he would swing and scare them away. Against the white light, they were merely black silhouettes, with red eyes and no pupils.

He used a spin attack and knocked two of them away, which screeched and ran from him. One jumped at him from his right, and before he could raise his shield, it curled up its long arm, then the clawed tentacle sprang like a coil, and gouged a huge slash in his side. He screamed in pain and fell to his knees, then another one jumped at him and spun like a fan, slashing him repeatedly. He finally raised his shield and blocked the slashes, then decapitated the monster with his sword.

Black ooze erupted from the monster's neck, and doused his arm in the thick liquid. He yelled in disgust and tried shaking the ooze off, but it clung to him, and even began sinking into his arm. He screamed in agony as his arm felt like it caught on fire, then, a deathly chill spread throughout his body.

When the numbness spread, Link flopped over, with his whole body feeling like rubber. He tried lifting his arm, but he soon lost all control of his body. He watched with his eyes as the monsters surrounded him, and finally closed his eyes when the closest one struck.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Link writhed in mental agony as he struggled against his covers, and after a few seconds of thrashing about, finally ripped his sheets apart and freed himself.

His eyes shot open, and he looked about the room in a panic, then he took a deep shuddering breath, and tried relaxing his still twitching muscles.

"…What…On earth was that…?" He gasped to the ceiling.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap…

Lyon pattered away on the keyboard, then he raised his hand above his head, and pressed one last button.

"Ok, the setting for Red Riding hood is finished." Lyon told Master Hand.

"Good, good." Master hand said. "Gosh, I'm a HAND, and you can do this better than me! You shame me."

"I've had my fair share of computers in my short time here." Lyon said.

"Yes, you sure have. Anyhow, I think it's time we called in the Red Riding Hood crew for a rehearsal."

Lyon nodded, then, spun his chair to the left, where there lay another keyboard. He typed in a quick code, and pressed a button that flashed blue.

Elsewhere in the mansion, the lights flashed blue five times, and the people casting Red riding hood went to the auditorium for their practice.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"La la la LA la!" Nana sang as she skipped through the forest with a red parka, and a picnic basket under her arm.

The camera followed her, controlled by Master Hand.

"You know, Lyon?" Master hand asked, as Fox popped out and made Nana scream.

"What?"

"I figured us actors would do better, if we acted in a 'real' scene." Master hand explained. "You see, what better acting is there, other than acting completely natural? The best way to act, is to live it!"

"Oh! I see what you mean." Lyon said.

"Yeah, hopefully, they won't take it TOO seriously." Master Hand sighed.

While his back was turned, Matt popped out and shot Fox in the butt with a fire bullet. A window popped up, showing Fox was suffering from 20 damage points, and rising, thanks to the fire on his tail. He ran off screen, and within milliseconds, there was a huge explosion.

"Matt and Nana win!" The computer announced.

"Oh, brother." Master hand said. "Crazy hand gave me the idea, really. If anything stupid happens, nothing bad happens to the people inside the hologram world."

"You have to admit, that was funny." Lyon chuckled.

"They just better get their act straight, or things'll get drastic." Master hand said as he pressed the reset button.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Ugh…" Link groaned. He held his head down in the sink, and felt the cool water flow over his head. After a tiny bit, he raised his head, and cupped his hands to gather the water from the faucet. He splashed his face a few times, then he blindly grasped his towel and dried his head.

He looked at the mirror with bleary eyes, and looked himself over.

That clammy chill still hadn't left his body. He felt like he was coming down with a cold.

"…Maybe a warm shower will help me." Link sighed.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Golly, Grandma! What a big mouth you have!" Nana cried.

"Hey! My mouth isn't big!" Fox yelled.

"Ha! Gotcha!" Nana said.

WHAM!

"Nana Wins!" The computer said.

Fox lay unconscious on the bed, with the remains of a shattered mask strewn about the room. Nana had the basket in her hand: Apparently, she used it as a sledge hammer to knock Fox out.

Master Hand, without wasting any time, pressed the reset button.

"She really gave it her all, that time didn't she?" Matt asked. He was taking a small break, since he was finished practicing for the day.

"How can I get it through her head?" Master hand said. "Red Riding Hood's supposed to be HARMLESS. Yet she's kicking his butt even better than in a normal tournament!"

The two watched silently as Nana walked into Grandma's bedroom. Nana conversed with Fox, true to the script, then, when the time came for Fox to lunge, he roared, and shot forwards. Nana screamed, and swung her basket. The basket smashed against Fox's head, and lay him out cold on the floor for the tenth time that day.

"Ok, I think it's time to call it quits." Master Hand said. "I'm starting to think it's hopeless."

"I'm sure she'll get it, someday." Matt said.

"That 'someday' better be soon, or she'll be victim of programming!" Master hand growled.

"Huh?"

"I'll be pulling strings, literally."

"Oh…"

"Well, don't let me waste any more of your time." Master hand said. "Didn't you say you had something you wanted to do?"

"Yeah, I'm going to be doing a few practice matches with Link." Matt said. "I hope he's feeling better after earlier."

"He should be ok." Master Hand said. "As far as I could tell, he's in tip top shape."

"I hope so…I was really looking forward to battling him." Matt said.

"Alright, then." Master hand said. "Everybody else has gotten in good practice. I think it's time to quit for the day." He flipped a lever, which opened up five portals. Out of each portal, a few smashers flew out and hit the stage.

"…In just two days, you all will be on live television." Master hand said, mainly to Matt. "It's gone so fast. I hope everybody does good."

"I know I'll do my best." Matt assured Master Hand. "You don't have to worry about me."

"Good." Master hand said. He floated out of the room, and everybody else left the room as well.

About a minute later, Crazy hand emerged from behind the thick, rolled up curtains. He snickered evilly, and spazzed a tiny bit, then went over to the computer and started typing like, well, Crazy!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Ho ho hum. I haven't done double updating for forever! Yesterday, too!**

**I'm getting back in the mood, everybody! I think I can keep this up.**

**Anyways, thank you all for the reviews! I really appreciate all the kind words, and I hope I'm providing satisfactory entertainment.**

**Ok, then, see ya tomorrow!**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**


	12. Red Riding Hood

**I has something I gotta say. For the next few days, and maybe even more, I'm gonna be rly busy, but I'm gonna get paid for it! Yeah! Anyways, I doubt I'll be able to update as fast as I like. I think I'll be UBER lucky to get in even a chapter a day. Please, have patience…**

**Anyhoo, good. The only clue I'm going to give you about Link, is read Ch. 9 again. All you need to know is there.**

**Ok, then. Now that that's all said, I thank all of you that have reviewed! Please stay tuned in (Yeah, like this is a TV! How shtoopid can I get, huh? No, we're not going to see…YET! HA HA HA!)**

**MH: (I think he's been around my brother too long.)**

**(Neat! I didn't know you used telepathy! Hey, why are we being all shectritive? he he he…)**

**MH: (Oh no!)**

**(Click)**

**Static**

**(Huh, how did THAT happen? Hey, raise the curtains already!)**

**(The workers continue talking)**

**(Hey! I'm talking to you!)**

**MH Stop talking with your head. They can't hear.**

**Oh. Hey, You! Yeah, you with the blue cap! Raise the curtains already!**

**(Said worker pulls on rope, and the curtains bury me, not before I scream like a sissy)**

**MH: That's that! See you at the end of the chapter!**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

"Ok, everybody, in about FIVE minutes, I repeat, FIVE minutes…" Master Hand started saying. "…We'll be on air, so you better do your stuff, the right way, or I'll have to start pulling strings."

Everybody stayed silent. By now, everybody knew what that meant, and they had all learned their lesson, thankfully.

"Ok, everybody, Red Riding Hood team is up!" Master hand said. "Step in the portals, and let's get this show started!"

Fox, Matt, Nana, and Peach walked up to the blue portal, and disappeared in a flash of light. Everybody else in the plays split up, and walked to their designated portals, which were set on stand-by, while anybody that was not in any of the plays went back to their rooms.

Master Hand prayed a quick prayer, then spun around in his swivel chair and started booting up the required systems.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

After the stupid pointless commercials, Red Riding Hood finally came up on TVs everywhere, the ones tuned into the right channel, that is.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

In a large, emerald forest, there was a small cottage, a quaint little house with a small garden at the front.

After a few moments, Nana in her red parka skipped out the door, then she turned around and locked the door, before proceeding to skip down the path while humming some catchy little tune.

"So far, so good." Master Hand sighed.

"And yet, it is messed up at the very beginning!" a crazy voice shouted.

"No! It can't be!" Master Hand cried.

"It is!" Crazy Hand shouted gleefully. "Ever since you started this, I've wanted to mess it up! WHEEE HEE HEE!"

"It is as I feared, you've turned…" Master Hand said. The lights faded to an eerie glow, and the camera zoomed in on Master Hand. "…To the _dark side!_"

"Oh, no!" Crazy said. "You're just over reacting. Ya see, I have this thing against plays, old and new, and I really just feel like annoying ya! No hard feelings!" Crazy said.

"Dang you, Crazy!" Master Hand howled. "Mom always did like you best!"

"Yeah, ain't I good looking?" Crazy asked.

"You won't be when I'm finished with you!" Master hand said.

"Ooh!" Crazy squealed in delight. "An epic battle! Over who gets to control the plays! So tense! So…AWESOME! You're GOIN' DOWN, MASTER HAND!"

"Phooey!!!" Master hand said. "Not if I can do anything about it!"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"La la la la la la la!" Nana sang happily. She skipped down the woodsy path, when, suddenly, there was a snarl, and Fox leapt from the bushes, with white foam around his mouth.

"Fox, the can's showing." Nana whispered.

"oops." Fox said. He pushed a can of whipped cream down further in his pocket, then he resumed the vicious snarling. "So! What have we _here_?" He asked hauntingly.

Nana stuttered in 'fear', and stepped backwards while holding the basket close to her chest. "N-Nothing!"

"Oh, no need to fear!" Fox lied. "I was just walking by, and I HAD to say hi!"

"…So you're not gonna eat me?" Nana asked hopefully.

"Who said anything about that?" Fox said. "But, now that you mention it, I DO feel a little hungry! Got anything good on ya?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" Nana screamed. She ran past him in a flash, and left him behind in the dust.

"Hey! I just wanted a cookie!" Fox sobbed. "Hey…wait a sec! I know where she's going. She's goin' to her Grandma's house! Yeah, that's right, I seen her before. I'll just find her there, and ask."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Using a few handy shortcuts, really, warps in space thanks to programming, Fox got to the house first.

"Oh, what the heck." Fox said. "I have a few minutes to kill."

He walked around the house, and admired the scenery, then he walked up to the front door, and knocked.

"Eh? Is that you, Red Riding hood?" an old voice asked.

"No, it's your friendly neighbor, the Wolf!" Fox called out.

"Oh! It's you. I was 'spectin' ya here earlier." The door opened up, and a graphically aged Peach appeared, wearing glasses and holding some knitting.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Peach. I got out from work later than I expected, and when I finally got out, I went to get a bite to eat, when I ran into Red Riding hood with her basket."

"Oh! Is she well?"

"…I think I scared her. Sigh She thought I wanted to eat her."

"Oh dear…"

"I just wanted a cookie, but no big deal." Fox said. "You don't mind if I stay for lunch?"

"I don't mind." Peach said. "I rather like the company, it's kinda lonesome here…"

"I'm sorry to hear that, Ma'am." Fox said. "I'll be honored to stay."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

BAM!

POW!

WHACK!

"OWWW!!!!" Crazy yelled. "Mommy! Master smacked me!" Crazy screamed into a cell phone. Master Hand quickly smacked the phone out of his hand, then shot a bunch of bullets at him.

Crazy hand caught the bullets like a baseball glove, then he mashed the bullets together into a big glob of metal. "Here, catch this!" He said. He tossed the lump at Master hand, who flew out of the way. The lump exploded, and caught him in the middle of a huge cloud of flames.

"AUGH!!!!"

"WHEEE HEE HEE!" Crazy cried.

"It's not over yet!" Master Hand said. He curled into a fist, then rammed Crazy hard across the knuckles, then he flicked him away and shot him with lasers. Crazy created a reflective wall of light that made the lasers fly everywhere, then he grabbed the barrier and tossed it at Master hand like a shuriken. Master Hand shot a bullet at it that blasted it to pieces, then he warped behind Crazy in an attempt to grab him.

Crazy reacted just as he tried grabbing him, and the two got in a finger lock.

"…Thumb War!" Crazy screamed.

They intertwined fingers, and then fought savagely with their thumbs in a struggle for domination.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"I'll get it." Fox said. He got up from the small dinner table, and walked through the small house to the front door, which he opened.

"EEEEEEEEEK!!!" Nana screamed. She grasped her basket firmly, and whacked Fox across the face brutally. He fell over backwards in surprise, and almost screamed, only he had no time before Nana leapt on him, and started mauling him with the basket.

"What in tarnation!?!?" Peach shouted. She walked into view, and screamed at the sight of the two fighting. She ran into the kitchen, then came back with two large frying pans. She smashed them together and created a huge clang, which stopped the murder pre-maturely.

"Now, WHAT in Heaven's name is going on!?!?!?" Peach asked lividly.

Fox and Nana sat there, stuttering. Peach clapped the pans together again, which silenced them.

"Ok, Nana, what did he do?"

"He was tryin' ta eat you, I KNOW it!" She sobbed.

"I'll have you know, Granny and I are friends, and I stopped by for lunch because I was hungry!"

"SEE!?!?!?"

"I only wanted a cookie when I asked you earlier!" Fox shouted.

"YOU WANTED TO EAT ME!!" Nana shrieked.

Fox only sat still. He knew it was hopeless.

"I'm leaving." Fox said suddenly.

"Why?" Peach asked.

"I can see already that I'm too much trouble to have over even for lunch. I'm not going to force my presence."

With that, Fox walked right out the door, and slammed it shut.

Inside the house, there was a stunned silence.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

There was a few tense seconds, while Master Hand fought Crazy in a simple thumb war.

Finally, Crazy pinned Master's thumb down, then shouted, "I WIN! BWA HA HA!"

"But not the war!" Master Hand said. He tightened his grip on Crazy, then spun around faster and faster, until they were like a mini-cyclone. He spun around the studio/auditorium, and bashed him across anything in the way.

Crazy finally loosened his grip and flew away from Master hand, then he flew way into the air. He flew above Master Hand while dropping bombs, which scattered everywhere and rained destruction. Master Hand took a few hits, but he finally shot Crazy down with a well aimed laser. He warped over to Crazy, and pounded him into the ground with a drill attack. Crazy scrunched up, and formed a shape like a spider before flicking master hand away super hard. He stomped across Master hand with his fingers, then he thrashed about in his trademark Crazy Tantrum attack, which drove his brother into the ground like a nail.

"Now, stay there like a good boy, while I go and make a mess!" Crazy said. He floated towards the computer, but before he reached it, Master hand threw some blue strings made of light across him. The strings latched on various parts of his body, then Crazy Hand, against his will, started tap dancing.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"…Tarnation, Red! You darn scared away my guest!" Peach sighed.

"…But! B-!"

"Now that's enough, young lady." Peach said. "I understand how you feel, but you've just misunderstood Mr. Wolf, that's all. You just misunderstood him."

"…I'm sorry, Grandmamma." Nana said.

"It's ok, sweetie, it'll be ok. Just be nicer to Mr. Wolf next time. He's been having it rough lately, wouldn't you know."

Suddenly, there was a frenzied rapping on the door. Peach and Nana jumped in shock, then Peach hurried over to the door as quickly as she could, and opened the door.

Fox tumbled in, but he had a look of terror written across his face.

"Oh my!" Peach gasped. "What happened?"

"B-B-B-Bear…" Fox stuttered.

"Huh? I don't know any bears." Peach said.

"B-Big black bear out there tried to eat me." Fox gasped.

"Get me my frying pans, Red." Peach ordered. Nana nodded, then bolted from the room, and came back with the pans. She handed them to Peach, who held them tightly by her side.

Peach stomped over to the door, and opened it. She walked out, and Nana shut it with her eyes shut tight.

Outside, there was the sound of tons of clobbering, a yell, then frantic beating on the door.

Fox opened it this time, and when he did, Peach squeaked in and sat down against the door, out of sight of any windows.

"….Fox, what IS that thing?" Peach whispered to Fox, so the invisible cameras wouldn't catch it. She wasn't hurt any, but she was clearly shaken.

"…I think something's wrong with the system, then." Fox decided. "There wasn't any bear in the script!"

"…Think it's related to those sharbs Master hand told us about?" Peach asked.

"If it had red eyes, yes." Fox said.

"…Great." Peach sighed.

"What do we do?" Nana asked.

"We'll just fight it, like it's part of the show." Fox said.

"Well, Red, Mr. Wolf here says he'll help me fight that dang bear." Peach said, then she winked at Nana. "It's Quite a handful, especially for an' old lady!"

"Yeah, gimme a sec so I can get my gun." Fox said. He reached into one of his pockets and pulled out his blaster, which was converted to a normal pistol by graphics. It shot bullets at a really fast pace, though.

"Ok, if only that hunter guy was here!" Peach said.

"Hunter?" Matt asked, with his head sticking in through a window. "I'm here, if you need one!"

"Just in time!" Peach exclaimed. Then she whispered, "Matt, it's like that one Sharb: Weird."

"Oh, a nasty bear, ya say?" Matt asked. "I specialize in those! I can take care of it. Come, if you want to watch." Then he whispered, "I saw it…I think we can take it down if we all pitch in."

Matt pulled his head out of the window, then the three smashers in the house left, out of sight of any cameras.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Give it up, Master hand! I just wanna have fun!" Crazy whined.

"Think about the other people first, Crazy! What about them!?!" Master hand yelled.

They were finger-locked, both struggling against the other, but not budging either way.

"Ha…ha…HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Master hand yelled. He pushed against Crazy with all of his might, which took the hand by surprise. Crazy got off balance, and Master Hand took his chance to swat him away. He flew towards the computer to check on what was happening, but Crazy tackled him and knocked him away.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The four smashers left the house, and went into the woods a ways, before seeing a gigantic hulking black figure.

Fox stupidly stepped on a twig, and the figure whirled around surprisingly fast for its size.

It looked just like a bear, only its fur was pitch black, its eyes were bigger than normal, and glowed like red searchlights, and its claws were frighteningly long and sharp, like daggers. Its mouth was lined with razor sharp fangs, and right now, it was looking at the four heroes with a _very_ disturbing, hungry look.

"Oh…Bugger." Matt gasped.

The Bear monster roared, and shot at the fighters on all fours. The smashers screamed in surprise, and dived out of the way as the beast shot past and effortlessly bowled trees down.

"Ok, if it's going to fight like that…" Matt said, then he cracked his knuckles. "…Then we'll fight brawn with brains!"

Fox nodded, and drew his pistol. The bear swung around, and came back at them at alarming speed. Fox pumped bullets into the monster's head, then used Fox Illusion to zip out of the way of the juggernaut. Black blood poured down its face, but the holes slowly sealed up, and the monster shot at them again. This time, Matt and Fox stood side by side, shooting bullets at the monster as fast as they could. They stopped firing too late, and had to avoid the beast by jumping into the air. Its shoulders smashed into their legs, and threw them up on its back, where they grabbed its fur and climbed up to its head.

Matt pulled back his mecha arm, and focused for a sec. The hand transformed into a metal sword, and Matt sighed.

"I was going for a beam sword, but this'll do."

He rammed the sword down into the Bear's neck, which instantly froze. Matt ripped the sword free, which decapitated the bear.

Accidentally, Matt splashed a tiny bit of the blood on his shoulder above where the mecha arm was attached. He didn't really feel it, but his shoulder slowly went numb.

"Ow…I think I pulled too hard." Matt groaned while holding his shoulder. "I think I sprained my shoulder."

"Here, let me see." Peach said. Matt walked up to her and let her look at his shoulder. She looked around, but didn't see anything wrong. She took a few moments to massage his shoulder, then she dropped her hands.

"That might make it feel better." Peach said.

"Yeah, I feel it feeling better already." Matt said. "Thanks, Peach!"

"No problem." Peach said. "We should probably be getting back…We have a show to finish."

"Shoot, this better not happen again." Fox said.

"I sure hope it doesn't happen again…" Nana murmured. "…It's so scary…"

"Well, let's get back there, then." Matt said. "I still have a few acts I have to act in after this. It's going to be a long day."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Take that!" Master Hand said. He had just finished Crazy off with a super hard, fast slap, after he had slapped him a bunch of times at top speed.

Crazy now lay on the floor in a daze, and Master hand seized his chance to officially reclaim the computer.

He hovered above his swivel chair, and looked at the screen, which showed the four smashers sitting around the dinning room table, all laughing and eating, and there was a white THE END sign on screen.

"Bingo. Good job, guys." Master hand said to himself. He pressed a button that started up the next show, Jack and the Beanstalk, to be exact.

"…Guh…I'm not finished yet!" Crazy screamed.

"Ok, you've pushed my buttons long enough, but you have gone too far this time!" Master hand growled.

"Oh yeah? Well, guess what? I'm gonna _win_, this time!" Crazy said. "Magnus von Grapple 9.0! Attack!"

"W-W-What?!?!?!" Master Hand said.

Crazy flew into the air, and a glass dome formed over him. A boxy body formed underneath the cockpit, and arms and legs attached to it.

Pitifully enough, it was made of paper.

"Meet the PERFECT machine!" Crazy laughed insanely.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Ha ha! I had lots of fun doing this chapter! Tell me what ya think.**

**Last chapter wasn't really supposed to be funny…much. Oh well.**

**Ok, that's all I have to say. I'll see you as soon as possible, but don't be surprised if I don't update until Monday or so. It's a possibility.**

**Well, thanks for reading and reviewing, everybody! See ya next time!**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**


	13. Jack and the Beanstalk

**Heh heh, originally, I was going to have Nana's parka catch on fire somehow, and call the chapter Red Burning Hood, but it didn't fit in, and I just called it Red Riding Hood.**

**MH: Someday, Crazy will get what he deserves!**

**Whatever! He's the comic relief! He has to stay in! Anyways, this chapter will be full of more of what you love, and I really am going to have some spoofs in this one! So far, last chapter was by far the longest chapter in this story. We'll see if this one gets to be about as long or longer. **

**Ok, now that that's said, I think it's time to give everybody an appropriate, THANK YOU:D!**

**Let's go!**

**Oh yeah, before I forget, 'The Taming of the Shrew' will most likely be a few chapters long, just for convenience. I'd stick it all in one chapter, but that'd slow up updating, and make it hard to read. SO…I'm not gonna do that.**

**See ya at the end of the chapter!**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

"Heh heh…HA HA HA!!!" Master Hand laughed. "You call that tissue box perfect?"

"Why? What's wrong with it?" Crazy asked worriedly.

"What's wrong with it!?!?" Master Hand laughed hysterically. "It doesn't have any controls!"

"Oh, darn it! I knew something was missing!" Crazy wailed.

"Now, sit tight while I beat the crap out of you!" Master hand said.

SMASH!

POW!

BAM!

"MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The scene was hovering above a tiny house, in what suspiciously looked like the same forest as before.

It was in a small open clearing, and it had a tiny, sad little garden, and also a cow.

Inside, you could hear Zelda, with a somewhat aged voice, talking to young Link.

"…Now go an' take the cow to town an' sell it. We have no money, and we're desperately in need of money an' food." Zelda said sadly.

"We have those tough crackers!" Y. Link said. "Why can't we just eat those?"

"What, those sheet iron crackers?" Zelda gagged. "My teeth are getting fragile! Heck no! If YOU'RE content to eat them, then, help yourself!"

"Never mind."

"Now, go an' sell the poor cow, like a good boy." Zelda said. "I'm sure it'll be happier somewhere else where it'll actually get FED."

Y. Link sighed, then came into sight as he exited the house. He was wearing his usual clothing, nothing different about him.

He walked over to the cow, and none to harshly grabbed its collar and started pulling it along. Before they got to the bottom of the hill, the cow stopped walking, and it stood there lazily.

"Oh, come on!" Y. Link said exasperatedly. He walked behind it, and started pushing it, but the cow wouldn't budge.

Suddenly, the cow got the urge to sit down.

Needless to say, Y. Link was stuck there for a while.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Ha…ha…ha…" Master Hand panted.

Crazy hand lay motionless on the ground, lying inside half of the plastic dome on the ground, while everything else left of the machine was everywhere. Paper shreds, plastic shards, you name it.

"That…should teach you a lesson for now." Master hand said.

"I'm too ignorant to learn! Ha ha ha!" Crazy laughed. He got right back up, just as energetic as before!

"How can you do that?" Master hand asked weakly.

"You are messin' with the Crazy! Feel the burn, baby!" Crazy said.

"God, have mercy on me!" Master hand pleaded.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Y. Link finally got into town, towing behind him a cow with a badly slashed up butt.

Things got drastic, and Y. Link used his Kokiri sword to get free. It worked pretty well, too.

Now, the slightly squashed young hero walked into town with the beef in tow. He went from one salesperson to the next, and each time they rejected the raw beef.

So, Y. Link left town with the sad beef in tow, when he happened upon a slippery looking individual in a trench cloak.

"I can't believe I'm doing this." Felious whispered.

"It fits you." Y. Link assured him.

"Hss!" He hissed at him rather angrily, but still only so Y Link could hear.

"So, whatcha got there, kid?" He asked Y. Link.

"Huh? Me?" Y. Link asked.

"Yeah, you, kid. Who else is out here, ya dolt?"

"Hey!" Y. Link said.

"Tell ya what, green." Felious said. "I'll buy your cow."

"How much you willing to pay?" Y. Link asked. "I need a lot for it, and everybody refuses."

"A lotta money for this sad piece of beef?" Felious snorted. "This poor cow ain't worth much, but I'll take it off your hands." He drew a small pouch from his pocket, and placed it in Y. Link's hands. He opened it up, and looked inside.

"Hey! These're only beans!" Y. Link exclaimed. He looked up, but his cow and the man were already gone.

"…Momma's gonna kill me." Y. Link whispered.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"I'm gonna kill you!" Zelda screeched.

She throttled the poor young lad, who knew this was going to happen the moment he obtained the beans.

"Beans!?!?!? BEANS!?!?!? Of all the things, BEANS!!!!!!!!!!!" Zelda ranted. She stomped over to the cupboard, and threw it open. In plain sight were towers of cans…of beans.

"Doesn't it look like we have enough beans!?!?!?" Zelda screamed. "Even worse, the beans you got are USELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Y. Link, or jack in this story, cringed as the wave of high pitched sound blasted into him like a cannonball.

"LOOK AT THEM!!!!!!!!!" She screamed even louder as she thrust the beans into his face. He crossed his eyes, to focus on the beans that threatened to go up his nostrils. They were originally a bright red, but now they were tinged green, and were furry. Y. Link's nose protested, but he could do nothing as Zelda threatened to clog his sinuses.

"Useless, ya can't eat them, and even if they were ok, I STILL wouldn't be caught dead eating them! This, is _trash._"

With a smooth movement, she flung the window open, and tossed the beans out of the window. She slammed the window closed, then walked into the kitchen.

Y. Link pondered what she could be doing, when she walked out with a formidable broom in her hands.

"Now, to get on with what I promised you." She said simply.

Y. Link didn't even wait to find out what she meant: He knew it wasn't good.

He bolted out the door as the broom flew after him, then turned sharply left. The broom hurtled out the door, and stuck in the ground, quivering like a lethal javelin that missed its target. Y. Link continued running, and was about halfway behind the house, when Zelda exited the house, armed to the teeth with an assortment of lethal kitchenware.

Oblivious to his surroundings, Y. Link didn't notice a gigantic beanstalk in his panic. He plowed right into it, and fell back on his rear while rubbing his head ruefully.

"…Huh? Where did this come from?" He wondered out loud. He quickly made up his mind what he was going to do next, when Zelda roared in anger, not unlike an unhappy lioness who lost her prey.

Y. Link hid on the other side of the plant, and scurried up the long trunk while his evil mom searched for him below.

All he was focused on now, was the clouds at the top of the beanstalk.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"I-Impossible…" Master Hand stuttered feebly. He fluttered to the ground, like a butterfly that lost the spirit to fly.

"YOU…Can't defeat me!!!!" Crazy laughed manically.

"N-no…Can't…Let you…win…" Master hand whispered weakly.

"I have earned the right to the throne of superness!" Crazy cried. "I shall create my OWN world, where I reign, and people play by my rules!"

"Madness!" Master hand wailed.

"Now, to go and ruin a play!" Crazy laughed gleefully. "Oh, yeah, don't get any ideas, Master Hand. I'm just gonna play around with a few computer created characters!"

"You think it's just a video game!?!?!?" Master hand yelled.

"Sure! Why not?" Crazy asked.

"…"

"What?"

"AFTER the plays, not during them!" Master hand yelled. He seemed to find his energy again, and the two hands spiraled around each other.

"C'mon!" Crazy whined.

"No!"

"Then….WE DUEL!" Crazy screamed.

"…Just kill me now…please." Master hand whispered fervently.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ness was wandering the hallways of the mansion, just looking around.

He wasn't the least bit interested in the plays, and he had free reign of the mansion, so he was just taking a walk for the heck of it. He felt the need to refocus his mind, anyways.

He was walking down the hallway, when he passed an old door with an old, tarnished, unreadable name plague on it.

_Ya know, I've never been in there before. Master hand won't mind._ Ness thought.

He carefully walked up to it, then pushed the creaky door open. The door squeaked slowly as he pushed it open, and he laid his eyes on the dark room ahead.

_It's that one boarded up room!_ Ness exclaimed mentally. He stepped into the room and closed the door, which made it dark once again. The windows on the opposite wall were boarded up, on the inside and the outside, and a crack of light shone through one of the rotted boards.

Ness tread upon the dusty floor lightly: It looked like he was the first to dare to walk in here for a long time. Only, he thought that before he looked at the ground. There were dusty boot prints on the floor, among the old wooden furniture scattered about in what used to be an attractive arrangement. He walked across the soft carpet, sending up tiny clouds of dust with each step.

He followed the footsteps to an old desk, which had a few drawers. One of the drawers was less dusty than the others, so he tried opening it up.

He felt the cold metal ring attached to the drawer, then pulled. It didn't budge. Ness sighed exasperatedly, then looked inside the drawer with his mind, and found the little lock that was between him, and what he felt to be important.

The lock snapped like a twig, then the young psychic pulled the drawer open. All that was inside was an old, tattered black diary.

"Huh?" Ness said. He carefully grasped the book, and sat down on a nearby chair to start reading it.

He had a hard time reading the writing, it was so fine, and curved. It was pretty writing, to be certain.

He was so absorbed in his reading, he didn't notice the black figure melting out of the darkness behind his back.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Heh…heh…heh…heh…" Y. Link panted. He scrambled up the beanstalk, which seemed to extend into infinity.

He was thinking about just dropping off, ending his misery, when he popped through the clouds.

He let go to fall to his premature death, when he fell on the clouds with a thump. He opened his eyes, and looked around.

"Dang, I went to heaven fast!" He exclaimed. In the distance, there was a huge stone castle, which looked inviting.

He ran towards it for all he was worth, and in about a minute, he stood before the giant gates, out of breath. He was wondering how he was going to get in, when the drawbridge fell on top of him.

"Fe…Fi…Fo…HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Bowser roared. "I smell the scent of…BEANS!?!?!"

Y. Link was flattened below the door, and was spared the choice of answering.

"…Grrr….I hate beans." Bowser said. "I thought I heard some kid running. Oh well." He walked his giant body back into the huge castle, and made the drawbridge go up. Y. link clung to the gate as it slowly went up, then climbed to the top of it and watched as Giant Bowser walked out of sight. He swung his legs over the other side, and crawled down as carefully as he could. When he was down far enough, he dropped to the floor.

He took a quick look around, and nearly jumped out of his skin when the floor rumbled beneath his feet. He danced on his toes in his fright, while he looked about for a hiding place. He saw a clothes chute, and dived down it just as Bowser reappeared.

"Ok, I'm SURE I smelt something other than beans that time!" Bowser growled.

Down in the chute, Y. Link shot down it for a bit, then fell through an open space. He landed in a soft pile of clothes, but it was pitch black, and he couldn't see a thing.

Until there was a golden flash of light.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Crazy Hand and Master Hand flew around each other at super speed, while taking swings, slaps, pokes, anything, at each other while passing by.

They spun around each other for a moment, without attacking, and then they both curled into fists and hurtled at each other. They collided in a giant explosion, and amidst the smoke and flames, the grappled with each other.

They bashed around the auditorium, smashing into walls, breaking chairs, and every once in a while, the lights on the ceiling.

The two finally pinned each other to the ground, in the middle of the room, and they thrashed about wildly, damaging the floor even more.

"Give up!" Crazy demanded.

"Never!" Master Hand declared.

They tussled for a bit more, then Crazy flicked Master hand off. Master Hand flew through the air, and came to a rest on a pile of destroyed chairs, unmoving.

"Ha ha! I am VICTORIOUS!" Crazy screamed insanely, while the background caught aflame.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ness sat still in his chair, speed reading through the book, when he suddenly sensed the being behind him.

A split second later, he was on the floor, and gigantic spikes erupted from all over the chair, while turning pitch black. Ness had avoided the spikes, and only just in time!

"What the fudge!?!?" Ness yelped in fright. He watched as the chair turned black, and the spikes grow. The buttons on the chair split in half, revealing red orbs of light, which were eyes.

"It's one of those…Things!" Ness screamed.

The chair hopped at him, and attempted to jump on top of him, but he threw it against the wall with telekinesis. He chair's spikes got stuck in the wall, hanging it up like a picture.

Ness shot a bolt of lightning at it from his fingers, and it instantly burst into flames. He froze the wall around it with PK Freeze to prevent the fire from spreading, and watched as it slowly burned away.

Suddenly, the demon exploded, and showered the room in a thin film of black ooze. Ness screamed in agony as it sprayed his body, and he fell on his back, writhing, as the ooze seeped into his body.

His breathing grew faster, and he slowly went numb as a deathly chill spread throughout his body, making him incapable of movement.

His thoughts started to become foggy, and his eyelids grew heavy. His mind was spinning around the cryptic words in the book, when his head rolled to the side as his eyes closed.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

When Y. Link opened his eyes after the flash, he could see a glowing silhouette.

Looking upon it, he noticed it was mouse shaped. He climbed out of the basket, and through the piles of junk around him. Upon closer inspection, it was a golden Pichu!

"Pichu!" Pichu squealed, making more golden light.

"Wow…" Y. Link said.

The two looked at each other, when Pichu grunted. There was a clang, and another glow appeared, a Golden egg!?!?

"…I didn't know you could lay eggs!" Y. Link whispered.

"Pichu…" Pichu muttered nervously while fiddling with her tail.

"Wow, a golden Pichu!" Y. Link said, as his lines called for. "I better take this back to mom! We'll be rich!"

He picked Pichu up, who had certainly gained a bunch of weight, since she was made of living gold. He was about to walk out of the room, when the ground started shaking again. He scampered behind a tower of junk, and Bowser reappeared once again.

"I KNOW you're in here, ya varmint! As much as I dislike Bean-eaters, I'm hungry, and could care less!" Bowser roared.

"Bugger…" Y. Link muttered. "How am I gonna escape now?"

"I'm going to sit here ALL night, watching this room if I have to!" Bowser said.

"Huh…" Y. Link said. He looked about desperately, and then spotted an odd instrument. An idea popped into his head, and he walked over to it quietly and started playing it. It sounded beautiful and angelic, and before long, he could hear Bowser snoring.

"That was toooooo easy!" Y. Link said. He grabbed the instrument, and hefted Pichu under one arm, and snuck past Bowser on the stairs. When he was up the staircase all the way, Pichu laid another egg, which bounced down the stairs.

"_NOO!!"_" Y. Link screamed.

The egg bounced right off Bowser's head, but by a miracle, he stayed asleep.

"Whew…" Y. Link sighed. No sooner than he sighed, the egg exploded with a bang like a cannon. Bowser screamed in surprise, but the yell was quickly turned to a roar of fury.

Y. Link fled for his life, to the gate. He threw Pichu at the release button, and caught her. The release button caused the gate to open, and he dashed out, with Bowser on his heels.

"Git back here, ya brat!" Bowser yelled. "I just wanna share dinner with you! Come back!"

"I think you mean you want to EAT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Y. Link screamed. He ran into the beanstalk, and fell through the clouds around it. Bowser jumped on the stalk, and hastily climbed down after him.

Y. Link finally caught hold of one of the many leaves, and hopped down them like a giant staircase, while Bowser followed after him.

When he got to the bottom, he looked about for an axe, then he remembered his sword!

He pulled it out, then realized he possessed the most pitiful weapon in existence. He hacked away at the plant, not even putting a scratch in it, when Bowser lost his grip and hurtled towards the ground like a doomsday meteor!

He landed on top of Y. Link with an earth shattering boom, and the scene was quiet for a looooooooong time…

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Crazy Hand tittered madly while spinning about the room in what he thought was an epic victory dance.

He floated back over to the computer when he was finished, but before he knew it, he was thwarted again.

"Super Fist of Mastery: Master Shield!" Master Hand cried.

There was a huge explosion that blew Crazy back, and a dome of blue lightning formed around the computer, blocking Crazy from the computer by a veil of blue energy.

He whirled on Master Hand, who was getting back up. Around his body was a similar aura, only it fit close about his body in a mantle of lightning.

"Now…we're getting serious." Master Hand stated calmly.

"I LOOOOOOOVE it this way!" Crazy cheered.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"…Ugh…" Ness moaned. He opened his eyes, and sat up.

He looked about the room, expecting to see black goop everywhere, but everything was the same way as before, even the chair. The only difference, was that he was lying on the floor, with the book beside him.

_Those stained by the blood of darkness_ rolled through Ness' mind as he looked about the room. _…are destined to fight against the darkest of darkness. Only their inner light stands between them and utter destruction. It is a curse, and yet, a blessing, for those to find, and to discover._

"_What does it mean?_" Ness wondered. He picked the book up, and looked at its cover, which was as blank as his mind was at the moment. He turned it over, and still nothing.

Since there was nothing left to do in the room, Ness walked out with the book in his hand, and went back to his room to ponder what he had found.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Later, Y. Link, Zelda, and Bowser were sitting around a table in the castle, eating dinner happily. They were enjoying Golden Pichu Egg soup, which made ya feel like a million bucks after eating it.

Zelda and Y. Link agreed to live at the castle, and at last, Bowser was no longer lonely. Pichu danced about the table while humming to a song that the magic instrument played, and the three lived happily ever after, with the mouse as a pet.

THE END

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Super Fist of Mastery: Master Punch!"

"Super Fist of the Crazy: Crazy spin!"

Master Hand curled into a fist, and flashed with a light of omnipotence, while Crazy held his finger out.

Master Hand hurtled at Crazy so fast, he created a sonic boom, and smashed into Crazy's finger, which bent backwards disgustingly. Crazy took massive damage, but the deed had been done: Master Hand touched his finger.

He spun about the room, a whirl of white. He was unstoppable, spinning at Crazy's mercy, which he didn't have any at the moment.

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese…………………..stoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooop!!!!" Master hand yelled.

"NOO! BWA HA HA HA!!!" Crazy laughed evilly.

"Super Fist of Mastery: Master Clockwork!" Master Hand cried. A gigantic clockwork made of light appeared, and as it ran, it started to slow down. Everything stopped moving, and Master Hand stopped spinning. He flew at Crazy Hand, who was immobilized by the frozen time.

He charged up a huge amount of energy, then he shot it at Crazy. It froze in front of him in the form of a ball of light.

"Super Fist of Mastery: Time Rend!" Master Hand cried. Time instantly started again, and Crazy was caught in a horrifyingly huge explosion. He screamed in a high pitched voice, and when the smoke cleared, he lay on the floor spazzing, like he always does when he's KO'd.

"Gosh…I haven't had to fight that hard in five thousand years!" Master hand exclaimed. "At least he's sleeping now."

Indeed, Crazy was on the floor, muttering something about fishes, when Master hand floated over to the computer and deactivated the barrier.

He looked at the screen, and saw the "The End", which was good enough for him. He hit the reset button, and started up the next tale, Hansel and Gretel.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**I had lots of fun writing this chapter! Hopefully, you all enjoyed it immensely!**

**I'm short on words today, but I think it's safe to say my slow updating period is over, for the most part.**

**This story is slowly coming to a close, everybody! Next one will start, in MAYBE up to two weeks, but, keep in mind I ain't promising this!**

**Now…Thank you all for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it, and I ask for your continued support!**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**

**(I didn't come up with everything in this chapter, ya know. I don't know much about the show I'm about to mention…dang, I can't remember exactly how it goes, but it's something like Bobo Bo Bobobo.**

**Anyways, they have powers that depend of stuff they value. Um…Just read Game-Tycoon's story, SSBB: The Adventures of Six, I think it's called. He has a really good series going, and I suggest ya check it out!**

**Now, over and out!)**


	14. Hansel and Gretel

**MH:…Well, I can look forwards to at least one thing! Crazy crashed and burned last chapter.**

**Yeah, he was KO'd pretty badly. This time, he won't be getting up anytime soon…Hopefully!**

**MH: Rest assured, there shall be more fighting, but only during the last few chapters or so!**

**Now that that's all said, let's start!**

**Thank you all that reviewed! Thanks mucho!**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Master hand had no time to react.

In a matter of milliseconds, his insane brother was upon him like a mob of kitties after the mother lode of catnip.

"Super Fist of the Crazy: UNSTOPPABLE!!!!!!!!!" Crazy screamed in an amplified voice. His body lit up with a golden aura, and while under the influence of the move, he bashed Master Hand over every single square inch of the room, swinging him about like a rag doll.

After a minute of merciless bashing, Master Hand was more unconscious than a vegetable person in a coma.

"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" Crazy laughed triumphantly. "I……………HAVE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!"

Without wasting any time, Crazy set himself up in the computer chair, and while the channel was showing commercials, he did his dark deed.

"He he he…Let's see…" Crazy said. He opened up a few windows, then opened a program called Character Reconfiguration.

He laughed insanely, then he opened up windows with three-dimensional pictures of Popo and Nana, in suspended cyberspace. He clicked on the stretch tool, and stretched their faces to the sides, as to make them super chubby looking, then he increased their mass body index…

The Ice Climbers expanded inside their clothes like balloons, and when he was done, they were a good couple hundred pounds heavier. Of course, their clothes stretched to accommodate their super fatness, but now they looked like they belonged in a parade at the end of a string or two!

"HA HA HAAAA!!!!!!!!" Crazy laughed. "I love it when I'm evil! Now, to do Ganondork!"

He saved the changes he made to Nana and Popo, then he opened up a window with Ganon inside.

Unfortunately for him, he was going to hate life, Ganon, I mean.

Crazy shrank Ganon's muscles and made him look thin and reedy, then he swapped his gender over to Female. Now Ganon looked like his Gerudo counterparts, only taller and more imposing.

"Now, for the final…touch!" Crazy said. He used the wii mote to put lipstick on Ganon's lips, then he renamed him Gannonette.

"Eww, that name sucks, now that I think about it, but hey! It suits him fine!" Crazy decided. He hit the save button, just in time for the show to start. He hit the play button, and watched his evil unfold before him like a picnic of deliciousness.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The opening scene, unsurprisingly enough, was the cottage Red Riding Hood lived in two chapters ago.

Inside, there was a huge commotion going on. Suddenly, the front door slammed open, and the two super tubby ice climbers were thrown out. Two wire frames, a Male and a Female, stood in the doorway. Due to a hologram, they had faces and clothing, and their looks hinted at a Swedish heritage.

"Go, an' neva come back!" The male frame cried. "You are no longer wanted here, ya eat me 'ouse out, day and night! What do me 'an my 'ard working wife get? Nothing!"

"J-Just, go away!" The female frame sobbed.

Popo would have replied, but his super fatness face was stretched taut. Inside his mouth was a watermelon, incriminating evidence of his hunger.

Nana couldn't reply either, because her face was just too fat.

As a last ditch attempt to get the super fatness kids away, the daddy frame grabbed a hot dog and stuck it on an arrow, and shot it into the forest. The two tubbies chased after it, with their Snorlax sized stomachs doing all the thinking for them.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ness had to find somebody, quick.

He had the book under his arm, and he ran through the hallways pointlessly, in search of somebody, ANYBODY, that he could put his trust in.

He was hanging his head in his mad dash, and he didn't see Matt in front of him.

He bowled right into the fighter, and the two rolled down the hallway a tiny bit before coming to a rest.

"Dang, Ness!" Matt yelped. "You almost popped my mecha arm off, you tackled me so hard! You playing football or something?"

"…" Ness stayed silent, thinking about what he was going to say. Then he remembered that Matt was a genius!

_He'll understand me, WHATEVER I'm saying._ Ness thought.

"Hey, Matt? I went in this boarded up room, and looked around, and I found…" Ness said, then he pulled the book from under his arm. "…This."

Matt's eyebrows furrowed in thought, and he gently took the book from Ness, and opened it up.

"While I was reading it, some black thing oozed out of the room and possessed the chair I was sitting in." Ness explained while Matt nodded and leafed through the book. "I beat it, and it exploded and covered me in this nasty black ooze. I fainted, and when I came to, I was on the floor, but everything was the same as before, only I was on the floor!"

"…" Matt closed the book, and looked at Ness with a worried expression.

"…What?" Ness asked nervously. "Did I say something?"

"…You said this…thing was black?" Matt asked.

"Yeah!"

Matt flipped the book over in his hands, and looked at it in a pensive manner, before replying, "…While I was acting in Red Riding Hood, we were attacked by a strange black bear with crimson glowing eyes."

"…What!?!?" Ness shouted. "The chair had red eyes too!"

"Then there was that beast in the garden." Matt said. "It was called a 'Sharb', if I remember correctly."

"Think they're related? It sure seems like it…" Ness said.

"…This is _really_ worrying me." Matt said. "I feel something's up. Some of the others have been feeling strange presences, then these things start appearing."

"But, back in the room I was in, it was like a dream…" Ness said. "I can't tell if it happened or not!"

"Ok, Ness, stick with me." Matt said. "I'm not scheduled to appear in the auditorium until the last play is up. I think we should inspect this book: I have a feeling we may find something."

Just then, there was a blood-curdling scream down the hall.

Without even saying anything, Matt activated his arm cannon, and bolted down the hall, with Ness on his heels.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

While following the scent of the hot dog, the fatties Hansel and Gretel came upon a house, from which came the scent of…

"Caaaaaaandy!?!?!?" Both Popo and Nana cried in deep blubbery voices. They ran towards the house, but since it was at the bottom of a hill, they lost their footing, and rolled downhill.

They slammed into the door harder than a stampede of elephants, but somehow the door didn't break.

The door opened, and a positively livid 'Gannonette' appeared. Her face softened at the sight of the tubbies. (Why? You know.)

"Oh _Dear!"_ Ganon wailed. "You two look simply STARVING."

The tubbies nodded.

"Now, now. That won't do at all! Come in, and have a bite or so!"

They walked right in, without giving it a second thought, because stomachs are stupid, and you should never let it do your thinking for you. Therefore, they didn't suspect a thing.

After they stepped in, Ganon looked about evilly, then closed the door. He then boarded it all the way up, and attached a bunch of locks to it, making it impossible to escape.

He walked into the main room, which had a cozy fireplace burning, and a table full of food that the piggies were porking out on.

"Help yourselves!" Ganon said needlessly, while he went to fetch the biggest cauldron he had. Not suspecting a thing, the Ice Climbers continued eating while Ganon dragged into the room a gigantic iron cauldron. He put it on the fire and threw a couple more logs on, then he got some water and put it in.

In a feat of strength that would put Arnold Schwarzenegger to shame, Ganon hefted Popo right out of his chair, and threw him into the cauldron.

Comprehension dawned on Nana's piggy little eyes, and with a disgusting, blubbering yell, she bolted from the room at what she thought was super fast.

Unfortunately for her, her super fatness was making her go at a snail's pace. Ganon picked her up too, and threw her into the oven while cackling evilly, then he shut the door and cranked up the heat as high as it would go.

He sat down at the table, and started setting up the table cloth and dishes. He was going to have a FEAST tonight!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Matt kicked the door down with a mighty jab, then he saw Luigi cowering in the left corner of the room, with a Sharb bearing down on him.

The Sharb in question had its claws drawn, and was about to pounce on Luigi, when Matt shot a net over it that tightened. The Sharb lay on the floor, twisted into a ball by the net. It growled while making another sound like little metal balls hitting each other in its throat.

"Something tells me it's mad!" Ness yelped.

The Sharb opened its mouth wide and screamed in a high pitched voice, like a Banshee, then it tore the nets to shreds in unbelievable speed. It lunged at Matt, but then it exploded in a gooey mess. Everybody shouted in extreme displeasure, but Luigi's scream of fright quickly turned to one of pain. He slumped to the floor, holding his chest which was spattered in the ooze. Green flames lingered around his right hand, a sign he had thrown the fireball vanquishing the Sharb.

Matt and Ness, for some reason, were unaffected by the ooze.

"Luigi, hang in there!" Matt said.

"…C-cold…" Luigi gasped. Matt and Ness watched in surprise as condensed water floated out of Luigi's mouth like fog. Luigi's eyes rolled back into his head, and he collapsed on the floor in a dead faint. Matt quickly picked him up, but to the touch, Luigi felt like ice.

"How many more of us are going to be attacked like this…?" Matt sighed.

Ness hung his head sadly. Luigi still had a pulse and everything, but he was ice cold. Other than that, everything about him was fine.

"It's so weird." Ness said. "What the flippin' fudge is going on?!?"

There was the sound of running footsteps, and Fox appeared in the doorway.

"…Huh!?!?" Fox said.

"What?" Ness asked.

"I could have SWORN I heard Luigi screaming a moment ago." Fox said.

"He was attacked." Matt said. "It's another one of those clawed Sharbs."

"…Where is it?" Fox asked.

"It exploded, and everything left of it vanished." Matt explained.

"I've never heard of anything like that before." Fox said.

"Welcome to the life of a smasher." Matt joked. "…Anyways, the goo got everywhere, and it made Luigi faint."

"What about you two."

"…Ness was just attacked a while ago, and earlier, remember that bear we fought, Fox? some of the goo got on my shoulder, just where my Mecha arm connects to my body."

"Now that you mention it…" Fox said. "Some of the goo from that bear got on my arm." Fox rolled up his sleeve, and showed his arm, which was really pale, like he had been inside a cave for a long time.

Matt set Luigi down, then looked at his own shoulder. His skin was papery white under his shirt.

"Ok, something really wrong is going on." Matt said.

"I thought we already decided that!" Ness shouted.

Ignoring Ness, Matt pulled out the black book. "Ness, before he was attacked, he found this."

"Looks like a diary to me. A man's diary." Fox decided as he looked over it.

"I thought as much."

"…I have a feeling it's not related to the attacks, but that it'll help shed some light." Ness said. "It has this weird set of lines in it, like a prophecy."

"Let's hear it, then." Matt said.

_"Those stained by the blood of darkness_ _are destined to fight against the darkest of darkness. Only their inner light stands between them and utter destruction. It is a curse, and yet, a blessing, for those to find, and to discover." _Ness repeated.

"…So w-we're…cursed?"

Matt looked at Luigi, who's eyes fluttered feebly.

"I should hope not!" Matt said. Luigi smiled, but kept his eyes closed.

"W-what happened?" Luigi asked. "It's…like a dream."

"You were attacked." Ness stated, blunter than a butter knife.

"…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Luigi sprung from Matt's arms, and shot out of the room screaming louder than anybody knew he could.

"Well, he handled that well." Fox sighed.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ganon was sitting still, at the table, when the cauldron containing Popo toppled over. Ganon screamed like a girl, seeing as he WAS one now.

Boiling water flowed across the floor, and before it reached Ganon, he was already standing on the table. Popo popped out of the cauldron, looking like a lobster he was so red. He was, however, unaffected by the boiling water: it only made him warm.

Popo tackled Ganon, and just like that, Ganon was defeated. Popo got up and freed his super fatness sister from the oven, then they left the house, and Ganon'ette' behind.

In the house, Ganon gasped for breath, since every particle of air was squished out of him/her when Popo tackled him/her.

The fatties eventually lost weight, and were able to return home, where everybody, some grudgingly, lived happily ever after.

THE END

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"That sucked, major big time!!!" Crazy screamed. "AWFUL! MY EYES! BUUUUUUUURNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He reset everybody back to their normal body size, and other stuff, but forgot to fix Popo's and Nana's diabetic problems related to expanding their girth. He left Ganon as he/she was, since he had to be a witch in the next show too.

Crazy messed with Peach's hair, making it grow a hundred times faster than normal, but he left Enrique as he was.

"…HA HA HA!!!!!!!" Crazy screamed evilly. He also made Peach super thin. "I'm so going to love this!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**One more normal fairy tale play, then we can get to the big play! **

**Enough of me making promises. I'm just going to DO this!**

**MH: Yesh, while you sit here, lording over it all, I'm getting beaten senseless by my own nutty brother, who's nuttier than squirrel poo!**

**Oh, yeah. I don't own the saying I just used, but it's so FREAKING funny! Anyways, another update today is a good possibility, so stay tuned in!**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**


	15. Rapunzel

**It's getting there, peeps. We're almost through! one more week, or it's my neck!**

**I'll just get by with some quick thanks, then we're off!**

**Thank you everybody!**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

The story opens up today, outside a giant tower in the middle of Same forest, which is a sucky name, but who cares?

In this tower of prettiness, there was a princess of beauty, so beautiful, anybody that looked at her passed out and drooled on the floor.

Her name, was Rapunzel (peach).

ONE DAY!!!!

Ganon flew in on his broomstick, cackling like an evil hag, which unfortunately for him, he WAS!

"EEWWW!!" He/she screamed in a high pitched voice. "You're toooooooo pretty!" He waved his hands about, and said, "Hocus POKUS!!"

He poked Peach super hard, then laughed meanly.

"Ok, wrong spell! HOCUS GROCUS!"

He waved his hands about, and Peach's hair started growing super long. It only made her prettier!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! WRONG SPELL!" Ganon shrieked. "HOCUS FOCUS!"

Peach started wearing glasses.

"You look ugly, but not ugly enough!" Ganon said thoughtfully. "HOCUS YOKUS!"

Two wooden boards appeared, with two small dents near the ends, and two big dents in the middle. They clapped over her head and arms, and locked tight.

"No, no…Too medieval!" Ganon sighed. "HOCUS POCUS!"

Peach got super skinny, and super thin. She probably weighed only seventy pounds.

"YES!" Ganon cried. "I finally got it right! Now, you shall live in this tower, forever! You will stay ugly, and with long hair for the rest of your life!"

With that said, Ganon blew the townspeople backwards and into the forest with a huge shockwave, then he blew up the rest of the castle until there was only one tower left. He stretched it waaaaaaaay into the sky with magic and sealed up all the holes, then he grabbed Peach's hair and flew into the one window, before pulling her in by her hair.

"Ha ha ha! See ya later, sucker!" Ganon laughed uproariously, before flying away.

Peach, who was still stunned by the super quick events, suddenly caught up with her emotions, and fell to the floor sobbing, broken hearted. Ganon had everything taken away from her, even her good eyesight!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Peach screamed to the heavens.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Enrique, the Nameless prince, one day found himself walking through the forest, for the heck of it.

He hadn't been walking long, when bunches of screaming peasants ran past him. He ran towards where they were running from, and he saw a big, crazy crooked tower. He watched as a witch flew out the upper window.

He ran to the bottom of the tower, when he heard a despairing cry of, "WHYYYYYY!?!?!?"

"Hallo, up there!" He called. He saw Peach's head pop out of the window hopefully, and then she started talking, but he couldn't hear her.

"Speak louder!" he called out.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"I can't hear you!" Peach said.

Jabbering.

"I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Peach yelled.

Jabbering.

Peach sighed exasperatedly, and walked back into the tower and grabbed a piece of paper. She wrote a note on it, and tied it to the end of her hair.

She walked over to the window, then threw her hair out, and let it trail to the ground.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Enrique watched as Peach's hair fell out the window, then he narrowly avoided it as the great coil of blond slammed into the ground where he had been standing. He dug through the pile of hair, and at the bottom, he found the note.

"Come on up, already. I can't hear you!

Signed, Rapunzel."

"Good enough for me!" Enrique said. He started climbing up Peach's hair.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Peach held the window sill, but the moment Enrique pulled on her hair, she lost her balance and fell from the window.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

All Enrique knew, was, he was going up, then he started going down. He landed on the ground roughly, and he looked up. He instantly regretted it, because Peach fell on top of him.

"Was there…something you wanted to say?" Enrique gasped.

"Yes!" Peach said. "But you did it already."

"Did WHAT?"

"Rescued me, of course!"

"What was wrong with being up there? Isn't that your room?"

"Some STUUUUPID witch came, made me ugly, then imprisoned me in my own tower! FOR NO REASON!"

"That IS stupid!"

"Yeah, I hope she comes back…" Peach growled.

"Who wants me?" Ganon cackled, flying in on his/her broom like a bat.

"ME!" Peach yelled. She drew her frying pan, and before he/she could react, Peach smashed her pan into Ganon's face, which made it fly away into the sky before it turned into a star.

Peach and Enrique fake married, and lived happily ever after.

THE END

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The show ended, and Crazy was so bored, he was in his chair sleeping, and sucking his thumb. (How? Hand Family secret!)

He woke up with a start, then pressed the ALL COME button on the keyboard. Throughout the mansion, bells rang, which told everybody to come to the auditorium.

In a minute, everybody was inside.

"Why's Master hand sleeping on the floor?" Yoshi asked.

"He's tired." Crazy said. "I'm just taking over for him, is all."

"Ok, then…"

They all sat down, and Crazy started up the portals. Once they formed, everybody acting in The Taming of the Shrew stepped in, and vanished. The remaining smashers sat down in the auditorium as the plasma screen came down.

Crazy quickly distributed popcorn, then started up the show as the commercials ended.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**I wasn't in the mood to draw this one out, if you get what I mean.**

**Oh yeah, forget what I said about taking a week. I can do it in three days, if not today and tomorrow.**

**I'm getting' pretty itchy to start part two, and luck and skill are on my side!**

**If you DON'T trust me…TOOOOOOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!**

**Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some wild updating to do:D**

**With that said, Adieu, and Review!**

**-Shining Riku-**


	16. TTOST: Introduction

**Ok, since I'll be speed updating, there shall be NO NOTES, until the last chapter!**

**So, I'll see you all then…HOPEFULLY!**

**Wish me luck! **

**-Shining Riku-**

**Let me warn you, this is in old English. Good luck reading it. :( **

**You've been warned.**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Up on the screen, scrolled a list of people, and who they were playing. Crazy yawned as it passed before his eyes. He hated plays, but for some reason, he was too tired to care.

Solid Snake-Christopher Sly - Tinker

Lyon-Bartholomew - A Page

Dr. Mario-Baptista Minola - Father of Kate and Bianca

C. Falcon-Vincentio - Father of Lucentio

Samus Aran-Katherine (Kate) - The "shrew" of the title

Ganon-Petruchio - Suitor and husband of Kate

Peach-Bianca - Sister of Kate; the ingenue

Mario-Lucentio - Suitor of Bianca (later disguised as the teacher Cambio)

Waluigi-Gremio - Elderly Suitor of Bianca

Wario-Hortensio - Suitor of Bianca (later disguised as the teacher Litio)

Nameless wireframe-A Pedant (later impersonates Vicentio)

Luigi-Tranio - Servant of Lucentio (later impersonates Lucentio)

Felious-Biondello - Servant of Lucentio

Marth-Grumio - Servant of Petruchio

Roy-Curtis - Servant of Petruchio

Paul-Nathaniel - Servant of Petruchio

Link-Joseph - Servant of Petruchio

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SCENE I. Before an alehouse on a heath.

Inside an old hotel, in the dinning area, sat Snake, wrapped in beggar's clothing. He was being pestered by a female frame disguised as a hostess.

"I'll pheeze you, in faith." Snake grunted, before taking a swing from a glass and tossing it across the room.

"A pair of stocks, you rogue!" The hostess demanded.

"Ye are a baggage: the Slys are no rogues; look in  
the chronicles; we came in with Richard Conqueror.  
Therefore paucas pallabris; let the world slide: sessa!" Snake said, before grabbing another glass and sucking it dry.

"You will not pay for the glasses you have burst?" the hostess asked angrily.

"No, not a denier." Snake said. "Go by, Jeronimy: go to thy cold  
bed, and warm thee."

"I know my remedy; I must go fetch the  
third--borough." The hostess said. She aimed her nose at the sky, and walked out the front door in a huff.

"Third, or fourth, or fifth borough, I'll answer him  
by law: I'll not budge an inch, boy: let him come,  
and kindly." Snake said to the empty space, before leaning back in his chair and closing his eyes. In a matter of moments, he was asleep.

There was the sound of horns, and after a bit, Matt dressed in lordly clothing came in, followed by two frames in hunting clothing.

"Huntsman, I charge thee, tender well my hounds:  
Brach Merriman, the poor cur is emboss'd;  
And couple Clowder with the deep--mouth'd brach.  
Saw'st thou not, boy, how Silver made it good  
At the hedge-corner, in the coldest fault?  
I would not lose the dog for twenty pound." Matt said.

"Why, Belman is as good as he, my lord;  
He cried upon it at the merest loss  
And twice to-day pick'd out the dullest scent:  
Trust me, I take him for the better dog." The first frame said.

"Thou art a fool: if Echo were as fleet,  
I would esteem him worth a dozen such.  
But sup them well and look unto them all:  
To-morrow I intend to hunt again." Matt said.

"I will, my lord." the frame replied.

Matt looked around the empty room, then noticed the silent, still form of Snake.  
"What's here? one dead, or drunk? See, doth he breathe?"

"He breathes, my lord. Were he not warm'd with ale,  
This were a bed but cold to sleep so soundly." the other huntsman said.

"O monstrous beast! how like a swine he lies!  
Grim death, how foul and loathsome is thine image!  
Sirs, I will practise on this drunken man.  
What think you, if he were convey'd to bed,  
Wrapp'd in sweet clothes, rings put upon his fingers,  
A most delicious banquet by his bed,  
And brave attendants near him when he wakes,  
Would not the beggar then forget himself?" Matt sighed.

"Believe me, lord, I think he cannot choose." the first frame said.

"It would seem strange unto him when he waked." the second frame said.

"Even as a flattering dream or worthless fancy.  
Then take him up and manage well the jest:  
Carry him gently to my fairest chamber  
And hang it round with all my wanton pictures:  
Balm his foul head in warm distilled waters  
And burn sweet wood to make the lodging sweet:  
Procure me music ready when he wakes,  
To make a dulcet and a heavenly sound;  
And if he chance to speak, be ready straight  
And with a low submissive reverence  
Say 'What is it your honour will command?'  
Let one attend him with a silver basin  
Full of rose-water and bestrew'd with flowers,  
Another bear the ewer, the third a diaper,  
And say 'Will't please your lordship cool your hands?'  
Some one be ready with a costly suit  
And ask him what apparel he will wear;  
Another tell him of his hounds and horse,  
And that his lady mourns at his disease:  
Persuade him that he hath been lunatic;  
And when he says he is, say that he dreams,  
For he is nothing but a mighty lord.  
This do and do it kindly, gentle sirs:  
It will be pastime passing excellent,  
If it be husbanded with modesty." Matt said.

"My lord, I warrant you we will play our part,  
As he shall think by our true diligence  
He is no less than what we say he is." the first frame said.

"Take him up gently and to bed with him;  
And each one to his office when he wakes." Matt said.

The frames carried Snake upstairs, and down a hallway out of sight. After they disappeared, a trumpet sounded.

"Sirrah, go see what trumpet 'tis that sounds:" Matt said.

A frame servant nearby nodded silently, and walked out.

"Belike, some noble gentleman that means,  
Travelling some journey, to repose him here." Matt said.

The servant reappeared.

"How now! who is it?" Matt exclaimed.

"An't please your honour, players  
That offer service to your lordship." The servant replied.

"Bid them come near." Matt ordered.

The servant leaned out the door and whistled sharply, then stepped back as more frames dressed up as musicians walked in.

"Now, fellows, you are welcome."

"We thank your honour." The musicians said.

"Do you intend to stay with me tonight?"

"So please your lordship to accept our duty." One of the musicians spoke up.

"With all my heart. This fellow I remember,  
Since once he play'd a farmer's eldest son:  
'Twas where you woo'd the gentlewoman so well:  
I have forgot your name; but, sure, that part  
Was aptly fitted and naturally perform'd."

"I think 'twas Soto that your honour means." Another musician said.

"'Tis very true: thou didst it excellent.  
Well, you are come to me in a happy time;  
The rather for I have some sport in hand  
Wherein your cunning can assist me much.  
There is a lord will hear you play to-night:  
But I am doubtful of your modesties;  
Lest over-eyeing of his odd behavior,--  
For yet his honour never heard a play--  
You break into some merry passion  
And so offend him; for I tell you, sirs,  
If you should smile he grows impatient." Matt said.

"Fear not, my lord: we can contain ourselves,  
Were he the veriest antic in the world." another frame said.

"Go, sirrah, take them to the buttery,  
And give them friendly welcome every one:  
Let them want nothing that my house affords." Matt said while waving them away.

The musicians left the room, leaving Matt with his servant again.

"Sirrah, go you to Barthol'mew my page,  
And see him dress'd in all suits like a lady:  
That done, conduct him to the drunkard's chamber;  
And call him 'madam,' do him obeisance.  
Tell him from me, as he will win my love,  
He bear himself with honourable action,  
Such as he hath observed in noble ladies  
Unto their lords, by them accomplished:  
Such duty to the drunkard let him do  
With soft low tongue and lowly courtesy,  
And say 'What is't your honour will command,  
Wherein your lady and your humble wife  
May show her duty and make known her love?'  
And then with kind embracements, tempting kisses,  
And with declining head into his bosom,  
Bid him shed tears, as being overjoy'd  
To see her noble lord restored to health,  
Who for this seven years hath esteem'd him  
No better than a poor and loathsome beggar:  
And if the boy have not a woman's gift  
To rain a shower of commanded tears,  
An onion will do well for such a shift,  
Which in a napkin being close convey'd  
Shall in despite enforce a watery eye.  
See this dispatch'd with all the haste thou canst:  
Anon I'll give thee more instructions."

The servant left the room once again.

"I know the boy will well usurp the grace,  
Voice, gait and action of a gentlewoman:  
I long to hear him call the drunkard husband,  
And how my men will stay themselves from laughter  
When they do homage to this simple peasant.  
I'll in to counsel them; haply my presence  
May well abate the over-merry spleen  
Which otherwise would grow into extremes." Matt said.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SCENE II. A bedchamber in the Lord's house.

In Matt's supposed bedroom, Snake lay upon the bed in tidy clothes, and a few servant frames has cleaning basins and towels. Matt watched them as they worked.

Suddenly, Snake woke up with a groan.

"For God's sake, a pot of small ale." Snake said.

"Will't please your lordship drink a cup of sack?" the first servant said.

"Will't please your honour taste of these conserves?" the second servant said.

"What raiment will your honour wear to-day?" the third servant asked.

"I am Christophero Sly; call not me 'honour' nor  
'lordship:' I ne'er drank sack in my life; and if  
you give me any conserves, give me conserves of  
beef: ne'er ask me what raiment I'll wear; for I  
have no more doublets than backs, no more stockings  
than legs, nor no more shoes than feet; nay,  
sometimes more feet than shoes, or such shoes as my  
toes look through the over-leather." Snake said.

"Heaven cease this idle humour in your honour!  
O, that a mighty man of such descent,  
Of such possessions and so high esteem,  
Should be infused with so foul a spirit!" Matt laughed mirthlessly.

"What, would you make me mad? Am not I Christopher  
Sly, old Sly's son of Burtonheath, by birth a  
pedlar, by education a cardmaker, by transmutation a  
bear-herd, and now by present profession a tinker?  
Ask Marian Hacket, the fat ale-wife of Wincot, if  
she know me not: if she say I am not fourteen pence  
on the score for sheer ale, score me up for the  
lyingest knave in Christendom. What! I am not  
bestraught: here's--" Snake said.

"O, this it is that makes your lady mourn!" the third frame wailed.

"O, this is it that makes your servants droop!" the second servant sighed.

"Hence comes it that your kindred shuns your house,  
As beaten hence by your strange lunacy.  
O noble lord, bethink thee of thy birth,  
Call home thy ancient thoughts from banishment  
And banish hence these abject lowly dreams.  
Look how thy servants do attend on thee,  
Each in his office ready at thy beck.  
Wilt thou have music? hark! Apollo plays," Matt said.

The musicians slipped in, while playing light, airy music.

"And twenty caged nightingales do sing:  
Or wilt thou sleep? we'll have thee to a couch  
Softer and sweeter than the lustful bed  
On purpose trimm'd up for Semiramis.  
Say thou wilt walk; we will bestrew the ground:  
Or wilt thou ride? thy horses shall be trapp'd,  
Their harness studded all with gold and pearl.  
Dost thou love hawking? thou hast hawks will soar  
Above the morning lark or wilt thou hunt?  
Thy hounds shall make the welkin answer them  
And fetch shrill echoes from the hollow earth."

"Say thou wilt course; thy greyhounds are as swift  
As breathed stags, ay, fleeter than the roe." the first servant said.

"Dost thou love pictures? we will fetch thee straight  
Adonis painted by a running brook,  
And Cytherea all in sedges hid,  
Which seem to move and wanton with her breath,  
Even as the waving sedges play with wind." the second servant said.

"We'll show thee Io as she was a maid,  
And how she was beguiled and surprised,  
As lively painted as the deed was done." spoke Matt

"Or Daphne roaming through a thorny wood,  
Scratching her legs that one shall swear she bleeds,  
And at that sight shall sad Apollo weep,  
So workmanly the blood and tears are drawn." the third frame said.

"Thou art a lord, and nothing but a lord:  
Thou hast a lady far more beautiful  
Than any woman in this waning age." Matt said.

"And till the tears that she hath shed for thee  
Like envious floods o'er-run her lovely face,  
She was the fairest creature in the world;  
And yet she is inferior to none." the first servant said.

"Am I a lord? and have I such a lady?  
Or do I dream? or have I dream'd till now?  
I do not sleep: I see, I hear, I speak;  
I smell sweet savours and I feel soft things:  
Upon my life, I am a lord indeed  
And not a tinker nor Christophero Sly.  
Well, bring our lady hither to our sight;  
And once again, a pot o' the smallest ale." Snake requested.

"Will't please your mightiness to wash your hands?  
O, how we joy to see your wit restored!  
O, that once more you knew but what you are!  
These fifteen years you have been in a dream;  
Or when you waked, so waked as if you slept." the second frame said.

"These fifteen years! by my fay, a goodly nap.  
But did I never speak of all that time?" Matt asked.

"O, yes, my lord, but very idle words:  
For though you lay here in this goodly chamber,  
Yet would you say ye were beaten out of door;  
And rail upon the hostess of the house;  
And say you would present her at the leet,  
Because she brought stone jugs and no seal'd quarts:  
Sometimes you would call out for Cicely Hacket." the first servant said.

"Ay, the woman's maid of the house." Snake said.

"Why, sir, you know no house nor no such maid,  
Nor no such men as you have reckon'd up,  
As Stephen Sly and did John Naps of Greece  
And Peter Turph and Henry Pimpernell  
And twenty more such names and men as these  
Which never were nor no man ever saw." the third servant said.

"Now Lord be thanked for my good amends!"

"Amen." everybody said.

"I thank thee: thou shalt not lose by it."  
Lyon, and a few attendants slipped into the room, and Lyon was blushing madly, and he was wearing a dress.

"How fares my noble lord?" Lyon faked a woman's voice excellently.

"Marry, I fare well for here is cheer enough.  
Where is my wife?" Snake said.

"Here, noble lord: what is thy will with her?" Lyon said, blushing all the worse.

"Are you my wife and will not call me husband?  
My men should call me 'lord:' I am your goodman." Snake said.

"My husband and my lord, my lord and husband;  
I am your wife in all obedience." Lyon said.

"I know it well. What must I call her?" Snake said.

"Madam." Matt nodded.

"Al'ce madam, or Joan madam?" Snake asked.

"'Madam,' and nothing else: so lords  
call ladies." Matt explained.

"Madam wife, they say that I have dream'd  
And slept above some fifteen year or more." Snake wondered.

"Ay, and the time seems thirty unto me,  
Being all this time abandon'd from your bed." Lyon said.

"'Tis much. Servants, leave me and her alone.  
Madam, undress you and come now to bed." Snake ordered.

"Thrice noble lord, let me entreat of you  
To pardon me yet for a night or two,  
Or, if not so, until the sun be set:  
For your physicians have expressly charged,  
In peril to incur your former malady,  
That I should yet absent me from your bed:  
I hope this reason stands for my excuse." Lyon said, blushing so badly his face was pure crimson, as if he were on fire.

"Ay, it stands so that I may hardly  
tarry so long. But I would be loath to fall into  
my dreams again: I will therefore tarry in  
despite of the flesh and the blood." Snake said, sounding like he couldn't care less.

Just then, a messenger appeared in the doorway.

"Your honour's players, heating your amendment,  
Are come to play a pleasant comedy;  
For so your doctors hold it very meet,  
Seeing too much sadness hath congeal'd your blood,  
And melancholy is the nurse of frenzy:  
Therefore they thought it good you hear a play  
And frame your mind to mirth and merriment,  
Which bars a thousand harms and lengthens life." The messenger said.

"Marry, I will, let them play it. Is not a  
comondy a Christmas gambold or a tumbling-trick?" Snake asked.

"No, my good lord; it is more pleasing stuff." Lyon assured him.

"What, household stuff?" Snake asked.

"It is a kind of history." Lyon explained."Well, well see't. Come, madam wife, sit by my side  
and let the world slip: we shall ne'er be younger." Snake said.  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


	17. TTOST: Act 1

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

SCENE I. Padua. A public place.

Mario and Luigi walked about in the plaza of an Italian city, which looked to exist in the age of 1600. Mario and Luigi were wearing appropriate attire, nice crisp suits.

"Tranio, since for the great desire I had  
To see fair Padua, nursery of arts,  
I am arrived for fruitful Lombardy,  
The pleasant garden of great Italy;  
And by my father's love and leave am arm'd  
With his good will and thy good company,  
My trusty servant, well approved in all,  
Here let us breathe and haply institute  
A course of learning and ingenious studies.  
Pisa renown'd for grave citizens  
Gave me my being and my father first,  
A merchant of great traffic through the world,  
Vincetino come of Bentivolii." Mario said. "Vincetino's son brought up in Florence  
It shall become to serve all hopes conceived,  
To deck his fortune with his virtuous deeds:  
And therefore, Tranio, for the time I study,  
Virtue and that part of philosophy  
Will I apply that treats of happiness  
By virtue specially to be achieved.  
Tell me thy mind; for I have Pisa left  
And am to Padua come, as he that leaves  
A shallow plash to plunge him in the deep  
And with satiety seeks to quench his thirst."

"Mi perdonato, gentle master mine,  
I am in all affected as yourself;  
Glad that you thus continue your resolve  
To suck the sweets of sweet philosophy.  
Only, good master, while we do admire  
This virtue and this moral discipline,  
Let's be no stoics nor no stocks, I pray;  
Or so devote to Aristotle's cheques  
As Ovid be an outcast quite abjured:  
Balk logic with acquaintance that you have  
And practise rhetoric in your common talk;  
Music and poesy use to quicken you;  
The mathematics and the metaphysics,  
Fall to them as you find your stomach serves you;  
No profit grows where is no pleasure ta'en:  
In brief, sir, study what you most affect." Luigi said.

"Gramercies, Tranio, well dost thou advise.  
If, Biondello, thou wert come ashore,  
We could at once put us in readiness,  
And take a lodging fit to entertain  
Such friends as time in Padua shall beget.  
But stay a while: what company is this?" Mario asked.

"Master, some show to welcome us to town." Luigi said.

Dr. Mario, Samus, Peach, Wario, and Waluigi walked by, and Mario and Luigi watched them from the other side of the road.

"Gentlemen, importune me no farther,  
For how I firmly am resolved you know;  
That is, not bestow my youngest daughter  
Before I have a husband for the elder:  
If either of you both love Katharina,  
Because I know you well and love you well,  
Leave shall you have to court her at your pleasure." Dr. Mario sighed.

[Aside "To cart her rather: she's too rough for me.  
There, There, Hortensio, will you any wife?" Waluigi asked Wario.

"I pray you, sir, is it your will  
To make a stale of me amongst these mates?" Samus asked angrily

"Mates, maid! how mean you that? no mates for you,  
Unless you were of gentler, milder mould." Wario said.

"I'faith, sir, you shall never need to fear:  
I wis it is not half way to her heart;  
But if it were, doubt not her care should be  
To comb your noddle with a three-legg'd stool  
And paint your face and use you like a fool." Samus smiled wickedly. Wario stepped back with fear written across his face.

"From all such devils, good Lord deliver us!" Wario wailed.

"And me too, good Lord!" Waluigi cried.

"Hush, master! here's some good pastime toward:  
That wench is stark mad or wonderful froward." Luigi whispered to Mario.

"But in the other's silence do I see  
Maid's mild behavior and sobriety.  
Peace, Tranio!" Mario said, staring at Peach and motioning for Luigi to be quiet.

"Well said, master; mum! and gaze your fill." Luigi said.

"Gentlemen, that I may soon make good  
What I have said, Bianca, get you in:  
And let it not displease thee, good Bianca,  
For I will love thee ne'er the less, my girl." Dr. Mario said.

"A pretty peat! it is best  
Put finger in the eye, an she knew why." Samus said.

"Sister, content you in my discontent.  
Sir, to your pleasure humbly I subscribe:  
My books and instruments shall be my company,  
On them to took and practise by myself." Peach sighed.

"Hark, Tranio! thou may'st hear Minerva speak." Mario said in an awed voice.

"Signior Baptista, will you be so strange?  
Sorry am I that our good will effects  
Bianca's grief." Wario said.

"Why will you mew her up,  
Signior Baptista, for this fiend of hell,  
And make her bear the penance of her tongue?" Waluigi asked.

"Gentlemen, content ye; I am resolved:  
Go in, Bianca:" Dr. Mario said sternly.

Peach sighed again and hung her head, and walked into the big manor they had been walking to. Mario and Luigi hid around a corner, and continued to watch the events as they unfolded.

"And for I know she taketh most delight  
In music, instruments and poetry,  
Schoolmasters will I keep within my house,  
Fit to instruct her youth. If you, Hortensio,  
Or Signior Gremio, you, know any such,  
Prefer them hither; for to cunning men  
I will be very kind, and liberal  
To mine own children in good bringing up:  
And so farewell. Katharina, you may stay;  
For I have more to commune with Bianca." Dr. Mario said.

He entered the house soon after Peach, leaving Samus behind with Wario and Waluigi.

"Why, and I trust I may go too, may I not? What,  
shall I be appointed hours; as though, belike, I  
knew not what to take and what to leave, ha?" Samus asked, wearing her devilish smile.

She too walked in, leaving the two men outside the house. Mario and Luigi continued to spy.

"You may go to the devil's dam: your gifts are so  
good, here's none will hold you. Their love is not  
so great, Hortensio, but we may blow our nails  
together, and fast it fairly out: our cakes dough on  
both sides. Farewell: yet for the love I bear my  
sweet Bianca, if I can by any means light on a fit  
man to teach her that wherein she delights, I will  
wish him to her father." Wario said.

"So will I, Signior Gremio: but a word, I pray.  
Though the nature of our quarrel yet never brooked  
parle, know now, upon advice, it toucheth us both,  
that we may yet again have access to our fair  
mistress and be happy rivals in Bianco's love, to  
labour and effect one thing specially." Waluigi said.

"What's that, I pray?"

"Marry, sir, to get a husband for her sister."

"A husband! a devil."

"I say, a husband."

"I say, a devil. Thinkest thou, Hortensio, though  
her father be very rich, any man is so very a fool  
to be married to hell?"

"Tush, Gremio, though it pass your patience and mine  
to endure her loud alarums, why, man, there be good  
fellows in the world, an a man could light on them,  
would take her with all faults, and money enough."

"I cannot tell; but I had as lief take her dowry with  
this condition, to be whipped at the high cross  
every morning."

"Faith, as you say, there's small choice in rotten  
apples. But come; since this bar in law makes us  
friends, it shall be so far forth friendly  
maintained all by helping Baptista's eldest daughter  
to a husband we set his youngest free for a husband,  
and then have to't a fresh. Sweet Bianca! Happy man  
be his dole! He that runs fastest gets the ring.  
How say you, Signior Gremio?"

"I am agreed; and would I had given him the best  
horse in Padua to begin his wooing that would  
thoroughly woo her, wed her and bed her and rid the  
house of her! Come on."

After finishing their conversation, Wario and Waluigi walked in the opposite direction of Mario and Luigi. Mario and Luigi stepped out from their hiding spot, and began to converse.

"I pray, sir, tell me, is it possible  
That love should of a sudden take such hold?" Luigi asked.

"O Tranio, till I found it to be true,  
I never thought it possible or likely;  
But see, while idly I stood looking on,  
I found the effect of love in idleness:  
And now in plainness do confess to thee,  
That art to me as secret and as dear  
As Anna to the queen of Carthage was,  
Tranio, I burn, I pine, I perish, Tranio,  
If I achieve not this young modest girl.  
Counsel me, Tranio, for I know thou canst;  
Assist me, Tranio, for I know thou wilt." Mario said.

"Master, it is no time to chide you now;  
Affection is not rated from the heart:  
If love have touch'd you, nought remains but so,  
'Redime te captum quam queas minimo.'"

"Gramercies, lad, go forward; this contents:  
The rest will comfort, for thy counsel's sound."

"Master, you look'd so longly on the maid,  
Perhaps you mark'd not what's the pith of all."

"O yes, I saw sweet beauty in her face,  
Such as the daughter of Agenor had,  
That made great Jove to humble him to her hand.  
When with his knees he kiss'd the Cretan strand."

"Saw you no more? mark'd you not how her sister  
Began to scold and raise up such a storm  
That mortal ears might hardly endure the din?"

"Tranio, I saw her coral lips to move  
And with her breath she did perfume the air:  
Sacred and sweet was all I saw in her." Mario ignored his servant Luigi, while daydreaming about Peach.

"Nay, then, 'tis time to stir him from his trance.  
I pray, awake, sir: if you love the maid,  
Bend thoughts and wits to achieve her. Thus it stands:  
Her eldest sister is so curst and shrewd  
That till the father rid his hands of her,  
Master, your love must live a maid at home;  
And therefore has he closely mew'd her up,  
Because she will not be annoy'd with suitors." Luigi sighed.

"Ah, Tranio, what a cruel father's he!  
But art thou not advised, he took some care  
To get her cunning schoolmasters to instruct her?"

"Ay, marry, am I, sir; and now 'tis plotted."

"I have it, Tranio." Mario cried.

"Master, for my hand,  
Both our inventions meet and jump in one." Luigi said.

"Tell me thine first." Mario requested.

"You will be schoolmaster  
And undertake the teaching of the maid:  
That's your device."

"It is: may it be done?"

"Not possible; for who shall bear your part,  
And be in Padua here Vincentio's son,  
Keep house and ply his book, welcome his friends,  
Visit his countrymen and banquet them?"

"Basta; content thee, for I have it full.  
We have not yet been seen in any house,  
Nor can we lie distinguish'd by our faces  
For man or master; then it follows thus;  
Thou shalt be master, Tranio, in my stead,  
Keep house and port and servants as I should:  
I will some other be, some Florentine,  
Some Neapolitan, or meaner man of Pisa.  
'Tis hatch'd and shall be so: Tranio, at once  
Uncase thee; take my colour'd hat and cloak:  
When Biondello comes, he waits on thee;  
But I will charm him first to keep his tongue."

"So had you need.  
In brief, sir, sith it your pleasure is,  
And I am tied to be obedient;  
For so your father charged me at our parting,  
'Be serviceable to my son,' quoth he,  
Although I think 'twas in another sense;  
I am content to be Lucentio,  
Because so well I love Lucentio."

"Tranio, be so, because Lucentio loves:  
And let me be a slave, to achieve that maid  
Whose sudden sight hath thrall'd my wounded eye.  
Here comes the rogue."

While they were talking, Felious slipped up close to them. He finally caught their attention by coughing gently.

"Sirrah, where have you been?" Mario exclaimed.

"Where have I been! Nay, how now! where are you?  
Master, has my fellow Tranio stolen your clothes? Or  
you stolen his? or both? pray, what's the news?" Felious said.

"Sirrah, come hither: 'tis no time to jest,  
And therefore frame your manners to the time.  
Your fellow Tranio here, to save my life,  
Puts my apparel and my countenance on,  
And I for my escape have put on his;  
For in a quarrel since I came ashore  
I kill'd a man and fear I was descried:  
Wait you on him, I charge you, as becomes,  
While I make way from hence to save my life:  
You understand me?" Mario said.

"I, sir! ne'er a whit."

"And not a jot of Tranio in your mouth:  
Tranio is changed into Lucentio."

"The better for him: would I were so too!"

"So could I, faith, boy, to have the next wish after,  
That Lucentio indeed had Baptista's youngest daughter.  
But, sirrah, not for my sake, but your master's, I advise  
You use your manners discreetly in all kind of companies:  
When I am alone, why, then I am Tranio;  
But in all places else your master Lucentio." Luigi said.

"Tranio, let's go: one thing more rests, that  
thyself execute, to make one among these wooers: if  
thou ask me why, sufficeth, my reasons are both good  
and weighty." Mario said.

The scene faded, back to the bedroom."My lord, you nod; you do not mind the play." The first servant said.

"Yes, by Saint Anne, do I. A good matter, surely:  
comes there any more of it?" Snake asked hopefully.

"My lord, 'tis but begun." Lyon said.

"'Tis a very excellent piece of work, madam lady:" Snake said.  
would 'twere done!

They sat back down to rest a bit, and watch the next part.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SCENE II. Padua. Before HORTENSIO'S house.

Ganon and Marth stood outside Wario's house, speaking.

"Verona, for a while I take my leave,  
To see my friends in Padua, but of all  
My best beloved and approved friend,  
Hortensio; and I trow this is his house.  
Here, sirrah Grumio; knock, I say." Ganon said. He was back in his normal body, but like everybody else, had different clothing to fit in.

"Knock, sir! whom should I knock? is there man has  
rebused your worship?" Marth asked.

"Villain, I say, knock me here soundly." Ganon ordered.

"Knock you here, sir! why, sir, what am I, sir, that  
I should knock you here, sir?" Marth asked.

"Villain, I say, knock me at this gate  
And rap me well, or I'll knock your knave's pate." Ganon growled menacingly.

"My master is grown quarrelsome. I should knock  
you first,  
And then I know after who comes by the worst." Marth said.

"Will it not be?" Ganon asked.  
"Faith, sirrah, an you'll not knock, I'll ring it;  
I'll try how you can sol, fa, and sing it."

Ganon seized Marth by the ears, and started boxing them while Marth yelled and thrashed about.

"Help, masters, help! my master is mad!" Marth wailed.

"Now, knock when I bid you, sirrah villain!" Ganon roared.

Waluigi opened his door, looking about in shock, then he saw Ganon hanging Marth by his ears.

"How now! what's the matter? My old friend Grumio!  
and my good friend Petruchio! How do you all at Verona?" Wario asked.

"Signior Hortensio, come you to part the fray?  
'Con tutto il cuore, ben trovato,' may I say." Ganon said.

"'Alla nostra casa ben venuto, molto honorato signor  
mio Petruchio.' Rise, Grumio, rise: we will compound  
this quarrel."

"Nay, 'tis no matter, sir, what he 'leges in Latin.  
if this be not a lawful case for me to leave his  
service, look you, sir, he bid me knock him and rap  
him soundly, sir: well, was it fit for a servant to  
use his master so, being perhaps, for aught I see,  
two and thirty, a pip out? Whom would to God I had  
well knock'd at first, Then had not Grumio come by the worst." Marth said.

"A senseless villain! Good Hortensio,  
I bade the rascal knock upon your gate  
And could not get him for my heart to do it." Ganon said.

"Knock at the gate! O heavens! Spake you not these  
words plain, 'Sirrah, knock me here, rap me here,  
knock me well, and knock me soundly'? And come you  
now with, 'knocking at the gate'?"

"Sirrah, be gone, or talk not, I advise you."

"Petruchio, patience; I am Grumio's pledge:  
Why, this's a heavy chance 'twixt him and you,  
Your ancient, trusty, pleasant servant Grumio.  
And tell me now, sweet friend, what happy gale  
Blows you to Padua here from old Verona?" Wario asked.

"Such wind as scatters young men through the world,  
To seek their fortunes farther than at home  
Where small experience grows. But in a few,  
Signior Hortensio, thus it stands with me:  
Antonio, my father, is deceased;  
And I have thrust myself into this maze,  
Haply to wive and thrive as best I may:  
Crowns in my purse I have and goods at home,  
And so am come abroad to see the world."

"Petruchio, shall I then come roundly to thee  
And wish thee to a shrewd ill-favour'd wife?  
Thou'ldst thank me but a little for my counsel:  
And yet I'll promise thee she shall be rich  
And very rich: but thou'rt too much my friend,  
And I'll not wish thee to her."

"Signior Hortensio, 'twixt such friends as we  
Few words suffice; and therefore, if thou know  
One rich enough to be Petruchio's wife,  
As wealth is burden of my wooing dance,  
Be she as foul as was Florentius' love,  
As old as Sibyl and as curst and shrewd  
As Socrates' Xanthippe, or a worse,  
She moves me not, or not removes, at least,  
Affection's edge in me, were she as rough  
As are the swelling Adriatic seas:  
I come to wive it wealthily in Padua;  
If wealthily, then happily in Padua."

"Nay, look you, sir, he tells you flatly what his  
mind is: Why give him gold enough and marry him to  
a puppet or an aglet-baby; or an old trot with ne'er  
a tooth in her head, though she have as many diseases  
as two and fifty horses: why, nothing comes amiss,  
so money comes withal." Marth said.

"Petruchio, since we are stepp'd thus far in,  
I will continue that I broach'd in jest.  
I can, Petruchio, help thee to a wife  
With wealth enough and young and beauteous,  
Brought up as best becomes a gentlewoman:  
Her only fault, and that is faults enough,  
Is that she is intolerable curst  
And shrewd and froward, so beyond all measure  
That, were my state far worser than it is,  
I would not wed her for a mine of gold." Wario declared.

"Hortensio, peace! thou know'st not gold's effect:  
Tell me her father's name and 'tis enough;  
For I will board her, though she chide as loud  
As thunder when the clouds in autumn crack." Ganon said.

"Her father is Baptista Minola,  
An affable and courteous gentleman:  
Her name is Katharina Minola,  
Renown'd in Padua for her scolding tongue."

"I know her father, though I know not her;  
And he knew my deceased father well.  
I will not sleep, Hortensio, till I see her;  
And therefore let me be thus bold with you  
To give you over at this first encounter,  
Unless you will accompany me thither."

"I pray you, sir, let him go while the humour lasts.  
O' my word, an she knew him as well as I do, she  
would think scolding would do little good upon him:  
she may perhaps call him half a score knaves or so:  
why, that's nothing; an he begin once, he'll rail in  
his rope-tricks. I'll tell you what sir, an she  
stand him but a little, he will throw a figure in  
her face and so disfigure her with it that she  
shall have no more eyes to see withal than a cat.  
You know him not, sir." Marth said.

"Tarry, Petruchio, I must go with thee,  
For in Baptista's keep my treasure is:  
He hath the jewel of my life in hold,  
His youngest daughter, beautiful Binaca,  
And her withholds from me and other more,  
Suitors to her and rivals in my love,  
Supposing it a thing impossible,  
For those defects I have before rehearsed,  
That ever Katharina will be woo'd;  
Therefore this order hath Baptista ta'en,  
That none shall have access unto Bianca  
Till Katharina the curst have got a husband." Wario said.

"Katharina the curst!  
A title for a maid of all titles the worst."

"Now shall my friend Petruchio do me grace,  
And offer me disguised in sober robes  
To old Baptista as a schoolmaster  
Well seen in music, to instruct Bianca;  
That so I may, by this device, at least  
Have leave and leisure to make love to her  
And unsuspected court her by herself."

"Here's no knavery! See, to beguile the old folks,  
how the young folks lay their heads together!"

Mario and Luigi walked in, disguised. Mario as a teacher, and Luigi as Mario was before.

"Master, master, look about you: who goes there, ha?" Marth asked.

"Peace, Grumio! it is the rival of my love.  
Petruchio, stand by a while." Waluigi requested.

"A proper stripling and an amorous!" Wario said.

"O, very well; I have perused the note.  
Hark you, sir: I'll have them very fairly bound:  
All books of love, see that at any hand;  
And see you read no other lectures to her:  
You understand me: over and beside  
Signior Baptista's liberality,  
I'll mend it with a largess. Take your paper too,  
And let me have them very well perfumed  
For she is sweeter than perfume itself  
To whom they go to. What will you read to her?" Waluigi asked from Wario's doorway.

"Whate'er I read to her, I'll plead for you  
As for my patron, stand you so assured,  
As firmly as yourself were still in place:  
Yea, and perhaps with more successful words  
Than you, unless you were a scholar, sir." Mario said.

"O this learning, what a thing it is!" Waluigi exclaimed.

"O this woodcock, what an ass it is!" Marth scowled.

"Peace, sirrah!" Ganon ordered.

"Grumio, mum! God save you, Signior Gremio." Wario said.

"And you are well met, Signior Hortensio.  
Trow you whither I am going? To Baptista Minola.  
I promised to inquire carefully  
About a schoolmaster for the fair Bianca:  
And by good fortune I have lighted well  
On this young man, for learning and behavior  
Fit for her turn, well read in poetry  
And other books, good ones, I warrant ye." Waluigi said.

"'Tis well; and I have met a gentleman  
Hath promised me to help me to another,  
A fine musician to instruct our mistress;  
So shall I no whit be behind in duty  
To fair Bianca, so beloved of me."

"Beloved of me; and that my deeds shall prove."

"And that his bags shall prove." Marth piped up.

"Gremio, 'tis now no time to vent our love:  
Listen to me, and if you speak me fair,  
I'll tell you news indifferent good for either.  
Here is a gentleman whom by chance I met,  
Upon agreement from us to his liking,  
Will undertake to woo curst Katharina,  
Yea, and to marry her, if her dowry please." Wario said.

"So said, so done, is well.  
Hortensio, have you told him all her faults?" Waluigi asked.

"I know she is an irksome brawling scold:  
If that be all, masters, I hear no harm." Ganon said.

"No, say'st me so, friend? What countryman?"

"Born in Verona, old Antonio's son:  
My father dead, my fortune lives for me;  
And I do hope good days and long to see."

"O sir, such a life, with such a wife, were strange!  
But if you have a stomach, to't i' God's name:  
You shall have me assisting you in all.  
But will you woo this wild-cat?"

"Will I live?"

"Will he woo her? ay, or I'll hang her."

"Why came I hither but to that intent?  
Think you a little din can daunt mine ears?  
Have I not in my time heard lions roar?  
Have I not heard the sea puff'd up with winds  
Rage like an angry boar chafed with sweat?  
Have I not heard great ordnance in the field,  
And heaven's artillery thunder in the skies?  
Have I not in a pitched battle heard  
Loud 'larums, neighing steeds, and trumpets' clang?  
And do you tell me of a woman's tongue,  
That gives not half so great a blow to hear  
As will a chestnut in a farmer's fire?  
Tush, tush! fear boys with bugs."

"For he fears none." Marth looked at the sky as he spoke.

"Hortensio, hark:  
This gentleman is happily arrived,  
My mind presumes, for his own good and ours." Waluigi said.

"I promised we would be contributors  
And bear his charging of wooing, whatsoe'er." Wario said.

"And so we will, provided that he win her."

"I would I were as sure of a good dinner." Marth said.

Luigi walked by again, followed by Felious.

"Gentlemen, God save you. If I may be bold,  
Tell me, I beseech you, which is the readiest way  
To the house of Signior Baptista Minola?" Luigi asked politely.

"He that has the two fair daughters: is't he you mean?" Felious asked.

"Even he, Biondello."

"Hark you, sir; you mean not her to--" Waluigi started saying, but he was interrupted by Luigi.

"Perhaps, him and her, sir: what have you to do?"

"Not her that chides, sir, at any hand, I pray." Ganon said.

"I love no chiders, sir. Biondello, let's away." Luigi said.

"Well begun, Tranio." Mario said.

"Sir, a word ere you go;  
Are you a suitor to the maid you talk of, yea or no?" Wario said.

"And if I be, sir, is it any offence?" Luigi asked.

"No; if without more words you will get you hence." Waluigi said.

"Why, sir, I pray, are not the streets as free  
For me as for you?"

"But so is not she."

"For what reason, I beseech you?"

"For this reason, if you'll know,  
That she's the choice love of Signior Gremio."

"That she's the chosen of Signior Hortensio." Wario said.

"Softly, my masters! if you be gentlemen,  
Do me this right; hear me with patience.  
Baptista is a noble gentleman,  
To whom my father is not all unknown;  
And were his daughter fairer than she is,  
She may more suitors have and me for one.  
Fair Leda's daughter had a thousand wooers;  
Then well one more may fair Bianca have:  
And so she shall; Lucentio shall make one,  
Though Paris came in hope to speed alone." Luigi said.

"What! this gentleman will out-talk us all." Waluigi declared.

"Sir, give him head: I know he'll prove a jade." Mario said.

"Hortensio, to what end are all these words?" Ganon asked Wario.

"Sir, let me be so bold as ask you,  
Did you yet ever see Baptista's daughter?" Wario asked Luigi.

"No, sir; but hear I do that he hath two,  
The one as famous for a scolding tongue  
As is the other for beauteous modesty." Luigi said.

"Sir, sir, the first's for me; let her go by." Ganon said.

"Yea, leave that labour to great Hercules;  
And let it be more than Alcides' twelve." Waluigi said.

"Sir, understand you this of me in sooth:  
The youngest daughter whom you hearken for  
Her father keeps from all access of suitors,  
And will not promise her to any man  
Until the elder sister first be wed:  
The younger then is free and not before.""If it be so, sir, that you are the man  
Must stead us all and me amongst the rest,  
And if you break the ice and do this feat,  
Achieve the elder, set the younger free  
For our access, whose hap shall be to have her  
Will not so graceless be to be ingrate." Luigi said.

"Sir, you say well and well you do conceive;  
And since you do profess to be a suitor,  
You must, as we do, gratify this gentleman,  
To whom we all rest generally beholding." Wario said.

"Sir, I shall not be slack: in sign whereof,  
Please ye we may contrive this afternoon,  
And quaff carouses to our mistress' health,  
And do as adversaries do in law,  
Strive mightily, but eat and drink as friends."

"O excellent motion! Fellows, let's be gone." Marth and Felious said at the same time.

"The motion's good indeed and be it so,  
Petruchio, I shall be your ben venuto." Wario said.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


	18. TTOST: Act II

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

SCENE I. Padua. A room in BAPTISTA'S house.

In a room inside Dr. Mario's house, Peach was tied to a chair, tightly, and Samus prowled around her in circles like a tiger about to strike.

"Good sister, wrong me not, nor wrong yourself,  
To make a bondmaid and a slave of me;  
That I disdain: but for these other gawds,  
Unbind my hands, I'll pull them off myself,  
Yea, all my raiment, to my petticoat;  
Or what you will command me will I do,  
So well I know my duty to my elders." Peach pleaded.

"Of all thy suitors, here I charge thee, tell  
Whom thou lovest best: see thou dissemble not." Samus demanded, finally stopping to look her in the face.

"Believe me, sister, of all the men alive  
I never yet beheld that special face  
Which I could fancy more than any other." Peach said.

"Minion, thou liest. Is't not Hortensio?" Samus cried.

"If you affect him, sister, here I swear  
I'll plead for you myself, but you shall have  
him." Peach sobbed as she struggled against her bonds.

"O then, belike, you fancy riches more:  
You will have Gremio to keep you fair." Samus sniffed disdainfully, and rose up to her full height.

"Is it for him you do envy me so?  
Nay then you jest, and now I well perceive  
You have but jested with me all this while:  
I prithee, sister Kate, untie my hands." Peach pleaded, looking up at her unsympathetic sister.

"If that be jest, then all the rest was so." Samus said waspishly.

She brought her hand back, then slapped Peach across the side of her face with her palm. Peach let loose her tears, and hung her head, while Samus hovered above her triumphantly.

There was a knock at the door, and Dr. Mario swept in. He was surprised at what he had just heard.

"Why, how now, dame! whence grows this insolence?  
Bianca, stand aside. Poor girl! she weeps." He said, as he cut Peach loose from the chair.  
"Go ply thy needle; meddle not with her.  
For shame, thou helding of a devilish spirit,  
Why dost thou wrong her that did ne'er wrong thee?  
When did she cross thee with a bitter word?"

"Her silence flouts me, and I'll be revenged." Samus declared.

She ran at Peach, who screamed in fright and hid behind Dr. Mario

"What, in my sight? Bianca, get thee in." Dr. Mario ordered.

Peach fled the room, at speeds her dressing normally wouldn't allow.

"What, will you not suffer me? Nay, now I see  
She is your treasure, she must have a husband;  
I must dance bare-foot on her wedding day  
And for your love to her lead apes in hell.  
Talk not to me: I will go sit and weep  
Till I can find occasion of revenge." Samus promised.

She bolted from the room before Dr. Mario could protest. He sighed despairingly.

"Was ever gentleman thus grieved as I?  
But who comes here?" He asked.

There was more knocking on the door, and Wario and Mario came in dressed as teachers, followed by Ganon, Waluigi, and Luigi and Felious, who carried Mario's stuff, including a lute and some teaching books.

"Good morrow, neighbour Baptista." Waluigi said, tipping his hat.

"Good morrow, neighbour Gremio.  
God save you, gentlemen!" Dr. Mario cried.

"And you, good sir! Pray, have you not a daughter  
Call'd Katharina, fair and virtuous?" Ganon asked.

"I have a daughter, sir, called Katharina." Dr. Mario affirmed.

"You are too blunt: go to it orderly." Waluigi said to Ganon.

"You wrong me, Signior Gremio: give me leave.  
I am a gentleman of Verona, sir,  
That, hearing of her beauty and her wit,  
Her affability and bashful modesty,  
Her wondrous qualities and mild behavior,  
Am bold to show myself a forward guest  
Within your house, to make mine eye the witness  
Of that report which I so oft have heard.  
And, for an entrance to my entertainment,  
I do present you with a man of mine," Ganon stepped aside, allowing Wario to come into view.

"Cunning in music and the mathematics,  
To instruct her fully in those sciences,  
Whereof I know she is not ignorant:  
Accept of him, or else you do me wrong:  
His name is Licio, born in Mantua."

"You're welcome, sir; and he, for your good sake.  
But for my daughter Katharina, this I know,  
She is not for your turn, the more my grief." Dr. Mario sighed.

"I see you do not mean to part with her,  
Or else you like not of my company." Ganon frowned.

"Mistake me not; I speak but as I find.  
Whence are you, sir? what may I call your name?" Dr. Mario asked.

"Petruchio is my name; Antonio's son,  
A man well known throughout all Italy."

"I know him well: you are welcome for his sake."

"Saving your tale, Petruchio, I pray,  
Let us, that are poor petitioners, speak too:  
Baccare! you are marvellous forward." Waluigi said.

"O, pardon me, Signior Gremio; I would fain be doing." Ganon apologized.

"I doubt it not, sir; but you will curse your  
wooing. Neighbour, this is a gift very grateful, I am  
sure of it. To express the like kindness, myself,  
that have been more kindly beholding to you than  
any, freely give unto you this young scholar," Waluigi said, allowing Mario to present himself.

"that hath been long studying at Rheims; as cunning  
in Greek, Latin, and other languages, as the other  
in music and mathematics: his name is Cambio; pray,  
accept his service."

"A thousand thanks, Signior Gremio.  
Welcome, good Cambio." Dr. Mario said. He then turned to Luigi.

"But, gentle sir, methinks you walk like a stranger:  
may I be so bold to know the cause of your coming?"

"Pardon me, sir, the boldness is mine own,  
That, being a stranger in this city here,  
Do make myself a suitor to your daughter,  
Unto Bianca, fair and virtuous.  
Nor is your firm resolve unknown to me,  
In the preferment of the eldest sister.  
This liberty is all that I request,  
That, upon knowledge of my parentage,  
I may have welcome 'mongst the rest that woo  
And free access and favour as the rest:  
And, toward the education of your daughters,  
I here bestow a simple instrument,  
And this small packet of Greek and Latin books:  
If you accept them, then their worth is great." Luigi said.

"Lucentio is your name; of whence, I pray?"

"Of Pisa, sir; son to Vincentio."

"A mighty man of Pisa; by report  
I know him well: you are very welcome, sir,  
Take you the lute, and you the set of books;  
You shall go see your pupils presently.  
Holla, within!"

A servant entered the room.

"Sirrah, lead these gentlemen  
To my daughters; and tell them both,  
These are their tutors: bid them use them well."

The servant left the room, after which followed Mario, Wario, and Felious.

"We will go walk a little in the orchard,  
And then to dinner. You are passing welcome,  
And so I pray you all to think yourselves."

"Signior Baptista, my business asketh haste,  
And every day I cannot come to woo.  
You knew my father well, and in him me,  
Left solely heir to all his lands and goods,  
Which I have better'd rather than decreased:  
Then tell me, if I get your daughter's love,  
What dowry shall I have with her to wife?" Ganon asked.

"After my death the one half of my lands,  
And in possession twenty thousand crowns." Dr. Mario said.

"And, for that dowry, I'll assure her of  
Her widowhood, be it that she survive me,  
In all my lands and leases whatsoever:  
Let specialties be therefore drawn between us,  
That covenants may be kept on either hand."

"Ay, when the special thing is well obtain'd,  
That is, her love; for that is all in all."

"Why, that is nothing: for I tell you, father,  
I am as peremptory as she proud-minded;  
And where two raging fires meet together  
They do consume the thing that feeds their fury:  
Though little fire grows great with little wind,  
Yet extreme gusts will blow out fire and all:  
So I to her and so she yields to me;  
For I am rough and woo not like a babe."

"Well mayst thou woo, and happy be thy speed!  
But be thou arm'd for some unhappy words."

"Ay, to the proof; as mountains are for winds,  
That shake not, though they blow perpetually."

Just then, Wario walked back into the room, deathly pale, with a broken lute wrapped around his head.

"How now, my friend! why dost thou look so pale?" Dr. Mario inquired.

"For fear, I promise you, if I look pale." Wario moaned.

"What, will my daughter prove a good musician?" Dr. Mario asked hopefully.

"I think she'll sooner prove a soldier  
Iron may hold with her, but never lutes."

"Why, then thou canst not break her to the lute?

"Why, no; for she hath broke the lute to me.  
I did but tell her she mistook her frets,  
And bow'd her hand to teach her fingering;  
When, with a most impatient devilish spirit,  
'Frets, call you these?' quoth she; 'I'll fume  
with them:'  
And, with that word, she struck me on the head,  
And through the instrument my pate made way;  
And there I stood amazed for a while,  
As on a pillory, looking through the lute;  
While she did call me rascal fiddler  
And twangling Jack; with twenty such vile terms,  
As had she studied to misuse me so."

"Now, by the world, it is a lusty wench;  
I love her ten times more than e'er I did:  
O, how I long to have some chat with her!" Ganon exclaimed.

"Well, go with me and be not so discomfited:  
Proceed in practise with my younger daughter;  
She's apt to learn and thankful for good turns.  
Signior Petruchio, will you go with us,  
Or shall I send my daughter Kate to you?" Dr. Mario asked.

"I pray you do." Ganon said.

Everybody left the room but Ganon, who paced lightly about the room, talking.

"I will attend her here,  
And woo her with some spirit when she comes.  
Say that she rail; why then I'll tell her plain  
She sings as sweetly as a nightingale:  
Say that she frown, I'll say she looks as clear  
As morning roses newly wash'd with dew:  
Say she be mute and will not speak a word;  
Then I'll commend her volubility,  
And say she uttereth piercing eloquence:  
If she do bid me pack, I'll give her thanks,  
As though she bid me stay by her a week:  
If she deny to wed, I'll crave the day  
When I shall ask the banns and when be married.  
But here she comes; and now, Petruchio, speak."

Samus walked in while he was talking. She looked pleased with herself.

"Good morrow, Kate; for that's your name, I hear."

"Well have you heard, but something hard of hearing:  
They call me Katharina that do talk of me." Samus smiled cruelly.

"You lie, in faith; for you are call'd plain Kate,  
And bonny Kate and sometimes Kate the curst;  
But Kate, the prettiest Kate in Christendom  
Kate of Kate Hall, my super-dainty Kate,  
For dainties are all Kates, and therefore, Kate,  
Take this of me, Kate of my consolation;  
Hearing thy mildness praised in every town,  
Thy virtues spoke of, and thy beauty sounded,  
Yet not so deeply as to thee belongs,  
Myself am moved to woo thee for my wife."

"Moved! in good time: let him that moved you hither  
Remove you hence: I knew you at the first  
You were a moveable."

"Why, what's a moveable?"

"A join'd-stool."

"Thou hast hit it: come, sit on me."

"Asses are made to bear, and so are you."

"Women are made to bear, and so are you."

"No such jade as you, if me you mean.

PETRUCHIO  
Alas! good Kate, I will not burden thee;  
For, knowing thee to be but young and light--"

"Too light for such a swain as you to catch;  
And yet as heavy as my weight should be."

"Should be! should--buzz!"

"Well ta'en, and like a buzzard."

"O slow-wing'd turtle! shall a buzzard take thee?"

"Ay, for a turtle, as he takes a buzzard."

"Come, come, you wasp; i' faith, you are too angry."

"If I be waspish, best beware my sting."

"My remedy is then, to pluck it out."

"Ay, if the fool could find it where it lies,"

"Who knows not where a wasp does  
wear his sting? In his tail."

"In his tongue."

"Whose tongue?"

"Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell."

"What, with my tongue in your tail? nay, come again,  
Good Kate; I am a gentleman."

"That I'll try." Samus said.

She walked right up to him, and popped him across the face with a mighty slap.

"I swear I'll cuff you, if you strike again." Ganon growled.

"So may you lose your arms:  
If you strike me, you are no gentleman;  
And if no gentleman, why then no arms." Samus smirked.

"A herald, Kate? O, put me in thy books!"

"What is your crest? a coxcomb?"

"A combless cock, so Kate will be my hen."

"No cock of mine; you crow too like a craven."

"Nay, come, Kate, come; you must not look so sour."

"It is my fashion, when I see a crab."

"Why, here's no crab; and therefore look not sour."

"There is, there is."

"Then show it me."

"Had I a glass, I would."

"What, you mean my face?"

"Well aim'd of such a young one."

"Now, by Saint George, I am too young for you."

"Yet you are wither'd."

"'Tis with cares."

"I care not."

"Nay, hear you, Kate: in sooth you scape not so."

"I chafe you, if I tarry: let me go."

"No, not a whit: I find you passing gentle.  
'Twas told me you were rough and coy and sullen,  
And now I find report a very liar;  
For thou are pleasant, gamesome, passing courteous,  
But slow in speech, yet sweet as spring-time flowers:  
Thou canst not frown, thou canst not look askance,  
Nor bite the lip, as angry wenches will,  
Nor hast thou pleasure to be cross in talk,  
But thou with mildness entertain'st thy wooers,  
With gentle conference, soft and affable.  
Why does the world report that Kate doth limp?  
O slanderous world! Kate like the hazel-twig  
Is straight and slender and as brown in hue  
As hazel nuts and sweeter than the kernels.  
O, let me see thee walk: thou dost not halt."

"Go, fool, and whom thou keep'st command."

"Did ever Dian so become a grove  
As Kate this chamber with her princely gait?  
O, be thou Dian, and let her be Kate;  
And then let Kate be chaste and Dian sportful!"

"Where did you study all this goodly speech?"

"It is extempore, from my mother-wit."

"A witty mother! witless else her son."

"Am I not wise?"

"Yes; keep you warm."

"Marry, so I mean, sweet Katharina, in thy bed:  
And therefore, setting all this chat aside,  
Thus in plain terms: your father hath consented  
That you shall be my wife; your dowry 'greed on;  
And, Will you, nill you, I will marry you.  
Now, Kate, I am a husband for your turn;  
For, by this light, whereby I see thy beauty,  
Thy beauty, that doth make me like thee well,  
Thou must be married to no man but me;  
For I am he am born to tame you Kate,  
And bring you from a wild Kate to a Kate  
Conformable as other household Kates.  
Here comes your father: never make denial;  
I must and will have Katharina to my wife."

There was yet more knocking, and Dr. Mario re-entered the room, with Waluigi and Luigi following.

"Now, Signior Petruchio, how speed you with my daughter?" Dr. Mario asked.

"How but well, sir? how but well?  
It were impossible I should speed amiss." Ganon said.

"Why, how now, daughter Katharina! in your dumps?"

"Call you me daughter? now, I promise you  
You have show'd a tender fatherly regard,  
To wish me wed to one half lunatic;  
A mad-cup ruffian and a swearing Jack,  
That thinks with oaths to face the matter out." Samus snarled.

"Father, 'tis thus: yourself and all the world,  
That talk'd of her, have talk'd amiss of her:  
If she be curst, it is for policy,  
For she's not froward, but modest as the dove;  
She is not hot, but temperate as the morn;  
For patience she will prove a second Grissel,  
And Roman Lucrece for her chastity:  
And to conclude, we have 'greed so well together,  
That upon Sunday is the wedding-day." Ganon said.

"I'll see thee hang'd on Sunday first." Samus vowed.

"Hark, Petruchio; she says she'll see thee  
hang'd first." Waluigi said.

"Is this your speeding? nay, then, good night our part!" Luigi cried.

"Be patient, gentlemen; I choose her for myself:  
If she and I be pleased, what's that to you?  
'Tis bargain'd 'twixt us twain, being alone,  
That she shall still be curst in company.  
I tell you, 'tis incredible to believe  
How much she loves me: O, the kindest Kate!  
She hung about my neck; and kiss on kiss  
She vied so fast, protesting oath on oath,  
That in a twink she won me to her love.  
O, you are novices! 'tis a world to see,  
How tame, when men and women are alone,  
A meacock wretch can make the curstest shrew.  
Give me thy hand, Kate: I will unto Venice,  
To buy apparel 'gainst the wedding-day.  
Provide the feast, father, and bid the guests;  
I will be sure my Katharina shall be fine." Ganon said.

"I know not what to say: but give me your hands;  
God send you joy, Petruchio! 'tis a match." Dr. Mario claimed.

"Amen, say we: we will be witnesses." Luigi and Waluigi said.

"Father, and wife, and gentlemen, adieu;  
I will to Venice; Sunday comes apace:  
We will have rings and things and fine array;  
And kiss me, Kate, we will be married o'Sunday." Ganon said, before taking his leave.

Samus scowled fiercely, before stomping from the room in a terrible fury.

"Was ever match clapp'd up so suddenly?" Waluigi asked.

"Faith, gentlemen, now I play a merchant's part,  
And venture madly on a desperate mart." Dr. Mario said.

"'Twas a commodity lay fretting by you:  
'Twill bring you gain, or perish on the seas." Luigi said.

"The gain I seek is, quiet in the match."

"No doubt but he hath got a quiet catch.  
But now, Baptists, to your younger daughter:  
Now is the day we long have looked for:  
I am your neighbour, and was suitor first." Waluigi said.

"And I am one that love Bianca more  
Than words can witness, or your thoughts can guess." Luigi said.

"Youngling, thou canst not love so dear as I."

"Graybeard, thy love doth freeze."

"But thine doth fry.  
Skipper, stand back: 'tis age that nourisheth."

"But youth in ladies' eyes that flourisheth."

"Content you, gentlemen: I will compound this strife:  
'Tis deeds must win the prize; and he of both  
That can assure my daughter greatest dower  
Shall have my Bianca's love.  
Say, Signior Gremio, What can you assure her?" Dr. Mario asked.

"First, as you know, my house within the city  
Is richly furnished with plate and gold;  
Basins and ewers to lave her dainty hands;  
My hangings all of Tyrian tapestry;  
In ivory coffers I have stuff'd my crowns;  
In cypress chests my arras counterpoints,  
Costly apparel, tents, and canopies,  
Fine linen, Turkey cushions boss'd with pearl,  
Valance of Venice gold in needlework,  
Pewter and brass and all things that belong  
To house or housekeeping: then, at my farm  
I have a hundred milch-kine to the pail,  
Sixscore fat oxen standing in my stalls,  
And all things answerable to this portion.  
Myself am struck in years, I must confess;  
And if I die to-morrow, this is hers,  
If whilst I live she will be only mine." Waluigi said.

"That 'only' came well in. Sir, list to me:  
I am my father's heir and only son:  
If I may have your daughter to my wife,  
I'll leave her houses three or four as good,  
Within rich Pisa walls, as any one  
Old Signior Gremio has in Padua;  
Besides two thousand ducats by the year  
Of fruitful land, all which shall be her jointure.  
What, have I pinch'd you, Signior Gremio?" Luigi asked.

"Two thousand ducats by the year of land!  
My land amounts not to so much in all:  
That she shall have; besides an argosy  
That now is lying in Marseilles' road.  
What, have I choked you with an argosy?"

"Gremio, 'tis known my father hath no less  
Than three great argosies; besides two galliases,  
And twelve tight galleys: these I will assure her,  
And twice as much, whate'er thou offer'st next."

"Nay, I have offer'd all, I have no more;  
And she can have no more than all I have:  
If you like me, she shall have me and mine."

"Why, then the maid is mine from all the world,  
By your firm promise: Gremio is out-vied."

"I must confess your offer is the best;  
And, let your father make her the assurance,  
She is your own; else, you must pardon me,  
if you should die before him, where's her dower?" Dr. Mario asked.

"That's but a cavil: he is old, I young." Luigi said.

"And may not young men die, as well as old?" Waluigi asked.

"Well, gentlemen,  
I am thus resolved: on Sunday next you know  
My daughter Katharina is to be married:  
Now, on the Sunday following, shall Bianca  
Be bride to you, if you this assurance;  
If not, Signior Gremio:  
And so, I take my leave, and thank you both." Dr. Mario said.

"Adieu, good neighbour." Waluigi said.

Dr. Mario nodded to both the men, then left the room, leaving them behind.

"Now I fear thee not:  
Sirrah young gamester, your father were a fool  
To give thee all, and in his waning age  
Set foot under thy table: tut, a toy!  
An old Italian fox is not so kind, my boy."

Waluigi left the room without another word.

"A vengeance on your crafty wither'd hide!  
Yet I have faced it with a card of ten.  
'Tis in my head to do my master good:  
I see no reason but supposed Lucentio  
Must get a father, call'd 'supposed Vincentio;'  
And that's a wonder: fathers commonly  
Do get their children; but in this case of wooing,  
A child shall get a sire, if I fail not of my cunning." Luigi declared.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


	19. TTOST: Act III

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

SCENE I. Padua. BAPTISTA'S house.

In one of the many nice rooms of the house, Mario and Wario taught Peach all that she needed to know.

"Fiddler, forbear; you grow too forward, sir:  
Have you so soon forgot the entertainment  
Her sister Katharina welcomed you withal?" Mario asked.

"But, wrangling pedant, this is  
The patroness of heavenly harmony:  
Then give me leave to have prerogative;  
And when in music we have spent an hour,  
Your lecture shall have leisure for as much." Wario said

"Preposterous ass, that never read so far  
To know the cause why music was ordain'd!  
Was it not to refresh the mind of man  
After his studies or his usual pain?  
Then give me leave to read philosophy,  
And while I pause, serve in your harmony."

"Sirrah, I will not bear these braves of thine."

"Why, gentlemen, you do me double wrong,  
To strive for that which resteth in my choice:  
I am no breeching scholar in the schools;  
I'll not be tied to hours nor 'pointed times,  
But learn my lessons as I please myself.  
And, to cut off all strife, here sit we down:  
Take you your instrument, play you the whiles;  
His lecture will be done ere you have tuned." Peach said.

"You'll leave his lecture when I am in tune?" Wario asked.

"That will be never: tune your instrument." Mario said.

"Where left we last?" Peach asked.

"Here, madam:  
'Hic ibat Simois; hic est Sigeia tellus;  
Hic steterat Priami regia celsa senis.'" Mario said.

"Construe them."

"'Hic ibat,' as I told you before, 'Simois,' I am  
Lucentio, 'hic est,' son unto Vincentio of Pisa,  
'Sigeia tellus,' disguised thus to get your love;  
'Hic steterat,' and that Lucentio that comes  
a-wooing, 'Priami,' is my man Tranio, 'regia,'  
bearing my port, 'celsa senis,' that we might  
beguile the old pantaloon."

"Madam, my instrument's in tune." Wario announced.

"Let's hear. O fie! the treble jars." Peach said.

"Spit in the hole, man, and tune again." Mario coughed, so only Wario could hear.

"Now let me see if I can construe it: 'Hic ibat  
Simois,' I know you not, 'hic est Sigeia tellus,' I  
trust you not; 'Hic steterat Priami,' take heed  
he hear us not, 'regia,' presume not, 'celsa senis,'  
despair not." Peach said.

"Madam, 'tis now in tune." Wario said.

"All but the base." Mario said.

"The base is right; 'tis the base knave that jars." Wario said.

"How fiery and forward our pedant is!  
Now, for my life, the knave doth court my love:  
Pedascule, I'll watch you better yet." Wario whispered to himself.

"In time I may believe, yet I mistrust." Peach said.

"Mistrust it not: for, sure, AEacides  
Was Ajax, call'd so from his grandfather." Mario said.

"I must believe my master; else, I promise you,  
I should be arguing still upon that doubt:  
But let it rest. Now, Licio, to you:  
Good masters, take it not unkindly, pray,  
That I have been thus pleasant with you both."

"You may go walk, and give me leave a while:  
My lessons make no music in three parts." Wario said.

"Are you so formal, sir? well, I must wait," Mario said. Then he walked away, and whispered to himself. "And watch withal; for, but I be deceived,  
Our fine musician groweth amorous."

"Madam, before you touch the instrument,  
To learn the order of my fingering,  
I must begin with rudiments of art;  
To teach you gamut in a briefer sort,  
More pleasant, pithy and effectual,  
Than hath been taught by any of my trade:  
And there it is in writing, fairly drawn." Wario said.

"Why, I am past my gamut long ago." Peach said.

"Yet read the gamut of Hortensio."

[Reads ''Gamut' I am, the ground of all accord,  
'A re,' to Plead Hortensio's passion;  
'B mi,' Bianca, take him for thy lord,  
'C fa ut,' that loves with all affection:  
'D sol re,' one clef, two notes have I:  
'E la mi,' show pity, or I die.'  
Call you this gamut? tut, I like it not:  
Old fashions please me best; I am not so nice,  
To change true rules for old inventions."

Then a servant entered the room.

"Mistress, your father prays you leave your books  
And help to dress your sister's chamber up:  
You know to-morrow is the wedding-day." The servant said.

"Farewell, sweet masters both; I must be gone." Peach said, before hurrying out of the room with the servant.

"Faith, mistress, then I have no cause to stay." Mario said, before leaving.

"But I have cause to pry into this pedant:  
Methinks he looks as though he were in love:  
Yet if thy thoughts, Bianca, be so humble  
To cast thy wandering eyes on every stale,  
Seize thee that list: if once I find thee ranging,  
Hortensio will be quit with thee by changing." Wario said.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SCENE II. Padua. Before BAPTISTA'S house.

Everybody stood outside Dr. Mario's house, waiting for Ganon. 

"[To TRANIO Signior Lucentio, this is the  
'pointed day.  
That Katharina and Petruchio should be married,  
And yet we hear not of our son-in-law.  
What will be said? what mockery will it be,  
To want the bridegroom when the priest attends  
To speak the ceremonial rites of marriage!  
What says Lucentio to this shame of ours?" Dr. Mario asked.

"No shame but mine: I must, forsooth, be forced  
To give my hand opposed against my heart  
Unto a mad-brain rudesby full of spleen;  
Who woo'd in haste and means to wed at leisure.  
I told you, I, he was a frantic fool,  
Hiding his bitter jests in blunt behavior:  
And, to be noted for a merry man,  
He'll woo a thousand, 'point the day of marriage,  
Make feasts, invite friends, and proclaim the banns;  
Yet never means to wed where he hath woo'd.  
Now must the world point at poor Katharina,  
And say, 'Lo, there is mad Petruchio's wife,  
If it would please him come and marry her!'" Samus said.

"Patience, good Katharina, and Baptista too.  
Upon my life, Petruchio means but well,  
Whatever fortune stays him from his word:  
Though he be blunt, I know him passing wise;  
Though he be merry, yet withal he's honest." Luigi said.

"Would Katharina had never seen him though!" Samus sobbed. She fled back into the house, crying. Peach, and most everybody else went in with her."Go, girl; I cannot blame thee now to weep;  
For such an injury would vex a very saint,  
Much more a shrew of thy impatient humour." Dr. Mario said.

Felious ran up, looking the way he usually does.

"Master, master! news, old news, and such news as  
you never heard of!" He cried.

"Is it new and old too? how may that be?" Dr. Mario asked.

"Why, is it not news, to hear of Petruchio's coming?"

"Is he come?""Why, no, sir."

"What then?"

"He is coming."

"When will he be here?"

"When he stands where I am and sees you there."

"But say, what to thine old news?" Luigi asked.

"Why, Petruchio is coming in a new hat and an old  
jerkin, a pair of old breeches thrice turned, a pair  
of boots that have been candle-cases, one buckled,  
another laced, an old rusty sword ta'en out of the  
town-armory, with a broken hilt, and chapeless;  
with two broken points: his horse hipped with an  
old mothy saddle and stirrups of no kindred;  
besides, possessed with the glanders and like to mose  
in the chine; troubled with the lampass, infected  
with the fashions, full of wingdalls, sped with  
spavins, rayed with yellows, past cure of the fives,  
stark spoiled with the staggers, begnawn with the  
bots, swayed in the back and shoulder-shotten;  
near-legged before and with, a half-chequed bit  
and a head-stall of sheeps leather which, being  
restrained to keep him from stumbling, hath been  
often burst and now repaired with knots; one girth  
six time pieced and a woman's crupper of velure,  
which hath two letters for her name fairly set down  
in studs, and here and there pieced with packthread."

"Who comes with him?" Dr. Mario asked.

"O, sir, his lackey, for all the world caparisoned  
like the horse; with a linen stock on one leg and a  
kersey boot-hose on the other, gartered with a red  
and blue list; an old hat and 'the humour of forty  
fancies' pricked in't for a feather: a monster, a  
very monster in apparel, and not like a Christian  
footboy or a gentleman's lackey."

"'Tis some odd humour pricks him to this fashion;  
Yet oftentimes he goes but mean-apparell'd." Luigi said.

"I am glad he's come, howsoe'er he comes." Dr. Mario declared.

"Why, sir, he comes not." Felious said.

"Didst thou not say he comes?"

"Who? that Petruchio came?"

"Ay, that Petruchio came."

"No, sir, I say his horse comes, with him on his back."

"Why, that's all one."

"Nay, by Saint Jamy,  
I hold you a penny,  
A horse and a man  
Is more than one,  
And yet not many."

Ganon, riding his half dead horse, and Marth, appeared, both dressed in a fool's clothing.

"Come, where be these gallants? who's at home?" Ganon asked.

"You are welcome, sir." Dr. Mario said.

"And yet I come not well."

"And yet you halt not."

"Not so well apparell'd  
As I wish you were." Luigi said.

"Were it better, I should rush in thus.  
But where is Kate? where is my lovely bride?  
How does my father? Gentles, methinks you frown:  
And wherefore gaze this goodly company,  
As if they saw some wondrous monument,  
Some comet or unusual prodigy?" Ganon asked.

"Why, sir, you know this is your wedding-day:  
First were we sad, fearing you would not come;  
Now sadder, that you come so unprovided.  
Fie, doff this habit, shame to your estate,  
An eye-sore to our solemn festival!" Dr. Mario cried.

"And tells us, what occasion of import  
Hath all so long detain'd you from your wife,  
And sent you hither so unlike yourself?" Luigi asked.

"Tedious it were to tell, and harsh to hear:  
Sufficeth I am come to keep my word,  
Though in some part enforced to digress;  
Which, at more leisure, I will so excuse  
As you shall well be satisfied withal.  
But where is Kate? I stay too long from her:  
The morning wears, 'tis time we were at church." Ganon said.

"See not your bride in these unreverent robes:  
Go to my chamber; Put on clothes of mine."

"Not I, believe me: thus I'll visit her."

"But thus, I trust, you will not marry her." Dr. Mario said.

"Good sooth, even thus; therefore ha' done with words:  
To me she's married, not unto my clothes:  
Could I repair what she will wear in me,  
As I can change these poor accoutrements,  
'Twere well for Kate and better for myself.  
But what a fool am I to chat with you,  
When I should bid good morrow to my bride,  
And seal the title with a lovely kiss!"

Ganon left, followed by the silent Marth, and left Dr. Mario and Luigi to themselves.

"He hath some meaning in his mad attire:  
We will persuade him, be it possible,  
To put on better ere he go to church." Luigi said.

"I'll after him, and see the event of this." Dr. Mario said.

Dr. Mario and everybody else left, leaving behind Mario and Luigi.

"But to her love concerneth us to add  
Her father's liking: which to bring to pass,  
As I before unparted to your worship,  
I am to get a man,--whate'er he be,  
It skills not much. we'll fit him to our turn,--  
And he shall be Vincentio of Pisa;  
And make assurance here in Padua  
Of greater sums than I have promised.  
So shall you quietly enjoy your hope,  
And marry sweet Bianca with consent." Luigi said.

"Were it not that my fellow-school-master  
Doth watch Bianca's steps so narrowly,  
'Twere good, methinks, to steal our marriage;  
Which once perform'd, let all the world say no,  
I'll keep mine own, despite of all the world." Mario said.

"That by degrees we mean to look into,  
And watch our vantage in this business:  
We'll over-reach the greybeard, Gremio,  
The narrow-prying father, Minola,  
The quaint musician, amorous Licio;  
All for my master's sake, Lucentio."

Waluigi reappeared.

"Signior Gremio, came you from the church?"

"As willingly as e'er I came from school." Waluigi said, his left eye twitching violently.

"And is the bride and bridegroom coming home?" Luigi asked.

"A bridegroom say you? 'tis a groom indeed,  
A grumbling groom, and that the girl shall find."

"Curster than she? why, 'tis impossible."

"Why he's a devil, a devil, a very fiend."

"Why, she's a devil, a devil, the devil's dam."

"Tut, she's a lamb, a dove, a fool to him!  
I'll tell you, Sir Lucentio: when the priest  
Should ask, if Katharina should be his wife,  
'Ay, by gogs-wouns,' quoth he; and swore so loud,  
That, all-amazed, the priest let fall the book;  
And, as he stoop'd again to take it up,  
The mad-brain'd bridegroom took him such a cuff  
That down fell priest and book and book and priest:  
'Now take them up,' quoth he, 'if any list.'"

"What said the wench when he rose again?"

"Trembled and shook; for why, he stamp'd and swore,  
As if the vicar meant to cozen him.  
But after many ceremonies done,  
He calls for wine: 'A health!' quoth he, as if  
He had been aboard, carousing to his mates  
After a storm; quaff'd off the muscadel  
And threw the sops all in the sexton's face;  
Having no other reason  
But that his beard grew thin and hungerly  
And seem'd to ask him sops as he was drinking.  
This done, he took the bride about the neck  
And kiss'd her lips with such a clamorous smack  
That at the parting all the church did echo:  
And I seeing this came thence for very shame;  
And after me, I know, the rout is coming.  
Such a mad marriage never was before:  
Hark, hark! I hear the minstrels play."

Music

Everybody else re-entered.

"Gentlemen and friends, I thank you for your pains:  
I know you think to dine with me to-day,  
And have prepared great store of wedding cheer;  
But so it is, my haste doth call me hence,  
And therefore here I mean to take my leave." Ganon explained.

"Is't possible you will away to-night?" Dr. Mario asked.

"I must away to-day, before night come:  
Make it no wonder; if you knew my business,  
You would entreat me rather go than stay.  
And, honest company, I thank you all,  
That have beheld me give away myself  
To this most patient, sweet and virtuous wife:  
Dine with my father, drink a health to me;  
For I must hence; and farewell to you all."

"Let us entreat you stay till after dinner." Luigi said.

"It may not be."

"Let me entreat you." Waluigi said

"It cannot be."

"Let me entreat you." Samus begged.

"I am content." Ganon smiled.

"Are you content to stay?" She asked.

"I am content you shall entreat me stay;  
But yet not stay, entreat me how you can." Ganon said.

"Now, if you love me, stay." Samus begged frantically.

"Grumio, my horse." Ganon ordered, ignoring her.

"Ay, sir, they be ready: the oats have eaten the horses." Marth said.

"Nay, then,  
Do what thou canst, I will not go to-day;  
No, nor to-morrow, not till I please myself.  
The door is open, sir; there lies your way;  
You may be jogging whiles your boots are green;  
For me, I'll not be gone till I please myself:  
'Tis like you'll prove a jolly surly groom,  
That take it on you at the first so roundly." Samus said.

"O Kate, content thee; prithee, be not angry." Ganon said.

"I will be angry: what hast thou to do?  
Father, be quiet; he shall stay my leisure."

"Ay, marry, sir, now it begins to work." Waluigi said.

"Gentlemen, forward to the bridal dinner:  
I see a woman may be made a fool,  
If she had not a spirit to resist."

"They shall go forward, Kate, at thy command.  
Obey the bride, you that attend on her;  
Go to the feast, revel and domineer,  
Carouse full measure to her maidenhead,  
Be mad and merry, or go hang yourselves:  
But for my bonny Kate, she must with me.  
Nay, look not big, nor stamp, nor stare, nor fret;  
I will be master of what is mine own:  
She is my goods, my chattels; she is my house,  
My household stuff, my field, my barn,  
My horse, my ox, my ass, my any thing;  
And here she stands, touch her whoever dare;  
I'll bring mine action on the proudest he  
That stops my way in Padua. Grumio,  
Draw forth thy weapon, we are beset with thieves;  
Rescue thy mistress, if thou be a man.  
Fear not, sweet wench, they shall not touch  
thee, Kate:  
I'll buckler thee against a million." Ganon promised.

Ganon, with Samus and Marth on two other horses, rode away.

"Nay, let them go, a couple of quiet ones." Dr. Mario said.

"Went they not quickly, I should die with laughing." Waluigi said.

"Of all mad matches never was the like." Luigi whistled.

"Mistress, what's your opinion of your sister?" Mario asked Peach

"That, being mad herself, she's madly mated." Peach said

"I warrant him, Petruchio is Kated." Waluigi said.

"Neighbours and friends, though bride and  
bridegroom wants  
For to supply the places at the table,  
You know there wants no junkets at the feast.  
Lucentio, you shall supply the bridegroom's place:  
And let Bianca take her sister's room." Dr. Mario said.

"Shall sweet Bianca practise how to bride it?" Luigi asked.

"She shall, Lucentio. Come, gentlemen, let's go." Dr. Mario said.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


	20. TTOST: Act IV

**Minor notes: Right now, I care not about who's saying what. Look at the Who's who list in the introduction if you're lost.**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

SCENE I. PETRUCHIO'S country house.

Enter GRUMIO  
GRUMIO  
Fie, fie on all tired jades, on all mad masters, and  
all foul ways! Was ever man so beaten? was ever  
man so rayed? was ever man so weary? I am sent  
before to make a fire, and they are coming after to  
warm them. Now, were not I a little pot and soon  
hot, my very lips might freeze to my teeth, my  
tongue to the roof of my mouth, my heart in my  
belly, ere I should come by a fire to thaw me: but  
I, with blowing the fire, shall warm myself; for,  
considering the weather, a taller man than I will  
take cold. Holla, ho! Curtis.

Enter CURTIS

CURTIS  
Who is that calls so coldly?

GRUMIO  
A piece of ice: if thou doubt it, thou mayst slide  
from my shoulder to my heel with no greater a run  
but my head and my neck. A fire good Curtis.

CURTIS  
Is my master and his wife coming, Grumio?

GRUMIO  
O, ay, Curtis, ay: and therefore fire, fire; cast  
on no water.

CURTIS  
Is she so hot a shrew as she's reported?

GRUMIO  
She was, good Curtis, before this frost: but, thou  
knowest, winter tames man, woman and beast; for it  
hath tamed my old master and my new mistress and  
myself, fellow Curtis.

CURTIS  
Away, you three-inch fool! I am no beast.

GRUMIO  
Am I but three inches? why, thy horn is a foot; and  
so long am I at the least. But wilt thou make a  
fire, or shall I complain on thee to our mistress,  
whose hand, she being now at hand, thou shalt soon  
feel, to thy cold comfort, for being slow in thy hot office?

CURTIS   
I prithee, good Grumio, tell me, how goes the world?

GRUMIO   
A cold world, Curtis, in every office but thine; and  
therefore fire: do thy duty, and have thy duty; for  
my master and mistress are almost frozen to death.

CURTIS  
There's fire ready; and therefore, good Grumio, the news.

GRUMIO  
Why, 'Jack, boy! ho! boy!' and as much news as  
will thaw.

CURTIS  
Come, you are so full of cony-catching!

GRUMIO  
Why, therefore fire; for I have caught extreme cold.  
Where's the cook? is supper ready, the house  
trimmed, rushes strewed, cobwebs swept; the  
serving-men in their new fustian, their white  
stockings, and every officer his wedding-garment on?  
Be the jacks fair within, the jills fair without,  
the carpets laid, and every thing in order?

CURTIS  
All ready; and therefore, I pray thee, news.

GRUMIO  
First, know, my horse is tired; my master and  
mistress fallen out.

CURTIS  
How?

GRUMIO  
Out of their saddles into the dirt; and thereby  
hangs a tale.

CURTIS   
Let's ha't, good Grumio.

GRUMIO  
Lend thine ear.

CURTIS  
Here.

GRUMIO  
There.

Strikes him

CURTIS  
This is to feel a tale, not to hear a tale.

GRUMIO  
And therefore 'tis called a sensible tale: and this  
cuff was but to knock at your ear, and beseech  
listening. Now I begin: Imprimis, we came down a  
foul hill, my master riding behind my mistress,--

CURTIS  
Both of one horse?

GRUMIO   
What's that to thee?

CURTIS  
Why, a horse.

GRUMIO   
Tell thou the tale: but hadst thou not crossed me,  
thou shouldst have heard how her horse fell and she  
under her horse; thou shouldst have heard in how  
miry a place, how she was bemoiled, how he left her  
with the horse upon her, how he beat me because  
her horse stumbled, how she waded through the dirt  
to pluck him off me, how he swore, how she prayed,  
that never prayed before, how I cried, how the  
horses ran away, how her bridle was burst, how I  
lost my crupper, with many things of worthy memory,  
which now shall die in oblivion and thou return  
unexperienced to thy grave.

CURTIS  
By this reckoning he is more shrew than she.

GRUMIO  
Ay; and that thou and the proudest of you all shall  
find when he comes home. But what talk I of this?  
Call forth Nathaniel, Joseph, Nicholas, Philip,  
Walter, Sugarsop and the rest: let their heads be  
sleekly combed their blue coats brushed and their  
garters of an indifferent knit: let them curtsy  
with their left legs and not presume to touch a hair  
of my master's horse-tail till they kiss their  
hands. Are they all ready?

CURTIS  
They are.

GRUMIO  
Call them forth.

CURTIS  
Do you hear, ho? you must meet my master to  
countenance my mistress.

GRUMIO  
Why, she hath a face of her own.

CURTIS   
Who knows not that?

GRUMIO  
Thou, it seems, that calls for company to  
countenance her.

CURTIS  
I call them forth to credit her.

GRUMIO  
Why, she comes to borrow nothing of them.

Enter four or five Serving-men

NATHANIEL   
Welcome home, Grumio!

PHILIP  
How now, Grumio!

JOSEPH   
What, Grumio!

NICHOLAS  
Fellow Grumio!

NATHANIEL   
How now, old lad?

GRUMIO  
Welcome, you;--how now, you;-- what, you;--fellow,  
you;--and thus much for greeting. Now, my spruce  
companions, is all ready, and all things neat?

NATHANIEL  
All things is ready. How near is our master?

GRUMIO  
E'en at hand, alighted by this; and therefore be  
not--Cock's passion, silence! I hear my master.

Enter PETRUCHIO and KATHARINA

PETRUCHIO  
Where be these knaves? What, no man at door  
To hold my stirrup nor to take my horse!  
Where is Nathaniel, Gregory, Philip?  
ALL SERVING-MEN Here, here, sir; here, sir.

PETRUCHIO  
Here, sir! here, sir! here, sir! here, sir!  
You logger-headed and unpolish'd grooms!  
What, no attendance? no regard? no duty?  
Where is the foolish knave I sent before?

GRUMIO  
Here, sir; as foolish as I was before.

PETRUCHIO  
You peasant swain! you whoreson malt-horse drudge!  
Did I not bid thee meet me in the park,  
And bring along these rascal knaves with thee?

GRUMIO   
Nathaniel's coat, sir, was not fully made,  
And Gabriel's pumps were all unpink'd i' the heel;  
There was no link to colour Peter's hat,  
And Walter's dagger was not come from sheathing:  
There were none fine but Adam, Ralph, and Gregory;  
The rest were ragged, old, and beggarly;  
Yet, as they are, here are they come to meet you.

PETRUCHIO  
Go, rascals, go, and fetch my supper in.

Exeunt Servants

Singing

Where is the life that late I led--  
Where are those--Sit down, Kate, and welcome.--  
Sound, sound, sound, sound!

Re-enter Servants with supper

Why, when, I say? Nay, good sweet Kate, be merry.  
Off with my boots, you rogues! you villains, when?

Sings

It was the friar of orders grey,  
As he forth walked on his way:--  
Out, you rogue! you pluck my foot awry:  
Take that, and mend the plucking off the other.

Strikes him

Be merry, Kate. Some water, here; what, ho!  
Where's my spaniel Troilus? Sirrah, get you hence,  
And bid my cousin Ferdinand come hither:  
One, Kate, that you must kiss, and be acquainted with.  
Where are my slippers? Shall I have some water?

Enter one with water

Come, Kate, and wash, and welcome heartily.  
You whoreson villain! will you let it fall?

Strikes him

KATHARINA  
Patience, I pray you; 'twas a fault unwilling.

PETRUCHIO  
A whoreson beetle-headed, flap-ear'd knave!  
Come, Kate, sit down; I know you have a stomach.  
Will you give thanks, sweet Kate; or else shall I?  
What's this? mutton?

First Servant  
Ay.

PETRUCHIO   
Who brought it?

PETER  
I.

PETRUCHIO  
'Tis burnt; and so is all the meat.  
What dogs are these! Where is the rascal cook?  
How durst you, villains, bring it from the dresser,  
And serve it thus to me that love it not?  
Theretake it to you, trenchers, cups, and all;

Throws the meat, & c. about the stage

You heedless joltheads and unmanner'd slaves!  
What, do you grumble? I'll be with you straight.

KATHARINA  
I pray you, husband, be not so disquiet:  
The meat was well, if you were so contented.

PETRUCHIO   
I tell thee, Kate, 'twas burnt and dried away;  
And I expressly am forbid to touch it,  
For it engenders choler, planteth anger;  
And better 'twere that both of us did fast,  
Since, of ourselves, ourselves are choleric,  
Than feed it with such over-roasted flesh.  
Be patient; to-morrow 't shall be mended,  
And, for this night, we'll fast for company:  
Come, I will bring thee to thy bridal chamber.

Exeunt

Re-enter Servants severally

NATHANIEL  
Peter, didst ever see the like?

PETER   
He kills her in her own humour.

Re-enter CURTIS

GRUMIO   
Where is he?

CURTIS  
In her chamber, making a sermon of continency to her;  
And rails, and swears, and rates, that she, poor soul,  
Knows not which way to stand, to look, to speak,  
And sits as one new-risen from a dream.  
Away, away! for he is coming hither.

Exeunt

Re-enter PETRUCHIO

PETRUCHIO   
Thus have I politicly begun my reign,  
And 'tis my hope to end successfully.  
My falcon now is sharp and passing empty;  
And till she stoop she must not be full-gorged,  
For then she never looks upon her lure.  
Another way I have to man my haggard,  
To make her come and know her keeper's call,  
That is, to watch her, as we watch these kites  
That bate and beat and will not be obedient.  
She eat no meat to-day, nor none shall eat;  
Last night she slept not, nor to-night she shall not;  
As with the meat, some undeserved fault  
I'll find about the making of the bed;  
And here I'll fling the pillow, there the bolster,  
This way the coverlet, another way the sheets:  
Ay, and amid this hurly I intend  
That all is done in reverend care of her;  
And in conclusion she shall watch all night:  
And if she chance to nod I'll rail and brawl  
And with the clamour keep her still awake.  
This is a way to kill a wife with kindness;  
And thus I'll curb her mad and headstrong humour.  
He that knows better how to tame a shrew,  
Now let him speak: 'tis charity to show.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SCENE II. Padua. Before BAPTISTA'S house.

Enter TRANIO and HORTENSIO   
TRANIO  
Is't possible, friend Licio, that Mistress Bianca  
Doth fancy any other but Lucentio?  
I tell you, sir, she bears me fair in hand.

HORTENSIO  
Sir, to satisfy you in what I have said,  
Stand by and mark the manner of his teaching.

Enter BIANCA and LUCENTIO

LUCENTIO  
Now, mistress, profit you in what you read?

BIANCA  
What, master, read you? first resolve me that.

LUCENTIO  
I read that I profess, the Art to Love.

BIANCA  
And may you prove, sir, master of your art!

LUCENTIO  
While you, sweet dear, prove mistress of my heart!

HORTENSIO  
Quick proceeders, marry! Now, tell me, I pray,  
You that durst swear at your mistress Bianca  
Loved none in the world so well as Lucentio.

TRANIO  
O despiteful love! unconstant womankind!  
I tell thee, Licio, this is wonderful.

HORTENSIO  
Mistake no more: I am not Licio,  
Nor a musician, as I seem to be;  
But one that scorn to live in this disguise,  
For such a one as leaves a gentleman,  
And makes a god of such a cullion:  
Know, sir, that I am call'd Hortensio.

TRANIO   
Signior Hortensio, I have often heard  
Of your entire affection to Bianca;  
And since mine eyes are witness of her lightness,  
I will with you, if you be so contented,  
Forswear Bianca and her love for ever.

HORTENSIO  
See, how they kiss and court! Signior Lucentio,  
Here is my hand, and here I firmly vow  
Never to woo her no more, but do forswear her,  
As one unworthy all the former favours  
That I have fondly flatter'd her withal.

TRANIO   
And here I take the unfeigned oath,  
Never to marry with her though she would entreat:  
Fie on her! see, how beastly she doth court him!

HORTENSIO  
Would all the world but he had quite forsworn!  
For me, that I may surely keep mine oath,  
I will be married to a wealthy widow,  
Ere three days pass, which hath as long loved me  
As I have loved this proud disdainful haggard.  
And so farewell, Signior Lucentio.  
Kindness in women, not their beauteous looks,  
Shall win my love: and so I take my leave,  
In resolution as I swore before.

Exit

TRANIO  
Mistress Bianca, bless you with such grace  
As 'longeth to a lover's blessed case!  
Nay, I have ta'en you napping, gentle love,  
And have forsworn you with Hortensio.

BIANCA  
Tranio, you jest: but have you both forsworn me?

TRANIO  
Mistress, we have.

LUCENTIO  
Then we are rid of Licio.

TRANIO  
I' faith, he'll have a lusty widow now,  
That shall be wood and wedded in a day.

BIANCA  
God give him joy!

TRANIO  
Ay, and he'll tame her.

BIANCA  
He says so, Tranio.

TRANIO   
Faith, he is gone unto the taming-school.

BIANCA  
The taming-school! what, is there such a place?

TRANIO  
Ay, mistress, and Petruchio is the master;  
That teacheth tricks eleven and twenty long,  
To tame a shrew and charm her chattering tongue.

Enter BIONDELLO

BIONDELLO  
O master, master, I have watch'd so long  
That I am dog-weary: but at last I spied  
An ancient angel coming down the hill,  
Will serve the turn.

TRANIO   
What is he, Biondello?

BIONDELLO  
Master, a mercatante, or a pedant,  
I know not what; but format in apparel,  
In gait and countenance surely like a father.

LUCENTIO  
And what of him, Tranio?

TRANIO  
If he be credulous and trust my tale,  
I'll make him glad to seem Vincentio,  
And give assurance to Baptista Minola,  
As if he were the right Vincentio  
Take in your love, and then let me alone.

Exeunt LUCENTIO and BIANCA

Enter a Pedant

Pedant  
God save you, sir!

TRANIO  
And you, sir! you are welcome.  
Travel you far on, or are you at the farthest?

Pedant  
Sir, at the farthest for a week or two:  
But then up farther, and as for as Rome;  
And so to Tripoli, if God lend me life.

TRANIO  
What countryman, I pray?

Pedant  
Of Mantua.

TRANIO  
Of Mantua, sir? marry, God forbid!  
And come to Padua, careless of your life?

Pedant  
My life, sir! how, I pray? for that goes hard.

TRANIO  
'Tis death for any one in Mantua  
To come to Padua. Know you not the cause?  
Your ships are stay'd at Venice, and the duke,  
For private quarrel 'twixt your duke and him,  
Hath publish'd and proclaim'd it openly:  
'Tis, marvel, but that you are but newly come,  
You might have heard it else proclaim'd about.

Pedant  
Alas! sir, it is worse for me than so;  
For I have bills for money by exchange  
From Florence and must here deliver them.

TRANIO  
Well, sir, to do you courtesy,  
This will I do, and this I will advise you:  
First, tell me, have you ever been at Pisa?

Pedant  
Ay, sir, in Pisa have I often been,  
Pisa renowned for grave citizens.

TRANIO  
Among them know you one Vincentio?

Pedant  
I know him not, but I have heard of him;  
A merchant of incomparable wealth.

TRANIO   
He is my father, sir; and, sooth to say,  
In countenance somewhat doth resemble you.

BIONDELLO  
[Aside As much as an apple doth an oyster,  
and all one.

TRANIO  
To save your life in this extremity,  
This favour will I do you for his sake;  
And think it not the worst of an your fortunes  
That you are like to Sir Vincentio.  
His name and credit shall you undertake,  
And in my house you shall be friendly lodged:  
Look that you take upon you as you should;  
You understand me, sir: so shall you stay  
Till you have done your business in the city:  
If this be courtesy, sir, accept of it.

Pedant  
O sir, I do; and will repute you ever  
The patron of my life and liberty.

TRANIO  
Then go with me to make the matter good.  
This, by the way, I let you understand;  
my father is here look'd for every day,  
To pass assurance of a dower in marriage  
'Twixt me and one Baptista's daughter here:  
In all these circumstances I'll instruct you:  
Go with me to clothe you as becomes you.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SCENE III. A room in PETRUCHIO'S house.

Enter KATHARINA and GRUMIO  
GRUMIO  
No, no, forsooth; I dare not for my life.

KATHARINA  
The more my wrong, the more his spite appears:  
What, did he marry me to famish me?  
Beggars, that come unto my father's door,  
Upon entreaty have a present aims;  
If not, elsewhere they meet with charity:  
But I, who never knew how to entreat,  
Nor never needed that I should entreat,  
Am starved for meat, giddy for lack of sleep,  
With oath kept waking and with brawling fed:  
And that which spites me more than all these wants,  
He does it under name of perfect love;  
As who should say, if I should sleep or eat,  
'Twere deadly sickness or else present death.  
I prithee go and get me some repast;  
I care not what, so it be wholesome food.

GRUMIO  
What say you to a neat's foot?

KATHARINA  
'Tis passing good: I prithee let me have it.

GRUMIO  
I fear it is too choleric a meat.  
How say you to a fat tripe finely broil'd?

KATHARINA  
I like it well: good Grumio, fetch it me.

GRUMIO  
I cannot tell; I fear 'tis choleric.  
What say you to a piece of beef and mustard?

KATHARINA  
A dish that I do love to feed upon.

GRUMIO  
Ay, but the mustard is too hot a little.

KATHARINA  
Why then, the beef, and let the mustard rest.

GRUMIO  
Nay then, I will not: you shall have the mustard,  
Or else you get no beef of Grumio.

KATHARINA  
Then both, or one, or any thing thou wilt.

GRUMIO  
Why then, the mustard without the beef.

KATHARINA  
Go, get thee gone, thou false deluding slave,

Beats him

That feed'st me with the very name of meat:  
Sorrow on thee and all the pack of you,  
That triumph thus upon my misery!  
Go, get thee gone, I say.

Enter PETRUCHIO and HORTENSIO with meat

PETRUCHIO   
How fares my Kate? What, sweeting, all amort?

HORTENSIO   
Mistress, what cheer?

KATHARINA  
Faith, as cold as can be.

PETRUCHIO  
Pluck up thy spirits; look cheerfully upon me.  
Here love; thou see'st how diligent I am  
To dress thy meat myself and bring it thee:  
I am sure, sweet Kate, this kindness merits thanks.  
What, not a word? Nay, then thou lovest it not;  
And all my pains is sorted to no proof.  
Here, take away this dish.

KATHARINA  
I pray you, let it stand.

PETRUCHIO   
The poorest service is repaid with thanks;  
And so shall mine, before you touch the meat.

KATHARINA  
I thank you, sir.

HORTENSIO  
Signior Petruchio, fie! you are to blame.  
Come, mistress Kate, I'll bear you company.

PETRUCHIO   
[Aside Eat it up all, Hortensio, if thou lovest me.  
Much good do it unto thy gentle heart!  
Kate, eat apace: and now, my honey love,  
Will we return unto thy father's house  
And revel it as bravely as the best,  
With silken coats and caps and golden rings,  
With ruffs and cuffs and fardingales and things;  
With scarfs and fans and double change of bravery,  
With amber bracelets, beads and all this knavery.  
What, hast thou dined? The tailor stays thy leisure,  
To deck thy body with his ruffling treasure.

Enter Tailor

Come, tailor, let us see these ornaments;  
Lay forth the gown.

Enter Haberdasher

What news with you, sir?

Haberdasher  
Here is the cap your worship did bespeak.

PETRUCHIO  
Why, this was moulded on a porringer;  
A velvet dish: fie, fie! 'tis lewd and filthy:  
Why, 'tis a cockle or a walnut-shell,  
A knack, a toy, a trick, a baby's cap:  
Away with it! come, let me have a bigger.

KATHARINA   
I'll have no bigger: this doth fit the time,  
And gentlewomen wear such caps as these

PETRUCHIO  
When you are gentle, you shall have one too,  
And not till then.

HORTENSIO  
[Aside That will not be in haste.

KATHARINA  
Why, sir, I trust I may have leave to speak;  
And speak I will; I am no child, no babe:  
Your betters have endured me say my mind,  
And if you cannot, best you stop your ears.  
My tongue will tell the anger of my heart,  
Or else my heart concealing it will break,  
And rather than it shall, I will be free  
Even to the uttermost, as I please, in words.

PETRUCHIO  
Why, thou say'st true; it is a paltry cap,  
A custard-coffin, a bauble, a silken pie:  
I love thee well, in that thou likest it not.

KATHARINA  
Love me or love me not, I like the cap;  
And it I will have, or I will have none.

Exit Haberdasher

PETRUCHIO  
Thy gown? why, ay: come, tailor, let us see't.  
O mercy, God! what masquing stuff is here?  
What's this? a sleeve? 'tis like a demi-cannon:  
What, up and down, carved like an apple-tart?  
Here's snip and nip and cut and slish and slash,  
Like to a censer in a barber's shop:  
Why, what, i' devil's name, tailor, call'st thou this?

HORTENSIO   
[Aside I see she's like to have neither cap nor gown.

Tailor   
You bid me make it orderly and well,  
According to the fashion and the time.

PETRUCHIO  
Marry, and did; but if you be remember'd,  
I did not bid you mar it to the time.  
Go, hop me over every kennel home,  
For you shall hop without my custom, sir:  
I'll none of it: hence! make your best of it.

KATHARINA   
I never saw a better-fashion'd gown,  
More quaint, more pleasing, nor more commendable:  
Belike you mean to make a puppet of me.

PETRUCHIO  
Why, true; he means to make a puppet of thee.

Tailor  
She says your worship means to make  
a puppet of her.

PETRUCHIO  
O monstrous arrogance! Thou liest, thou thread,  
thou thimble,  
Thou yard, three-quarters, half-yard, quarter, nail!  
Thou flea, thou nit, thou winter-cricket thou!  
Braved in mine own house with a skein of thread?  
Away, thou rag, thou quantity, thou remnant;  
Or I shall so be-mete thee with thy yard  
As thou shalt think on prating whilst thou livest!  
I tell thee, I, that thou hast marr'd her gown.

Tailor  
Your worship is deceived; the gown is made  
Just as my master had direction:  
Grumio gave order how it should be done.

GRUMIO   
I gave him no order; I gave him the stuff.

Tailor  
But how did you desire it should be made?

GRUMIO  
Marry, sir, with needle and thread.

Tailor  
But did you not request to have it cut?

GRUMIO  
Thou hast faced many things.

Tailor   
I have.

GRUMIO  
Face not me: thou hast braved many men; brave not  
me; I will neither be faced nor braved. I say unto  
thee, I bid thy master cut out the gown; but I did  
not bid him cut it to pieces: ergo, thou liest.

Tailor  
Why, here is the note of the fashion to testify

PETRUCHIO  
Read it.

GRUMIO   
The note lies in's throat, if he say I said so.

Tailor   
[Reads 'Imprimis, a loose-bodied gown:'

GRUMIO  
Master, if ever I said loose-bodied gown, sew me in  
the skirts of it, and beat me to death with a bottom  
of brown thread: I said a gown.

PETRUCHIO  
Proceed.

Tailor  
[Reads 'With a small compassed cape:'

GRUMIO  
I confess the cape.

Tailor   
[Reads 'With a trunk sleeve:'

GRUMIO  
I confess two sleeves.

Tailor  
[Reads 'The sleeves curiously cut.'

PETRUCHIO  
Ay, there's the villany.

GRUMIO   
Error i' the bill, sir; error i' the bill.  
I commanded the sleeves should be cut out and  
sewed up again; and that I'll prove upon thee,  
though thy little finger be armed in a thimble.

Tailor   
This is true that I say: an I had thee  
in place where, thou shouldst know it.

GRUMIO  
I am for thee straight: take thou the  
bill, give me thy mete-yard, and spare not me.

HORTENSIO   
God-a-mercy, Grumio! then he shall have no odds.

PETRUCHIO   
Well, sir, in brief, the gown is not for me.

GRUMIO  
You are i' the right, sir: 'tis for my mistress.

PETRUCHIO  
Go, take it up unto thy master's use.

GRUMIO  
Villain, not for thy life: take up my mistress'  
gown for thy master's use!

PETRUCHIO  
Why, sir, what's your conceit in that?

GRUMIO  
O, sir, the conceit is deeper than you think for:  
Take up my mistress' gown to his master's use!  
O, fie, fie, fie!

PETRUCHIO  
[Aside Hortensio, say thou wilt see the tailor paid.  
Go take it hence; be gone, and say no more.

HORTENSIO  
Tailor, I'll pay thee for thy gown tomorrow:  
Take no unkindness of his hasty words:  
Away! I say; commend me to thy master.

Exit Tailor

PETRUCHIO  
Well, come, my Kate; we will unto your father's  
Even in these honest mean habiliments:  
Our purses shall be proud, our garments poor;  
For 'tis the mind that makes the body rich;  
And as the sun breaks through the darkest clouds,  
So honour peereth in the meanest habit.  
What is the jay more precious than the lark,  
Because his fathers are more beautiful?  
Or is the adder better than the eel,  
Because his painted skin contents the eye?  
O, no, good Kate; neither art thou the worse  
For this poor furniture and mean array.  
if thou account'st it shame. lay it on me;  
And therefore frolic: we will hence forthwith,  
To feast and sport us at thy father's house.  
Go, call my men, and let us straight to him;  
And bring our horses unto Long-lane end;  
There will we mount, and thither walk on foot  
Let's see; I think 'tis now some seven o'clock,  
And well we may come there by dinner-time.

KATHARINA  
I dare assure you, sir, 'tis almost two;  
And 'twill be supper-time ere you come there.

PETRUCHIO   
It shall be seven ere I go to horse:  
Look, what I speak, or do, or think to do,  
You are still crossing it. Sirs, let't alone:  
I will not go to-day; and ere I do,  
It shall be what o'clock I say it is.

HORTENSIO  
[Aside Why, so this gallant will command the sun.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SCENE IV. Padua. Before BAPTISTA'S house.

Enter TRANIO, and the Pedant dressed like VINCENTIO  
TRANIO  
Sir, this is the house: please it you that I call?

Pedant  
Ay, what else? and but I be deceived  
Signior Baptista may remember me,  
Near twenty years ago, in Genoa,  
Where we were lodgers at the Pegasus.

TRANIO  
'Tis well; and hold your own, in any case,  
With such austerity as 'longeth to a father.

Pedant   
I warrant you.

Enter BIONDELLO

But, sir, here comes your boy;  
'Twere good he were school'd.

TRANIO  
Fear you not him. Sirrah Biondello,  
Now do your duty throughly, I advise you:  
Imagine 'twere the right Vincentio.

BIONDELLO  
Tut, fear not me.

TRANIO  
But hast thou done thy errand to Baptista?

BIONDELLO  
I told him that your father was at Venice,  
And that you look'd for him this day in Padua.

TRANIO   
Thou'rt a tall fellow: hold thee that to drink.  
Here comes Baptista: set your countenance, sir.

Enter BAPTISTA and LUCENTIO

Signior Baptista, you are happily met.

To the Pedant

Sir, this is the gentleman I told you of:  
I pray you stand good father to me now,  
Give me Bianca for my patrimony.

Pedant  
Soft son!  
Sir, by your leave: having come to Padua  
To gather in some debts, my son Lucentio  
Made me acquainted with a weighty cause  
Of love between your daughter and himself:  
And, for the good report I hear of you  
And for the love he beareth to your daughter  
And she to him, to stay him not too long,  
I am content, in a good father's care,  
To have him match'd; and if you please to like  
No worse than I, upon some agreement  
Me shall you find ready and willing  
With one consent to have her so bestow'd;  
For curious I cannot be with you,  
Signior Baptista, of whom I hear so well.

BAPTISTA  
Sir, pardon me in what I have to say:  
Your plainness and your shortness please me well.  
Right true it is, your son Lucentio here  
Doth love my daughter and she loveth him,  
Or both dissemble deeply their affections:  
And therefore, if you say no more than this,  
That like a father you will deal with him  
And pass my daughter a sufficient dower,  
The match is made, and all is done:  
Your son shall have my daughter with consent.

TRANIO  
I thank you, sir. Where then do you know best  
We be affied and such assurance ta'en  
As shall with either part's agreement stand?

BAPTISTA   
Not in my house, Lucentio; for, you know,  
Pitchers have ears, and I have many servants:  
Besides, old Gremio is hearkening still;  
And happily we might be interrupted.

TRANIO  
Then at my lodging, an it like you:  
There doth my father lie; and there, this night,  
We'll pass the business privately and well.  
Send for your daughter by your servant here:  
My boy shall fetch the scrivener presently.  
The worst is this, that, at so slender warning,  
You are like to have a thin and slender pittance.

BAPTISTA  
It likes me well. Biondello, hie you home,  
And bid Bianca make her ready straight;  
And, if you will, tell what hath happened,  
Lucentio's father is arrived in Padua,  
And how she's like to be Lucentio's wife.

BIONDELLO   
I pray the gods she may with all my heart!

TRANIO  
Dally not with the gods, but get thee gone.

Exit BIONDELLO

Signior Baptista, shall I lead the way?  
Welcome! one mess is like to be your cheer:  
Come, sir; we will better it in Pisa.

BAPTISTA   
I follow you.

Exeunt TRANIO, Pedant, and BAPTISTA

Re-enter BIONDELLO

BIONDELLO   
Cambio!

LUCENTIO  
What sayest thou, Biondello?

BIONDELLO  
You saw my master wink and laugh upon you?

LUCENTIO  
Biondello, what of that?

BIONDELLO   
Faith, nothing; but has left me here behind, to  
expound the meaning or moral of his signs and tokens.

LUCENTIO  
I pray thee, moralize them.

BIONDELLO  
Then thus. Baptista is safe, talking with the  
deceiving father of a deceitful son.

LUCENTIO  
And what of him?

BIONDELLO  
His daughter is to be brought by you to the supper.

LUCENTIO  
And then?

BIONDELLO  
The old priest of Saint Luke's church is at your  
command at all hours.

LUCENTIO  
And what of all this?

BIONDELLO  
I cannot tell; expect they are busied about a  
counterfeit assurance: take you assurance of her,  
'cum privilegio ad imprimendum solum:' to the  
church; take the priest, clerk, and some sufficient  
honest witnesses: If this be not that you look for,  
I have no more to say, But bid Bianca farewell for  
ever and a day.

LUCENTIO  
Hearest thou, Biondello?

BIONDELLO  
I cannot tarry: I knew a wench married in an  
afternoon as she went to the garden for parsley to  
stuff a rabbit; and so may you, sir: and so, adieu,  
sir. My master hath appointed me to go to Saint  
Luke's, to bid the priest be ready to come against  
you come with your appendix.

Exit

LUCENTIO  
I may, and will, if she be so contented:  
She will be pleased; then wherefore should I doubt?  
Hap what hap may, I'll roundly go about her:  
It shall go hard if Cambio go without her.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SCENE V. A public road.

Enter PETRUCHIO, KATHARINA, HORTENSIO, and Servants  
PETRUCHIO  
Come on, i' God's name; once more toward our father's.  
Good Lord, how bright and goodly shines the moon!

KATHARINA  
The moon! the sun: it is not moonlight now.

PETRUCHIO  
I say it is the moon that shines so bright.

KATHARINA  
I know it is the sun that shines so bright.

PETRUCHIO  
Now, by my mother's son, and that's myself,  
It shall be moon, or star, or what I list,  
Or ere I journey to your father's house.  
Go on, and fetch our horses back again.  
Evermore cross'd and cross'd; nothing but cross'd!

HORTENSIO  
Say as he says, or we shall never go.

KATHARINA  
Forward, I pray, since we have come so far,  
And be it moon, or sun, or what you please:  
An if you please to call it a rush-candle,  
Henceforth I vow it shall be so for me.

PETRUCHIO  
I say it is the moon.

KATHARINA   
I know it is the moon.

PETRUCHIO  
Nay, then you lie: it is the blessed sun.

KATHARINA  
Then, God be bless'd, it is the blessed sun:  
But sun it is not, when you say it is not;  
And the moon changes even as your mind.  
What you will have it named, even that it is;  
And so it shall be so for Katharina.

HORTENSIO   
Petruchio, go thy ways; the field is won.

PETRUCHIO  
Well, forward, forward! thus the bowl should run,  
And not unluckily against the bias.  
But, soft! company is coming here.

Enter VINCENTIO

To VINCENTIO

Good morrow, gentle mistress: where away?  
Tell me, sweet Kate, and tell me truly too,  
Hast thou beheld a fresher gentlewoman?  
Such war of white and red within her cheeks!  
What stars do spangle heaven with such beauty,  
As those two eyes become that heavenly face?  
Fair lovely maid, once more good day to thee.  
Sweet Kate, embrace her for her beauty's sake.

HORTENSIO  
A' will make the man mad, to make a woman of him.

KATHARINA  
Young budding virgin, fair and fresh and sweet,  
Whither away, or where is thy abode?  
Happy the parents of so fair a child;  
Happier the man, whom favourable stars  
Allot thee for his lovely bed-fellow!

PETRUCHIO  
Why, how now, Kate! I hope thou art not mad:  
This is a man, old, wrinkled, faded, wither'd,  
And not a maiden, as thou say'st he is.

KATHARINA  
Pardon, old father, my mistaking eyes,  
That have been so bedazzled with the sun  
That everything I look on seemeth green:  
Now I perceive thou art a reverend father;  
Pardon, I pray thee, for my mad mistaking.

PETRUCHIO  
Do, good old grandsire; and withal make known  
Which way thou travellest: if along with us,  
We shall be joyful of thy company.

VINCENTIO  
Fair sir, and you my merry mistress,  
That with your strange encounter much amazed me,  
My name is call'd Vincentio; my dwelling Pisa;  
And bound I am to Padua; there to visit  
A son of mine, which long I have not seen.

PETRUCHIO  
What is his name?

VINCENTIO   
Lucentio, gentle sir.

PETRUCHIO  
Happily we met; the happier for thy son.  
And now by law, as well as reverend age,  
I may entitle thee my loving father:  
The sister to my wife, this gentlewoman,  
Thy son by this hath married. Wonder not,  
Nor be grieved: she is of good esteem,  
Her dowery wealthy, and of worthy birth;  
Beside, so qualified as may beseem  
The spouse of any noble gentleman.  
Let me embrace with old Vincentio,  
And wander we to see thy honest son,  
Who will of thy arrival be full joyous.

VINCENTIO  
But is it true? or else is it your pleasure,  
Like pleasant travellers, to break a jest  
Upon the company you overtake?

HORTENSIO  
I do assure thee, father, so it is.

PETRUCHIO  
Come, go along, and see the truth hereof;  
For our first merriment hath made thee jealous.

Exeunt all but HORTENSIO

HORTENSIO  
Well, Petruchio, this has put me in heart.  
Have to my widow! and if she be froward,  
Then hast thou taught Hortensio to be untoward.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


	21. TTOST: Act V

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

SCENE I. Padua. Before LUCENTIO'S house.

GREMIO discovered. Enter behind BIONDELLO, LUCENTIO, and BIANCA  
BIONDELLO  
Softly and swiftly, sir; for the priest is ready.

LUCENTIO  
I fly, Biondello: but they may chance to need thee  
at home; therefore leave us.

BIONDELLO  
Nay, faith, I'll see the church o' your back; and  
then come back to my master's as soon as I can.

Exeunt LUCENTIO, BIANCA, and BIONDELLO

GREMIO  
I marvel Cambio comes not all this while.

Enter PETRUCHIO, KATHARINA, VINCENTIO, GRUMIO, with Attendants

PETRUCHIO  
Sir, here's the door, this is Lucentio's house:  
My father's bears more toward the market-place;  
Thither must I, and here I leave you, sir.

VINCENTIO  
You shall not choose but drink before you go:  
I think I shall command your welcome here,  
And, by all likelihood, some cheer is toward.

Knocks

GREMIO   
They're busy within; you were best knock louder.

Pedant looks out of the window

Pedant  
What's he that knocks as he would beat down the gate?

VINCENTIO  
Is Signior Lucentio within, sir?

Pedant  
He's within, sir, but not to be spoken withal.

VINCENTIO  
What if a man bring him a hundred pound or two, to  
make merry withal?

Pedant  
Keep your hundred pounds to yourself: he shall  
need none, so long as I live.

PETRUCHIO  
Nay, I told you your son was well beloved in Padua.  
Do you hear, sir? To leave frivolous circumstances,  
I pray you, tell Signior Lucentio that his father is  
come from Pisa, and is here at the door to speak with him.

Pedant  
Thou liest: his father is come from Padua and here  
looking out at the window.

VINCENTIO  
Art thou his father?

Pedant  
Ay, sir; so his mother says, if I may believe her.

PETRUCHIO  
[To VINCENTIO Why, how now, gentleman! why, this  
is flat knavery, to take upon you another man's name.

Pedant  
Lay hands on the villain: I believe a' means to  
cozen somebody in this city under my countenance.

Re-enter BIONDELLO

BIONDELLO  
I have seen them in the church together: God send  
'em good shipping! But who is here? mine old  
master Vincentio! now we are undone and brought to nothing.

VINCENTIO  
[Seeing BIONDELLO  
Come hither, crack-hemp.

BIONDELLO  
Hope I may choose, sir.

VINCENTIO  
Come hither, you rogue. What, have you forgot me?

BIONDELLO  
Forgot you! no, sir: I could not forget you, for I  
never saw you before in all my life.

VINCENTIO   
What, you notorious villain, didst thou never see  
thy master's father, Vincentio?

BIONDELLO  
What, my old worshipful old master? yes, marry, sir:  
see where he looks out of the window.

VINCENTIO  
Is't so, indeed.

Beats BIONDELLO

BIONDELLO  
Help, help, help! here's a madman will murder me.

Exit

Pedant  
Help, son! help, Signior Baptista!

Exit from above

PETRUCHIO  
Prithee, Kate, let's stand aside and see the end of  
this controversy.

They retire

Re-enter Pedant below; TRANIO, BAPTISTA, and Servants

TRANIO  
Sir, what are you that offer to beat my servant?

VINCENTIO  
What am I, sir! nay, what are you, sir? O immortal  
gods! O fine villain! A silken doublet! a velvet  
hose! a scarlet cloak! and a copatain hat! O, I  
am undone! I am undone! while I play the good  
husband at home, my son and my servant spend all at  
the university.

TRANIO  
How now! what's the matter?

BAPTISTA  
What, is the man lunatic?

TRANIO   
Sir, you seem a sober ancient gentleman by your  
habit, but your words show you a madman. Why, sir,  
what 'cerns it you if I wear pearl and gold? I  
thank my good father, I am able to maintain it.

VINCENTIO  
Thy father! O villain! he is a sailmaker in Bergamo.

BAPTISTA  
You mistake, sir, you mistake, sir. Pray, what do  
you think is his name?

VINCENTIO  
His name! as if I knew not his name: I have brought  
him up ever since he was three years old, and his  
name is Tranio.

Pedant   
Away, away, mad ass! his name is Lucentio and he is  
mine only son, and heir to the lands of me, Signior Vincentio.

VINCENTIO   
Lucentio! O, he hath murdered his master! Lay hold  
on him, I charge you, in the duke's name. O, my  
son, my son! Tell me, thou villain, where is my son Lucentio?

TRANIO  
Call forth an officer.

Enter one with an Officer

Carry this mad knave to the gaol. Father Baptista,  
I charge you see that he be forthcoming.

VINCENTIO  
Carry me to the gaol!

GREMIO   
Stay, officer: he shall not go to prison.

BAPTISTA  
Talk not, Signior Gremio: I say he shall go to prison.

GREMIO  
Take heed, Signior Baptista, lest you be  
cony-catched in this business: I dare swear this  
is the right Vincentio.

Pedant  
Swear, if thou darest.

GREMIO  
Nay, I dare not swear it.

TRANIO   
Then thou wert best say that I am not Lucentio.

GREMIO   
Yes, I know thee to be Signior Lucentio.

BAPTISTA  
Away with the dotard! to the gaol with him!

VINCENTIO  
Thus strangers may be hailed and abused: O  
monstrous villain!

Re-enter BIONDELLO, with LUCENTIO and BIANCA

BIONDELLO  
O! we are spoiled and--yonder he is: deny him,  
forswear him, or else we are all undone.

LUCENTIO  
[Kneeling Pardon, sweet father.

VINCENTIO  
Lives my sweet son?

Exeunt BIONDELLO, TRANIO, and Pedant, as fast as may be

BIANCA   
Pardon, dear father.

BAPTISTA  
How hast thou offended?  
Where is Lucentio?

LUCENTIO  
Here's Lucentio,  
Right son to the right Vincentio;  
That have by marriage made thy daughter mine,  
While counterfeit supposes bleared thine eyne.

GREMIO  
Here's packing, with a witness to deceive us all!

VINCENTIO  
Where is that damned villain Tranio,  
That faced and braved me in this matter so?

BAPTISTA   
Why, tell me, is not this my Cambio?

BIANCA  
Cambio is changed into Lucentio.

LUCENTIO  
Love wrought these miracles. Bianca's love  
Made me exchange my state with Tranio,  
While he did bear my countenance in the town;  
And happily I have arrived at the last  
Unto the wished haven of my bliss.  
What Tranio did, myself enforced him to;  
Then pardon him, sweet father, for my sake.

VINCENTIO  
I'll slit the villain's nose, that would have sent  
me to the gaol.

BAPTISTA   
But do you hear, sir? have you married my daughter  
without asking my good will?

VINCENTIO  
Fear not, Baptista; we will content you, go to: but  
I will in, to be revenged for this villany.

Exit

BAPTISTA  
And I, to sound the depth of this knavery.

Exit

LUCENTIO  
Look not pale, Bianca; thy father will not frown.

Exeunt LUCENTIO and BIANCA

GREMIO   
My cake is dough; but I'll in among the rest,  
Out of hope of all, but my share of the feast.

Exit

KATHARINA   
Husband, let's follow, to see the end of this ado.

PETRUCHIO   
First kiss me, Kate, and we will.

KATHARINA  
What, in the midst of the street?

PETRUCHIO  
What, art thou ashamed of me?

KATHARINA  
No, sir, God forbid; but ashamed to kiss.

PETRUCHIO  
Why, then let's home again. Come, sirrah, let's away.

KATHARINA  
Nay, I will give thee a kiss: now pray thee, love, stay.

PETRUCHIO  
Is not this well? Come, my sweet Kate:  
Better once than never, for never too late.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SCENE II. Padua. LUCENTIO'S house.

Enter BAPTISTA, VINCENTIO, GREMIO, the Pedant, LUCENTIO, BIANCA, PETRUCHIO, KATHARINA, HORTENSIO, and Widow, TRANIO, BIONDELLO, and GRUMIO the Serving-men with Tranio bringing in a banquet  
LUCENTIO  
At last, though long, our jarring notes agree:  
And time it is, when raging war is done,  
To smile at scapes and perils overblown.  
My fair Bianca, bid my father welcome,  
While I with self-same kindness welcome thine.  
Brother Petruchio, sister Katharina,  
And thou, Hortensio, with thy loving widow,  
Feast with the best, and welcome to my house:  
My banquet is to close our stomachs up,  
After our great good cheer. Pray you, sit down;  
For now we sit to chat as well as eat.

PETRUCHIO  
Nothing but sit and sit, and eat and eat!

BAPTISTA  
Padua affords this kindness, son Petruchio.

PETRUCHIO  
Padua affords nothing but what is kind.

HORTENSIO  
For both our sakes, I would that word were true.

PETRUCHIO  
Now, for my life, Hortensio fears his widow.

Widow  
Then never trust me, if I be afeard.

PETRUCHIO  
You are very sensible, and yet you miss my sense:  
I mean, Hortensio is afeard of you.

Widow  
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.

PETRUCHIO  
Roundly replied.

KATHARINA  
Mistress, how mean you that?

Widow   
Thus I conceive by him.

PETRUCHIO  
Conceives by me! How likes Hortensio that?

HORTENSIO  
My widow says, thus she conceives her tale.

PETRUCHIO  
Very well mended. Kiss him for that, good widow.

KATHARINA  
'He that is giddy thinks the world turns round:'  
I pray you, tell me what you meant by that.

Widow  
Your husband, being troubled with a shrew,  
Measures my husband's sorrow by his woe:  
And now you know my meaning,

KATHARINA  
A very mean meaning.

Widow   
Right, I mean you.

KATHARINA  
And I am mean indeed, respecting you.

PETRUCHIO  
To her, Kate!

HORTENSIO   
To her, widow!

PETRUCHIO  
A hundred marks, my Kate does put her down.

HORTENSIO  
That's my office.

PETRUCHIO   
Spoke like an officer; ha' to thee, lad!

Drinks to HORTENSIO

BAPTISTA  
How likes Gremio these quick-witted folks?

GREMIO  
Believe me, sir, they butt together well.

BIANCA  
Head, and butt! an hasty-witted body  
Would say your head and butt were head and horn.

VINCENTIO  
Ay, mistress bride, hath that awaken'd you?

BIANCA  
Ay, but not frighted me; therefore I'll sleep again.

PETRUCHIO  
Nay, that you shall not: since you have begun,  
Have at you for a bitter jest or two!

BIANCA  
Am I your bird? I mean to shift my bush;  
And then pursue me as you draw your bow.  
You are welcome all.

Exeunt BIANCA, KATHARINA, and Widow

PETRUCHIO  
She hath prevented me. Here, Signior Tranio.  
This bird you aim'd at, though you hit her not;  
Therefore a health to all that shot and miss'd.

TRANIO  
O, sir, Lucentio slipp'd me like his greyhound,  
Which runs himself and catches for his master.

PETRUCHIO  
A good swift simile, but something currish.

TRANIO  
'Tis well, sir, that you hunted for yourself:  
'Tis thought your deer does hold you at a bay.

BAPTISTA   
O ho, Petruchio! Tranio hits you now.

LUCENTIO  
I thank thee for that gird, good Tranio.

HORTENSIO  
Confess, confess, hath he not hit you here?

PETRUCHIO  
A' has a little gall'd me, I confess;  
And, as the jest did glance away from me,  
'Tis ten to one it maim'd you two outright.

BAPTISTA   
Now, in good sadness, son Petruchio,  
I think thou hast the veriest shrew of all.

PETRUCHIO  
Well, I say no: and therefore for assurance  
Let's each one send unto his wife;  
And he whose wife is most obedient  
To come at first when he doth send for her,  
Shall win the wager which we will propose.

HORTENSIO   
Content. What is the wager?

LUCENTIO  
Twenty crowns.

PETRUCHIO  
Twenty crowns!  
I'll venture so much of my hawk or hound,  
But twenty times so much upon my wife.

LUCENTIO  
A hundred then.

HORTENSIO   
Content.

PETRUCHIO  
A match! 'tis done.

HORTENSIO   
Who shall begin?

LUCENTIO  
That will I.  
Go, Biondello, bid your mistress come to me.

BIONDELLO  
I go.

Exit

BAPTISTA  
Son, I'll be your half, Bianca comes.

LUCENTIO  
I'll have no halves; I'll bear it all myself.

Re-enter BIONDELLO

How now! what news?

BIONDELLO  
Sir, my mistress sends you word  
That she is busy and she cannot come.

PETRUCHIO  
How! she is busy and she cannot come!  
Is that an answer?

GREMIO  
Ay, and a kind one too:  
Pray God, sir, your wife send you not a worse.

PETRUCHIO  
I hope better.

HORTENSIO  
Sirrah Biondello, go and entreat my wife  
To come to me forthwith.

Exit BIONDELLO

PETRUCHIO  
O, ho! entreat her!  
Nay, then she must needs come.

HORTENSIO  
I am afraid, sir,  
Do what you can, yours will not be entreated.

Re-enter BIONDELLO

Now, where's my wife?

BIONDELLO  
She says you have some goodly jest in hand:  
She will not come: she bids you come to her.

PETRUCHIO  
Worse and worse; she will not come! O vile,  
Intolerable, not to be endured!  
Sirrah Grumio, go to your mistress;  
Say, I command her to come to me.

Exit GRUMIO

HORTENSIO  
I know her answer.

PETRUCHIO   
What?

HORTENSIO  
She will not.

PETRUCHIO  
The fouler fortune mine, and there an end.

BAPTISTA  
Now, by my holidame, here comes Katharina!

Re-enter KATARINA

KATHARINA   
What is your will, sir, that you send for me?

PETRUCHIO   
Where is your sister, and Hortensio's wife?

KATHARINA   
They sit conferring by the parlor fire.

PETRUCHIO  
Go fetch them hither: if they deny to come.  
Swinge me them soundly forth unto their husbands:  
Away, I say, and bring them hither straight.

Exit KATHARINA

LUCENTIO  
Here is a wonder, if you talk of a wonder.

HORTENSIO  
And so it is: I wonder what it bodes.

PETRUCHIO  
Marry, peace it bodes, and love and quiet life,  
And awful rule and right supremacy;  
And, to be short, what not, that's sweet and happy?

BAPTISTA  
Now, fair befal thee, good Petruchio!  
The wager thou hast won; and I will add  
Unto their losses twenty thousand crowns;  
Another dowry to another daughter,  
For she is changed, as she had never been.

PETRUCHIO  
Nay, I will win my wager better yet  
And show more sign of her obedience,  
Her new-built virtue and obedience.  
See where she comes and brings your froward wives  
As prisoners to her womanly persuasion.

Re-enter KATHARINA, with BIANCA and Widow

Katharina, that cap of yours becomes you not:  
Off with that bauble, throw it under-foot.

Widow   
Lord, let me never have a cause to sigh,  
Till I be brought to such a silly pass!

BIANCA  
Fie! what a foolish duty call you this?

LUCENTIO  
I would your duty were as foolish too:  
The wisdom of your duty, fair Bianca,  
Hath cost me an hundred crowns since supper-time.

BIANCA  
The more fool you, for laying on my duty.

PETRUCHIO  
Katharina, I charge thee, tell these headstrong women  
What duty they do owe their lords and husbands.

Widow  
Come, come, you're mocking: we will have no telling.

PETRUCHIO  
Come on, I say; and first begin with her.

Widow  
She shall not.

PETRUCHIO  
I say she shall: and first begin with her.

KATHARINA  
Fie, fie! unknit that threatening unkind brow,  
And dart not scornful glances from those eyes,  
To wound thy lord, thy king, thy governor:  
It blots thy beauty as frosts do bite the meads,  
Confounds thy fame as whirlwinds shake fair buds,  
And in no sense is meet or amiable.  
A woman moved is like a fountain troubled,  
Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty;  
And while it is so, none so dry or thirsty  
Will deign to sip or touch one drop of it.  
Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,  
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee,  
And for thy maintenance commits his body  
To painful labour both by sea and land,  
To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,  
Whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe;  
And craves no other tribute at thy hands  
But love, fair looks and true obedience;  
Too little payment for so great a debt.  
Such duty as the subject owes the prince  
Even such a woman oweth to her husband;  
And when she is froward, peevish, sullen, sour,  
And not obedient to his honest will,  
What is she but a foul contending rebel  
And graceless traitor to her loving lord?  
I am ashamed that women are so simple  
To offer war where they should kneel for peace;  
Or seek for rule, supremacy and sway,  
When they are bound to serve, love and obey.  
Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth,  
Unapt to toil and trouble in the world,  
But that our soft conditions and our hearts  
Should well agree with our external parts?  
Come, come, you froward and unable worms!  
My mind hath been as big as one of yours,  
My heart as great, my reason haply more,  
To bandy word for word and frown for frown;  
But now I see our lances are but straws,  
Our strength as weak, our weakness past compare,  
That seeming to be most which we indeed least are.  
Then vail your stomachs, for it is no boot,  
And place your hands below your husband's foot:  
In token of which duty, if he please,  
My hand is ready; may it do him ease.

PETRUCHIO  
Why, there's a wench! Come on, and kiss me, Kate.

LUCENTIO  
Well, go thy ways, old lad; for thou shalt ha't.

VINCENTIO  
'Tis a good hearing when children are toward.

LUCENTIO  
But a harsh hearing when women are froward.

PETRUCHIO  
Come, Kate, we'll to bed.  
We three are married, but you two are sped.

To LUCENTIO

'Twas I won the wager, though you hit the white;  
And, being a winner, God give you good night!

Exeunt PETRUCHIO and KATHARINA

HORTENSIO  
Now, go thy ways; thou hast tamed a curst shrew.

LUCENTIO  
'Tis a wonder, by your leave, she will be tamed so.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


	22. Final: Dark Tidings

**Ok, everybody, Official last chapter!**

**Now, for some diclaimering.**

**I don't own The Taming of the Shrew. I love the play, but own it, I do not. The play belongs to dear Shakespeare, who's who knows where right now.**

**As for the website I got it from, the script, I mean, it's I have nothing left to say, other than, I hope you enjoy this clincher chapter! Look for a new story from your's truly, within the next twenty four hours!**

**Now, adieu!**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Back at the mansion, everybody was stepping out of the portals, exhausted from the hours of acting they had done.

"Gosh, that was hard, but fun!" Luigi panted.

"I'm glad you're all…alright." Master Hand said. _I still can't believe Crazy didn't kill everybody._

"…YAWN…What'd I miss?" Crazy asked sleepily.

"The show's over." Master Hand said.

"…REALLY!?!?!" Crazy screamed. "DARN! I WISH I KILLED SOMEBODY NOW!"

Master Hand slapped himself in shame, then hovered from the room. Before leaving completely, Master Hand stopped and turned around.

"It's late, everybody. We should call it a night." Master Hand said, before finally leaving the room.

There was lots of moaning and shuffling about as people got up from their chairs, or else left the stage and the portals.

The new pals, Matt, Ness, Luigi, and Fox grouped up instantly the chance arose.

"Hey, guys, feel up to a match or two to sharpen our wits?" Matt asked.

"Yeah, I have all this nervous energy." Fox laughed weakly. "I guess it's just because of all the weird stuff."

"PICHU!" Pichu squealed nearby. She peeked over the top of one of the chairs playfully, twitching her ears.

"You wanna play too?" Ness asked.

"PI!"

"…He he…If you don't need me, I'll be-" Luigi started saying, but Fox seized his sleeve.

"No, just stay with us, Luigi." Fox insisted.

"…Ok." Luigi sighed.

"You guys wait here, while I go find Link." Matt said. "I haven't seen him all day."

"What, you mean he wasn't in here?" Ness asked.

"Have you no brains, lad?" Matt asked in a fake old English accent. "Gosh, I think this play stuff's getting to me."

"I'll help ya look." Ness said.

"Thanks, Ness." Matt said. "Anyways, see you all here in a bit. We'll be back."

Matt ran from the room, with the stubby Ness following after him.

"…Luigi?" Fox said. He looked about, and saw no Luigi. "Darn. How did he escape so quickly?"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Matt and Ness quickly got to Link's room. The door was closed.

"Hey…Link, ya in there?" Matt called out as he knocked on the door.

No answer.

"…Maybe he's asleep?" Ness suggested. "He sleeps a lot, ya know."

"Link!" Matt called out a second time. The room remained silent. Matt tried the doorknob, and found that it was unlocked, so he opened it. He silently motioned to ness to follow, and they both entered the room.

Inside, it was dark and quiet, and smelled slightly of forest, which was a fresh and pleasant smell. The carpet was dark green, with still darker green wooden walls. To the left, in front of the middle of the wall was Link's dark green King sized bed, made of dark wood. Next to it was a corner table with a bed lamp on it, and a few books on gardening, and a few adventure novels, all of which were worn. To the right was another doorway, leading to the bathroom, and next to the doorway was a dresser. The dresser was up against the wall, in the far corner of the room past the door. Behind the closed door was the sound of running water.

Matt frowned, then walked up close to the door to knock.

Splash.

He looked down, and the carpet was sopping wet.

"Uh oh."

He knocked on the door sharply, and called out, "Link!?! Link, you in there?"

No answer.

Matt stepped back and transformed his mecha arm into a big fist, Before Ness could protest, Matt punched the door to splinters. More water flowed out of the room, but the thing that got his attention the most was what was lying on the floor.

Link.

The bathtub was the source of all the water: it was overflowing. Obviously, whatever happened to Link, happened before he could get in the tub. He was still fully clothed in his comfort clothes. He looked as it he had just gotten out of bed.

Matt knelt down, and flopped Link over on his back. He was as cold as ice, but he was still breathing.

"He's alive." Ness stated obviously. Matt sighed, then transformed his arm into what looked like a giant spark plug.

"Get back." Matt said. The plug sparked, then he touched Link's chest with it. Link instantly yelled, and sprung up.

"What the FUDGE!?!?" Link shouted. "Why am I so wet, and why am I cold!?!?"

"You took a nap instead of a bath." Matt laughed, relieved.

"I…Fell asleep?" Link asked oddly.

"…Well, yeah, that's what it looks like…" Matt said uncertainly.

"…That was no beauty sleep I was doing." Link said in the same frightening tone.

The three smashers yelled in surprise, when there was a huge and sudden explosion that rocked the mansion wildly.

"Now what the FUDGE was that!?!?" Ness said.

Link stayed silent, looking at the ceiling, still with that odd expression on his face.

"Link, do you know something about this?" Matt asked. It was just a wild guess.

"We have to get out of here, now!" Link said. "We're under attack!"

"From whom?" Ness asked.

"Them!"

He was pointing into his room, and everybody's heart leapt into their throats when they saw three pairs of red eyes.

Matt destroyed them with a single, super powered wind blast from his cannon, but as he destroyed them, the mansion shook again.

"Let me get dressed." Link said urgently. "I'll be needing my things."

By now, the whole mansion was in an uproar as Smashers ran everywhere, brawling with the mysterious monsters that appeared.

There was some screaming in the hallways nearby, then a few explosions. Fox, Luigi, and Pichu appeared in the room.

"Where did all these things come from?" Fox yelled, while shooting any monsters stupid enough to get close to the doorway.

"PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!" Pichu squealed.

"M-m-m-mamma mia!" Luigi stuttered in fright.

"All set!" Link cried. He appeared in his usual green tunic, the clothing and appearance he had in Twilight Princess.

Link pulled out his bow, then shot an arrow right into the head of a Sharb that strayed out too far in front of the doorway.

"We should find Master Hand: He'll know what to do." Link said.

"Best plan I can think of." Matt said.

They ran from the room, blasting monsters aside, while Pichu sat on Link's shoulder. They fought up to the fifth floor, and after they cleared out the monsters in front of the big doors, they pushed them open.

"Master hand!" Link yelled. "…Master Hand?"

"Where'd he go?" Fox asked.

They walked about Master Hand's study, but there was no trace of his presence.

Without waiting for an ok, Ness ran over to the speaker system, and started it up.

"Red alert! Master Hand's missing! Go home, and save yourselves!" Ness screamed.

Below, the screaming intensified, and cries of, "MY COFFEE!!!" could be heard occasionally.

"We need to get people out of here!" Fox said. There was another loud boom, and everybody was thrown off their feet onto the floor.

"Dang!" Link said.

More black monsters flooded into the room, this time there was ten of them. There were six Sharbs, two shapeless blobs of black goo, a flying one that resembled a machine, and then a bear, in the back.

"Bugger." Matt moaned, before the monsters charged.

Three sharbs were instantly destroyed, one by Link's sword, one by PK Fire, and another by Fox's staff. The other two sharbs jumped over the frontliners, and attacked Pichu and Luigi.

Luigi screamed and ran away, and Pichu blasted the other to smithereens with Thunder. The remaining sharb cornered Luigi, who turned away and dropped to the floor. The sharb clumsily tripped over him, and was destroyed by a thunder shot from Matt's cannon.

"We have to escape, too!" Fox grunted as he fought off Master hand's desk, which was being controlled by one of the blobs. Link didn't say anything, because he was busy fighting off the big swivel chair. He dashed to the side as it charged at him, then he rolled behind it and jumped into the air to slash it. It spun around and blocked the slash with one of the chair's armrests, then knocked him down with the other. Ness set it on fire, then Pichu blasted it back with another Thunder attack.

Link got back up, then held out his shield to deflect a black laser from the floating machine, which resembled a floating laser turret. Hence the lasers. Link smashed it with a jump attack, then he ran away from the bear when it charged at him. He jumped on top of the desk, which stunned it long enough for Fox to blow it apart. The bear crashed through the remains, and continued to go after Link. Link sharply turned to the left, and let the bear smash the swivel chair into the wall. Pichu and Matt teamed up for a super lightning shot, which blew the two black into clouds of dust.

"Let's get out of here!" Luigi yelled.

"PICHU!"

They bolted from the room, smashing more of the monsters out of the way as they headed for the foyer. At the second floor, they found a pile of monsters that looked like they were attacking something…or somebody.

"HYYYY YAAAAAAAAAAA!!" Link yelled. He spun around super fast, and created a ring of magical fire that ripped through the monsters. They all vanished, leaving behind a round body stained black.

"Kirby!" Ness yelped in fear. He ran over to the poor beaten puff, and used one of his healing techniques, PSI Heal Gamma. Kirby's wounds cleared up quickly, but his body was quickly going freezing cold. Ness, with the help of Fox, wiped as much of the black ooze as they could, but most of it sank into Kirby's body before it could be wiped away.

Kirby started moaning, then he kicked about, his eyes closed. He yelled, and screamed, but wouldn't wake up even when Ness slapped him.

"What's happening!?!?" Ness whispered in fright, as Kirby sobbed and rolled about on the floor.

"We'll find that out later!" Link said. "Move!"

Behind them, were a bunch more of the monsters, only there was more of a variety.

Everybody ran down the hall but Link, who still had Pichu on his shoulder. He grabbed a bomb from his pocket, then threw it at the monsters. He grabbed Kirby, and Pichu shot a blast of electricity at the bomb.

The bomb exploded, which caused the hallway to collapse and bury the monsters, while blocking off the rest. Link ran while the hallway continued to collapse behind him. He eventually caught up to the rest of the party, who were busy smashing more monsters.

After finishing, they located the next staircase, which led directly into the foyer.

The next few moments were a nightmare.

They smashed their way out of the front door, and onto the front lawn, which was a mess.

There were monsters everywhere, and here and there were unclaimed warp stars: apparently, somebody got them out and scattered them everywhere before leaving.

Then, another sound rent the air, followed by a spotlight.

The smashers looked up into the sky, only to see a huge squadron of helicopters.

"We're saved!" Ness cried.

"No!" Matt said.

"This is the government speaking." A voice called out over a speakerphone. "The Super Smashers are charged for conspiring against the New World Government, and are asked to cooperate under threat of fire."

"What did we do!?!?" Link yelled while the speaker repeated himself.

"Better find out later, while we're alive!" Matt said.

There were a few huge explosions nearby, and the light revealed Zelda busting loose her best magic, and Samus fired a huge range of beams about, destroying the monsters.

"You were warned." The voice called out imperiously. "For opening fire against the government, you are all branded traitors."

"WHAAAAAAAT!?!?" Everybody screamed at the injustice. They didn't have time to protest any more, because the Helicopters started firing machine guns across the whole lawn, destroying tons of monsters, but also hitting a few people.

"RUN!!!!" Link screamed.

They bolted across the lawn at inhuman speeds, and they all reached a warpstar at the same time, just as one more hand grabbed the star.

The star shot off at super sonic speed, while everybody that touched it was magically magnetized to it.

The landscape below was horrible looking. Even as they watched, other smashers that had yet to flee rescued the wounded. The sky was full of warpstars. Just how many smashers managed to escape the mess below…

Nobody knew.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

…**That's it, everyone.**

**Another story down in place.**

**What became of everyone?**

**What are these monsters that plague the world?**

**What does the Government mean by all of this?**

**WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FIND OUT!?!?!?!?**

**Next time, next story.**

**Keep your peepers open, people!**

**The story is over, but the saga has yet to end!**

**Next time, everybody! **

**I thank you all for reading, and I wish you all the best of luck.**

**Until next time, my friends.**

**-Shining Riku-**


End file.
